Smartcookie, I saw your last thread locked and i panicked! really. The board monitors need to find a way to put a forward link to your new threads. So many of us look forward to your posts. amazing how much we get from you and want to be your husband (in your husbands position, i mean, hehe)
and now its page 3 and thats just people catching up with you and this new thread.
13 months of hard work? I'm heading into month 3 and feel so far from where i want to be. mentioned on Somberbrows thread i got the "I need to move out" talk. I just dread those talks but knew she needed to say it. I'm hoping and praying she just needed to say it, but wont act on it.
thanks again for being you. And please tell your husband how jealous we all are of him.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I'm in month 2 of my WAS. My W found a OOG in the UK (we live in MI) so there was no PA...just an EA. I pray my W has the personal insight that you have shown through your postings.
Your earlier posts about the OM being an 'addiction' echo so strongly in my head. My W has said the same thing...and she still hasn't discontinued it with him. I think she may be getting the same 'counseling' from the OOG that you got from yours. And for the record, when she does end it and begins to grieve...I will be there for her. Regardless of the situation, I love her and it will hurt me to see her in such pain.
For now, I'm already a changed person. I didn't need a 2x4 upside the head, but maybe a 1x2 ;). I have begun to really listen to her and try to understand how she feels. I've come to appreciate even more the sacrifices she's made to stay home with the kids. I was always pretty involved in the kids lives, but now am more so. I routinely take the kids to my parents so they can get to know them better. As sad as I am and as much as I miss my wife, I'm going to be a better and happier person.
It is too early for her to feel any romantic love for me. She still loves me greatly, but not in "that" way. For now, that's okay. I will continue to work on me and provide her as much support as I can. She doesn't know where she's going to end up, but I love her enough that if she chooses to leave, I can accept it.
Throughout all of this, I remind myself that "Love is patient". I also remind myself that if I love something, I must be prepared to let it go.
M 37 W 35 S 5, D 3 M 15 yrs Bomb dropped 6/1/2008 My Sitch
We are getting pounded by a storm. I enjoy the rain, just wish the thunder would calm down. :0)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC, I think pinning down what happened would help you not lose sight of what worked the magic besides helping others. And don't tell me it was FG's 2x4's. Yes I'd buy your book or watch the next Oprah. I think the real WAW has permanent brain damage (would need a lobotomy to fix) which makes healing them impossible . Instead you seem like a committed W so tell us how you got here. I suggest staying here for now but occasionally posting to piecing so you can make some connections there for later.
fb2, you might need to remind me of some of these requests. I'm kind of scattered right now. & keep asking questions, that helps me to know what to share about, & stay focused.
so the question is....how did I get back to committed....? (still thinking)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
...I don't know about your bath night, but mine definitely includes intercourse....
YA YA YA, Don't rub it in! Some of us are in a very dry spell right now.....LOL
So now you want me to edit out sex talk ? Sheesh, make up your mind. Maybe I should just stick to plumbing stories. LOL
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
LOL, ok, now we are all going to call you "Yoda". Oh wise one, please when you get a chance, check out my sitch too!! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...&gonew=1#UNREAD (my prior thread is linked in the first post for background).
I'm so glad to hear everything is going so well. You give a lot of people on here a lot of hope!
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
So I'm trying to pin down the "formula" that I used to make this M satisfying for me, & ultimately for him too. I'm not claiming it will work for anyone else. It just worked for us.
1. first 17 years, not good. Me dissatisfied in every way. I read every relationship book there was. It helped for a short while, (or gave me something concrete to focus on) but didn't address the core issues. I needed to stop feeling like a victim & learn to be assertive, H needed to stop being abusive, (emotionally & verbally only, he's never laid a finger on me in anger) & learn compassion, empathy, & kindness.
H thought things were fine.
2. I was going to counseling alone, trying to figure out if it was me or H that was messed up.
3. I found on line OM. With OM as a "lifeboat" I had enough courage to face H.
4. H thought I was gone
5. H started going to counseling alone (we tried going together, & I was too angry to be in the same room, listening to his voice, while he pretended to be wonderful for our counselor).
6. H started reading books that I requested; a. healing from childhood abuse b. controlling people c. verbally abusive relationship d. verbally abusive man e. Why does he do that, inside the mind of angry men f. You don't have to take it anymmore g. Good marriage, great husband (previously titled, "it's mostly his fault".
7. H started being the husband & father that I had always asked him to be. a. playing with the kids b. helping around the house c. offering to help with dinner, dishes, laundry, etc d. offering me anything he could think of e. helping drive kids around f. helping kids with homework g. helping back me up discipline wise h. basically kissing my *ss every way he could i. sending me romantic e-cards, & e-mails j. asking me out on dates k. asking me to go on trips
For the first few months, I refused every offer of his. He kept offering.
8. He built me a pool. (we had the money, he just hadn't wanted to do it before, now all the sudden he wanted to put in a pool)
9. He quit talking about OM.
10. He stopped spying on me, checking on me, following me, "bugging" our house, car, etc.
to be continued
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
MOrning Cookie Monster Lady!! Love your work. U is soooo popular girl!
I had a dog that went to doggie heaven in 2005. His name was Coffee. I used to call him Coffee Monster (he was huge). Calling you Cookie Monster engenders the same feelings of affection/love in me towards you. Hmm...not saying I love you like a dog, but...ohhh....man...look - it's a compliment okay?!
PUrple is trying to wake up properly and get her ar5e moving for the day.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
