2008 = Crazy Year (3)

[lost_in_space]

I told my WW that I gave up my right to just walk away from the M without trying absolutely EVERYTHING the minute D16 was born. The W of the family friends I referred to in my post you quoted actually warned WW that if she pushes D, she could easily lose D16 and S13 WHEN they find out about the A because they can choose where they want to live. Still not sure if that has sunk in.

Sorry Lost I would have EXPOSED it already to the kids. Kids KNOW even if you think they don't. They live with you and know you better than anyone else. Let her see the choices she has made and how it effects all her family. It will sink right in. Is there a specific reason you haven't?

Peaches,
I have struggled with that - in fact, I would say that has been the one thing that has kept me up at night. Part of me thinks that they don't need to deal with his cr@p. BUT I know they are dealing with it anyway. If / when the kids do find out, I need to be able to assure them that I am not trying to be vindictive or doing so out of revenge. I want to show how I am trying to live up to my commitment to our family.

Their mom is their mom and deep down is a wonderful person. But the actions she is doing now are soooo wrong. There is a life lesson that is critical to know. I know if the A was not there that would be one thing, but with the A, the whole thing is not about "goring apart", it is about bad choices / decisions.

Funny thing is, three nights before PA meeting #1, WW sat the entire family down and said "LYING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN THIS FAMILY". How hypocritical. WW is also famous here for saying to the kids that there are good and bad decisions and the consequences will follow. How they do not practice what they preach.

You are so right about dealing with this and work and kids. Work has been hard but is getting easier as I am trying more and more to detach. My K's provide the incentive and motivation I need to keep persevering and remaining PATIENT.

[Peaches40]

Lost I know how difficult it is and doing the right thing. So funny in a way you are doing the 'right thing' and it feels as if your being punished for that. Like a catch 22 scene.

Well the kids are your decision. I told mine before they figured it out for themselves which they were. My boys would be more resentful to me if hadn't sat them down and warned them in a loving way what was going down in the house.

Now my H left and made a big big scene so that is good. Tonight he keeps calling now he spent the weekend with his GF. Now how do you think his boys feel about him?

Our whole life is nothing but, decisions. Why things happen the way they do. I accept 100% and he should accept his 100% demise of our marriage. Will it happen probably not. You know its funny they are so in denial that really at some points is hilarious. Yet, its your family and the warmth and love in a home that they are mocking.

Well you and i have really same kind of morals. When my boys were born there was NOT going to be a divorce. Hated it in my parents and really messed me up as a teenager. So that fear and abandonment really hurts worse now because its an old issue with me. With no kids I would have left. Guess its called responsibility huh.

Glad to see your doing better it certainly is a ride with lots of twists and turns. So what are your goals in a month or even two?
Do you see yourself readily able to forgive and move on to the tougher work of reconciliation? That seems to me even harder than the games they play being a WW.
Take care lost

[lost_in_space]

Quite the eve. Good friend was over and we were chatting. WW eavesdropped (she was not originally home). Heard a lot of stuff we were discussing about my sitch. Everything hit the fan.

WW says she is done. Doesn't want to try. Mad as hell. wants D. All the time my friend is trying to act like mediator.

Will fill in blanks later. But one thing odd. WW says she needs me to communicate but she is done. Up to me. Don't get why that is important if she is done.

WW then comes in and proceeds to tell S13 and D10 about where things are at and possible S. D10 in absolute tears. Maybe as good of a truth dart as could have been thrown.

Anyway - late and I am emotionally spent tonight. Hearing the two K's in tears brought me to tears. Must go.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

There is no way in hell something as important as telling your children that their parents may DIVORCE should have been done by your wife, unilaterally, in a fit of anger. That is unconscionable.

My own personal opinion is that you should sit your kids down separately and tell them in an age-appropriate way that their mother has a boyfriend, and that married people shouldn't have boyfriends and that you are not okay with that, you've insisted that she stop, and that she refuses, and THAT is why the marriage is in crisis. That this is NOT their fault, that you do NOT want to divorce their mother, that despite her bad choice you still love her very much, and that they should to, but that their mom is just very confused right now. You should also tell them that she is angry with you because you told the truth, and that she'll probably even be angrier when she finds out that you told the truth to THEM, but that you will ALWAYS tell them the truth. ALWAYS.

And for god's sakes, tell them it's NOT their fault.

It's time to rein-in the Entitlement Princess, for you to take control of the agenda, the timeline, and the consequences. Your kids need a hero right now, and it AIN'T gonna be their mother.

Time to step up.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

What Puppy said. DO NOT LET YOUR WW SPIN THIS TO THE KIDS BEFORE YOU TELL THEM THE TRUTH. THEY NEED TO HEAR THE TRUTH FROM YOU FIRST!

Let me repeat. DO NOT LET YOUR WW SPIN THIS TO THE KIDS BEFORE YOU TELL THEM THE TRUTH. THEY NEED TO HEAR THE TRUTH FROM YOU FIRST!

If she's so intent on destroying the marriage/family, the truth NEEDS to be out there.

That's just my opinion and I know there are people who disagree, but like Pup said, in an age appropriate manner, they need to be told. I would never let my kids think that I was giving up on them. If they don't know the truth they will think that they've been abandoned by BOTH their parents.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen.

[lost_in_space]

Pup and H4U

First, thanks for the replies. I am exhausted this morning, so not sure I can fill in all details at once.

After I wrote the post above (last night even though it didn't make it on until this morning), WW and I had a 3 hour conv. (Yes Puppy, I know you warned me about more 3 hour talks, but I was caught). I wasn't needy, clingy or any of that. But we did talk, sometimes about R and sometimes about the possibility of D.

I still have not, nor do I have any intention of agreeing to D. It became clear that WW thinks that things will stay the same for her, at least til D10 is done elementary school. AND that we can keep our vacation property and split use of it. The financial aspect of where we are has not yet been discussed and she doesn't get it. Then she shuts down if she is challenged or if I say I cannot see how either of us can stay in this house. She clearly doesn't get that part. She then tries to blame me saying that I will disrupt the kids lives so much... whatever.

WW pretty adamant that we are headed for D. Yet she still gets mad at stuff, argues, wants communication from me ("but don't think that will necessarily fix our marriage"). If the opposite of love is indifference, what do her reactions tell me?

Her telling the kids is upsetting, but at least I walked in at the start of the conv and was there for it. I had to leave and go get D16, so not sure what kind of spin was put on the rest of the conv. I will find out. WW says the K's will be fine - I ask if she is willing to gamble 3 lives on that possibility and she responds by saying she knows in her heart that things will be fine. Sorry, with all that is out there, I am not willing to agree to that gamble.

In direct answer to your questions, the K's do not know of the A. I hear you both and agree they (perhapes other than D10) should know. That is by far harder to get to than anything so far. The tears that S13 had last night make it that much harder. We (me and S13) are golfing again tonight - we will have a disc about things (likely not the A yet).

Anyway, I need to get to work. This will be a tough day to stay on task...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

I'm on the fly now myself, but I will say this: the problem with relationship talks is that people in active affairs are full of lies and deceit, and they are fogged out, and do NOT have the best interests of their marriage or their families at heart at the moment (or anytime soon).

It's like negotiating with terrorists -- they don't play by the rules.

I suggest you lay out to her a small spreadsheet and cover e-mail detailing the financial reality of your situation, and let her chew on it for the next couple of weeks. As for "communication," be polite and civil, and anything do with the kids or the household logistics, but no more. You should NOT be her best friend right now, nor if she ends the marriage this way.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Puppy,

The financial is ready to go. Two spreadsheets - one an asset / liability statement (sucks to be an accountant and know about these things some times) and a monthly cash flow which is the surprising one.

Reality sucks some times.

Talked to a good F friend here. She knows WW a bit and I have been talking to her all along. Her take is that WW would have been out the door if she really wanted to be. More games. This is HARD!!!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know. I went thru it last summer.