Right now I am focusing on the kids, doing changes and things that I have control over, detaching and being dark.
I do believe the w is in a fog and fueled by emotion, with the added feature of some type of EA (maybe PA) with OW or at least facination/curiousity about the lifestyle. And now, she has no desire to act like a family. She wants to do things with the kids without me around which is fine. I won't necessarily leave the house all of the time if I don't want to, but will give her the space she needs, as I have been.
Actually, just ran into OW/dear friend while walking into my office after C session and she wasn't her usual outgoing self towards me (guilt or p/o - I set a boundary, no friends in the house, not mine or hers and w was not happy). Too funny. With regards to how to outshine OW, my counselor said best to remain as is, that is being a stable foundation that is non-confrontational and willing to listen when she needs me to and to be there when needed. This is what first attracted her to me as it was so different from what w had prior to meeting me and was what she wanted. It's just that we allowed for co-dependence to grow into dependence and allowed for the passion and communicaton to fizzle. So now, whether romantically or not, several voids are being filled by this OW and only time, pressure of D weighing on her thoughts, or her coming out of the fog will change things. I am okay with that. I am becoming more patient with each passing day and am becoming more comfortable with what might be the eventualality. As either Sandi or SC pointed out, the issues right now are her issues. I have not control over them, only she does.
Last night was good as we didn't talk and I allowed her to have her space after I got home. This morning was pleasant with me asking her how the kids were yesterday. Some small chat around that and then she wanted to discuss which days who would have the kids. Kind of silly that she doesn't want to allow for some semblance of a family for the kids but maybe better to prep them for what most likely lies ahead in a few months.
On the way to daycare, 4D told me how w's friend/OW met them at the park in the afternoon, which I am okay with. 4D wasn't clear but W may have violated boundary/rule by having friend to house after the park. I don't want to be a doormat with this but I have no clear evidence and I don't want a confrontation. Just something for me to note and be aware of in the future.
She is meeting with her L to inform her that we will be going through mediation. I think the financial reality of the D will be setting in hard pretty soon. Not that I want her to decide to work on M because of that but it's just another thing that is out there.
The going dark thing is still something I want to do, for myself. Everytime we talk, it ends up in R talk (except for 2 Saturdays ago) and it's the same talk. W wants D, independence, separateness etc. I am going to deliver on the "here's your life without me as your husband". I said during the talk last Tuesday that I want her to be happy and what is best for the kids, even if she feels that means divorce. I don't accept D as the answer but will support it if that's what will make her happy. I then said that given where we are, I will have to stop caring for you as a W, which she teared up on. Now, I am acting on what I said.
C says the underlying issue with W continuously bringing up the independence/separateness is that it is something that she is still confused about/dealing with and feels quilty about. Didn't really think about that and don't know how to respond the next time she brings it up outside of the listening and validation. It is her issue to deal with, not mine. Is that the correct attitude to take? I don't really now how to respond the next time she brings it up other than "I understand yadda yadda yadda"
I am really acting as if I am moving ahead, with or without her and feel no guilt about my decision. Yes, I would love it if my W changed her mind today, tomorrow, next week...month...year and will deal with that if it ever happens. For now, it's about making me a better person and a better daddy.
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
