Definitely about the no fear! I quit fearing it long ago and accepted life has changed for me, for us and I have to do the best I can going forward. No I don't want to be divorced, I really don't want that moniker and am somewhat old fashioned in my beliefs about it. But I can't control it so I have to accept it.
Sure I'd like for us to resolve the differences and build something new together. But if that's not possible I know in due time there will be someone enjoying the benefits of the renewed Catfan.
Now about last night, wow what a great time! Not only the movie and the audience but they had a group acting it out in the aisles and such complete with extra lines. It was hilarious it all it's wackiness and nuttiness! That was definitely the way to end a stress filled week! And yes I will return.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Ok an update, my wife dropped the girls off at my apartment this evening. She came in for a few minutes, we had some idle chit chat and then she told the girls she was heading home. I walked her over to the door and said "before you go I just want to say your best friend has always been here, maybe lost a little while but he's always been here. Your best friend, confidant, companion, lover and husband has always been here for you." She smiled and said thanks that's good to know. I hugged her but didn't get much of one back. I then asked her if there was something she wanted to say because it looked like she was holding something back. She said she'd thought about last Sunday and that we need to talk. I asked when and she said, lets talk this week.
So I think I know the answer to the question. I don't particularly like this thought but I will accept what ever comes my way. If it's bad news, it'll hurt but I'll be prepared for it. If it's good news I will be cautiously excited. But I'm not expecting to be cautiously excited. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst is all I can think of right now.
Its going to be a rough few days because of the anticipation.
Now a different feeling to mention, I know I'll be OK if its bad news. One reason is because I've consistently been getting interest by women over the last 6-9 months. I've stayed away but it has been tempting. Knowing that someone or several someones are interested is very powerful stuff. But the biggest reason is I'm finally good with being by myself, with being "single". I don't need anyone in my life right now, I'd like someone but don't need anyone. I've got some great friends and I get a lot of companionship from them.
I think now I need to sit back down with God and talk with him for a while.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Journaling here, the anticipation or maybe better stated apprehension is definitely starting. At times its definitely apprehension and others anticipation, talk about mixed up feelings!
I'm trying to keep my mind occupied but am having trouble because I got a bunch of legal documents from her company's lawyer this morning that I need to look over. Since we are both preferred stockholders we sometimes have to sign documents in regards to things the company is doing or has done. Getting this stuff just seemed to bring these feelings welling up. I then start to replay those last 2 minutes from last night and am trying very, very, very hard not to analyze any of it. Things like why did she hug me with just one arm and at that not put it all the way around me? What did she really mean when she said thanks thats good to know.
Argh!!! I just have to get this all out of my head! I know better!! Hopefully just posting it will help but I'm not feeling it yet. At least my mind isn't on full tilt with analysis, so that's a little positive.
Now if one of my friends or coworkers would call or swing by and ask me about my weekend so I can go on and on about the great time at Rocky Horror. Man oh man was that a great time!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I'm just chipping in here because I have a sense of similarites here, I maybe way off mark so no offense if you kick me into touch.
I took a major step back from W in the last few weeks, truely let go, didn't shut the door but really dropped the leash and walked away. That combined with moving into my own flat some very good days out doing stuff I loved has given me a new perspective on my situation. It's all about STRENGTH.
I realise now, I forgot about looking after me during our M, I put a great deal of stress on myself working hard to buy us a home, moving to a new country, learning a new language, trying to make new friends and supporting my W who can get a little down about herself and needs a boost, I maybe supported her a little to much, I've learnt now that support can sometimes cross a line I didn't know was there into enabling, which looks like help but isn't. While all of this was going on I did none of the things that top up my strength like time with good friends, sports, travel, adventure. Gradually my strength drained away. I became weak, not many women like a weak man. Add to this my W had a new super job filling her with confidence, plus lack of communication due to long hours of said job, W just saw a weak man, she probably didn't understand why. Writing was on the wall and she turned into a a walkaway. It's not pretty, but that's the way of things. When your W goes when you are already weak, it's a hammer blow that makes you weaker, put me on my knees, took me very close to doing something stupid. The salt to the wound I think is W is angry at me for becoming weak. This may sound a little mad but I think a lot of the disrespect my W showed was a call to action, she wanted me to react to her disrespect with strength to show her the man she knew, the man she trusted and relied on, was still there, instead most of the time I reacted weakly - either anger or just folding. This sounds unfair and harsh but I think it's whats happening. The final slap in the face is the OM, finally I've recovered enough strength to react in a stronger way. But I think mostly likely too late now for me. I don't blame myself, but I have learnt a big lesson, big life lessons usually hurt a lot.
Here's my new rule, I made list of things, actions & people that make me stronger and a list of things, actions & people that sap my strength. The stuff in the weaker column is mainly stuff I have to do work, people you can't avoid maybe. I've been realistic W, given the current situation, is on the sap list.
I try and make sure each day I keep the balance well in favour of the things that give me strength.
I'm just wondering Catfan, if she's been disrespectful to you, has a a new male friend, and you react to that by telling her you are always there for her, you'll be her best friend etc.. Is that the reaction of the strong man she is maybe looking for in you, is that the reaction of someone with self-respect?
I'm wondering if you constantly playing back those last 2 minutes is because your self-respect is annoyed that expressing your love wasn't a show of strength (even if was true), given her actions over the past few months?
Thanks, you checking on me means a lot to me. To be honest I don't know, I really don't know, I'll post later 'today' since it's nearly 2:00 AM EDT.
(OK I'll post now.)I've definitely hit those moments where I don't know where I am at.(why is it that every time I turn on the radio James Blunt is on?) I definitely gyrate between strength and need.(for the most part its strength but I have moments of weakness) It's been a tough few days and to make it worse I've needed to keep tabs on the mobile phone usage meaning checking my usage online.(Yes we have a family plan on the phone, oh look, she hasn't paid the bill, add that to the list of unpaid bills. Yes I have my own phone too.) Since she is primary on the account as soon as I log in I see her calls. Several 1 minute and voicemail calls the last few days. Funny, the OM seems to have 3 different phone numbers, makes me wonder who/what he's hiding from.
OK that all said, it's actually been an OK few days. The girls and I are trying to figure out several activities for us to do. Yesterday D11 (almost D12) called my wife and asked her if she'd like to go see an off broadway show on Sunday with me, D11 and D10, my wife accepted instantly. The show is after our usual dropoff time. So folks I haven't a clue where she's at, what she's thinking or where this is heading. A few days ago I thought I had an idea, now I haven't a clue. So here I am, once again scratching my head.
Tonight a dear, dear friend of mine told me something that really meant something to me. She told me that I should be someone everyone admires, holds in high regard, looks up to because of my dedication to our vows. She said that society needs more people like me, more people dedicated to their word, to their commitment and that she hopes that she and her BF can hold to at least part of what I have done.
Folks, if nothing else, if this ends in divorce I know I have stood and I stood for my word, a word that originates from the heart. If nothing else matters, I am good to that, my word.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well it's been a hell of a week that's for sure. Ups and downs hurts and cheers. I hit the wall, yes that wall. I'm pretty much done and the ups and downs this week have been of my own making as I've struggled with this idea and decision. Barring anything major happening on Sunday I will be walking over to the courthouse on Monday.
I've given and given until there is nothing left to give. I really thought I had a lot more in the tank just two weeks ago but she's broken me with her actions. The will to continue just isn't there. Here's the final straw...
D11 had a pool and sleepover party to attend on Wednesday night. I was to pick her up at 8 yesterday morning. I got there to find her in the backyard with a friend, tears streaming down her face. As she gathered her things all the girls came over to give her a hug and tell her it would be ok. I figured the home situation was the subject at hand. We got in the car and she asked to stay home from camp, she didn't feel well. So we drove her sister to camp and went back to my apartment. Then she told me what was up. She had her first period that morning. She tried to call my wife at home, on both mobile phones and at the office. No answer on any line, she was devastated but Daddy was here for her now. We spent the day together and for her it meant a lot that I was there being supportive. Finally at 8 that night my wife called, she hadn't ever connected the fact that 4 phone calls were important. (Caller ID on every phone and the girls rarely call her.) My wife came over after stopping at the store for D11 but I couldn't bring myself to really speak to her or even look at her, I was disgusted with her.
Folks my disgust goes further, my wife accepted the girls invitation to see the play on Sunday with us, she accepted instantly. But what is she doing this weekend, it appears she's going off for the weekend with the new bf. How insulting is that to the girls and to me?
I really am sorry, it hurts down to my DNA but I can't stand any more, I can't sit back and watch our children being disappointed any further. They have hoped, prayed and wished for it all to be better as have I. I've worked hard on myself and my opportunities, I've tried to be a good best friend, a good father and a good and supportive husband but I can't do it any longer the weight of it all has finally gotten to me. I can only go forward alone with the girls.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I can only guess at how it must feel to see your Daughter hurt like that and the further insult to injury with the weekend.
Just want to pass on one thing my Dad reminds me, which I always seem to forget in the moment - Don't do anything when you are upset or mad, hang fire, it may take a few days, even weeks to cool off. Wait till you are steady again then if you feel the same, you still have the option.
In the mean time, you can still change your attitude to W completely.
WAW, you are very, very, very correct about making decisions in a heightened emotional state.
Friday afternoon another blow to take, I get home grab the mail and the girls and I head out to go see Journey to the Center of the Earth. At a stoplight I open the envelope from the insurance company only to find a cancellation notice on the auto insurance due to non-payment. Seems she hasn't paid the auto insurance the last two months, yet I have been sending her my portion on the first of the month as agreed. So I call her on her mobile, she answers and she's in the car. I immediately ask what's up with the insurance. She acts clueless, I say we just got a cancellation notice. Then I realize there are other people in the car with her. (Her car has bluetooth so the call is over the stereo, yes everyone in the car can join in.) Then I realize she's with him and another couple. They are jabbering away about nothing while she and I talk. She assures me the insurance is on auto pay and will check it this weekend and correct it if any issue.
OK, insurance issue partially resolved. Then I say OK just let me know. I then mention Sunday night and ask what time do we want to do dinner and if our favorite pizza place is OK. She begins to stammer and studder, very unusual for her. Finally she says, let me think about that and get back to you. (Yes I was gloating a bit then knowing he was in the car and probably didn't know anything about her Sunday plans. ) She did call me back early afternoon Sunday and left a VM, she'd like to join us for dinner too.
Dinner and the show were great, we all had a good time, even she mentioned it. Afterward, we did talk about the insurance issue and re-aligning some expectations we both had that are out of alignment. She so tries to avoid any difficult discussions to the point it is not good. Nothing good comes from conflict avoidance.
So my impression is this whole episode with the insurance, with dinner and the show and my approach to it all has her still wondering. So back to a point of personal strength, I know I am "the man", deep down she knows it, deep down she sees it's what she wants yet she can't seem to get to a place to release the fear.
Now about filing, I finally came to the conclusion that filing is "enabling". Its enabling her behavior, specifically the conflict avoidance behavior. If I file I basically am saying her behavior is acceptable that its acceptable to hurt the ones you love and love you to find "happiness." That its ok to avoid the difficult things in life, to hide and run from them. To avoid the responsibility of her actions.
This gets back to not doing the hard work for her. She's got to do her hard work just like I have to do mine. Even if in the end we get divorced I can't let her "off the hook" from doing the hard work she needs to do and filing right now would do just that.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Now about filing, I finally came to the conclusion that filing is "enabling". Its enabling her behavior, specifically the conflict avoidance behavior. If I file I basically am saying her behavior is acceptable that its acceptable to hurt the ones you love and love you to find "happiness." That its ok to avoid the difficult things in life, to hide and run from them. To avoid the responsibility of her actions.
This gets back to not doing the hard work for her. She's got to do her hard work just like I have to do mine. Even if in the end we get divorced I can't let her "off the hook" from doing the hard work she needs to do and filing right now would do just that.
I'm right with you on this catfan, I think it's doing their dirty work for them. I think this is the driving force behind some of walkaway's behaviour; to cow us into pulling the trigger for them, and if we do they never have to really face what they are doing.
The wall I think is the fear of Divorce, if you can hit it, face it close up, and get to your feet again, then you've conquered your fear of it. Losing that fear unties your hands to handle more freely whatever comes next.
) She did call me back early afternoon Sunday and left a VM, she'd like to join us for dinner too.