Thanks for remembering me. Not sure where everyone is these days so I am trying to read and catch up.
As far as insight..well guess I haven't done such a great job marriage wise so not so sure what to say about that. I am making great progress on being stronger and more in touch with myself. That seems to be the best thing I have gotten out of all of this. To be honest there are still days I fall back, but even then I am getting better at giving myself a break. I have come to understand that self blame is a big part of where I go wrong in life. I also see that blaming myself is not the same as being responsible for myself.
I have also learned through this site and therapy that others really need to be responsible for themselves and I can not help them get there or do it for them. I can support them any time I see them doing it, but again very different then doing it for them.
I have come to accept that my H has problems that are not my fault and my problems are not his fault. Unfortunately, he is not in that place. He still, based on our last conversation, blames me for his feelings and thereby justifies his actions as some defense on his part. He clearly sees himself as a victim. I no longer do. I accept that his behavior has been abusive, but that it is still up to me to take care of me rather then spend time trying to get him to stop hurting me, or blaming me, or stop doing anything for that matter. Perhaps this is the true letting go. To acknowledge his behavior as his, know I can't change it, and do all I can to take care of me as I address only my behavior and feelings.
Well, this is where I am now. A far cry from a year ago on the floor in pain. Though I miss my H, I fully understand that it is my choice to not have a person in my life that can not be honest or an adult at this time. It is in fact up to me to and only me to take care of my feelings and my life and no one else, no matter how much I love them or miss them can do it for me.
Now if I could just feel that every minute of everyday......
Not sure where everyone is these days so I am trying to read and catch up. 