Right after I spoke with H I've called a Friend of mine, needed to talk to someone. I asked her if I should stay where I am, where I have a job (a good one!) and a roof over my head. She told me that I'm doing a favor to that b!tch by pushing H away and I need to come back home and fight for my family. I'm so sick of these words... I've been fighting for my family alone, for two years. But a thought of playing into Spider's hands was sickening.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
OH (((((((Stella))))))) How I can empathise with what you are going through. I am also going through very similar things right now. Friday night I had a convo with H and asked him point blank if he had contacted OW since I left and he flat out lied to me. I then accused him of lies and that I won't accept this behaviour. I told him if our M is going to work ALL contact with her must stop and I want complete honesty. He said nothing. I also told him that I find his behaviour disgusting. Well I didn't stop there. The following day I sent him an email reinforcing all of what I had said to him. Stella, I so understand how you want the pain to end and how you want out. I've been feeling that as well. Give it a couple of days and see how you feel. I usually end up realizing I want to give my M another chance.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
once again (sadly) our situations mirror one another. I was never disgusted with my H really, I used to respect him very much, think of him as uniquely decent, honest and kind man. Today I felt that I despise him, I'm as close to not loving him anymore, as I could never imagine I'd be.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Oh, sweetie! I am so sorry! But, I have to agree with your friends. Remember this--you are trying to restore your marriage from a continent away! That in and of itself offers so many challenges that a lot of us do not face.
You already KNEW the spiderwoman was going to do ANYTHING to hang onto your husband for herself. This is not a surprise. I know it should not be unrealistic to expect him to do the right thing, but he does not have the strength to do it on his own right now. I know you feel like you are doing all the work--because you ARE! This is something Michelle warns us about when we decide to fight for our marriages. Until you are right there with him, I do not feel this is going to get any easier. However, I do believe it is VERY probable that you will succeed when you get home.
The ball is in your court, either way. 48 hour rule goes into effect NOW! Tell H that when he calls that you need time to think about what you want t odo going forward from here.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Hang in there and I want you to do something for you today--hot bath, manicure, something to restore your faith and love in YOU!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
where I have a job (a good one!) and a roof over my head. She told me that I'm doing a favor to that b!tch by pushing H away and I need to come back home and fight for my family."
OMG Stella, I hear myself in you. I too took a job away from home and that was my downfall, I'm sure my H has an OW but won't admit to it. He didn't want me to leave in the first place. My fault. Now I'm fighting for my marraige and applied for a job closer to home where he says, "you won't have a home here in another month, because he's filing for D.
So, GO HOME WHILE YOU STILL CAN! S my thread: Advice from my DB coach
Take a deep breath and have a nice cup of tea. It's ok that you freaked out at H and I think most of us would have too. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I think that the 48 hour rule would be a good one to follow now.
The OW is a Black Widow and please don't forget it. I've enclosed a picture of one so you can use it for imagery purposes wink, wink
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
for your great support and wise words! You are my lifeline.
My heart must be HUGE, like an ox heart: it's breaking and breaking and breaking, and there is still some left!
Quote:
So, GO HOME WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
I want to hope I still can... However I have a bad feeling about what happened today. I guess I've done all I could to push H away for good (looky, I wrote a poem!) . He didn't call me, of course, so I decided to try and call him. He wasn't at home (or didn't want to pick up) and didn't answer his cell.
D17 heard me on the phone with H and asked what did I mean when I've told H I want out. I didn't realize - or didn't care, so enraged I was - that she must have heard at least a part of the convo. I've told her it was related to the project I was working on. Later on I was crying and she asked me what happened. I've told her I was upset because of our financial situation (I was too). I have no idea whether she finally figured what's going on, she can be very secretive sometimes (look who's talking). And I spent all these months acting 'as if" in order to keep it from her! It looks like I've ruined everything in one go...
Anyway, I'm going to sleep now, tomorrow is another day
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I have called H, he answered his mobile. I asked him when he's going to call me. He said, he's going to be back home in 1 hour (it's 10 am here, did he spent the night in her apt?). He didn't sound too bad, called me my pet name, I take it as a good sign. I've been crying all morning long and I'm afraid I'm going to sound teary again, too bad. I cannot undo the damage I've done yesterday, but I'm going to try and put it back on hold. I'm going to ask him to consentrate on D17 and her problems and once she's gone to College, we can sort things out and if he wants a D (he never said he wanted one, just like Kalni's H, same behaviour, neither here, nor there,) well, he can have it.
Last edited by stella_k; 07/15/0808:22 AM.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I would drop the D conversation UNLESS H brings it up first. IF he does, I would tell him that right now your focus needs to be on D17 and her issues with school. Other than that, you were upset and angry and trying to resolve anything while living apart like this is like trying to catch a greased pig--pretty unproductive.
Strength and unconditional love are needed and I know you have a wealth of both, even if it means pulling out a reserve tank.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
((((Stellitsa-mou))))) I agree with SMW- don't bring up D unless that's what you really want. I think you'd have had a heart of stone if you hadn't had any response to finding OW still in the picture (did H confirm?), so your reaction was totally understandable. My H is also like K's- no mention of D. Just......nothing!
Take a deep breath and focus on moving forward. DB, DB, DB. You're going to do this and win!!
