Patience, patience, patience,. No expectations. Don't forget to breathe. Think before you open you mouth.
Upside,
I didn't save my marriage. But I like that you said trying not to count your chickens. One thing that I learned (and it didn't happen overnight) is that when you don't expect things, the lows are not so disappointing, but the highs are much more satisfying.
Thanks IMP- I am trying not to have expectations but it is hard at times...especially now that my H seems to be making more progress.
I was just thinking the other day that having no expectations really kind of goes against our nature. We are taught all of lives to be goal oriented. Isn't failing to plan, a plan to fail? I have tried to teach my children to have high expectations...now I am showing them how I have none. Grrr...this is confusing and frustrating...but I have to keep in mind that it appears to be helping my H moving in the right direction.
No doubt. It is confusing and frustrating. There is no question that we should have goals and place expectations on ourselves and work like heck to reach them. With your children, you are teaching them to have expectations for themselves. But when you want someone else to do something, you get into that tricky area. There is no doubt that you want to think positively about the moves your H is making, but you can't make his plan.
As for your plan, you do have one. You are working to create a better environment. Part of that of course is to identify and change any destructive habits you have. For instance, if you are a nag and that causes problems for you and your marriage, then you probably should expect yourself to fix that. What I am saying is you have plenty to expect from yourself.
Just a bit about expectations and children. Growing up with parents who had expectations for me was a real bee-otch. The thing is that their expectations were things they wanted and not always what I wanted. I mean when a kid says he would like to get into politics, telling him that actuaries make a lot of money really isn't helpful.
IMP-I hear what you are saying...we can only control ourselves...however, I guess what I was trying to say is that we do have expectations of how we should be treated if we value ourselves.
na-I am not sure if you were kidding or not but there have been so many times that I have thought about no being so available but what I am doing seems to be working at the moment...that leads me to believe that I should stick with what I have been doing at least for now.
peace-I am trying to let go and be the girlfriend. I am actually amazed at how little I am pushing...and it seems like the less I push, the more he is trying.
breton-My H filed the D papers almost 11 months ago (he is an attorney). He has never served me even though I have told him several times to go forward with it. I told him I want him to be happy and that I am willing to let him go. Several months ago I told him he could either go to C with me or go forward with the D. He chose the C. We have been to about 5 joint C sessions since then but he has been avoiding IC...but we will see what happens next week.
So tonight my H and I met for dinner. He sent me a few texts and email through the day and then he ended up leaving the office early and called me to meet him. We had an early dinner with some really nice conversation...I let him do most of the talking. At one point in the conversation, I did ask him if he thought he was happier now and he said he isn't as angry as he used to be...hmmm...sometime some of the things he says just follows this MLC stuff to a T.
Anyway, my H talked about us going to a movie tomorrow or the next day. HE also talked about having a little bon voyage send off for my D who is leaving on her BIG trip next week. I told him how I didn't know how I would be able to pull off a little party since my kids have games ALL weekend. He said he would be willing to prepare the food...which is very sweet of him. Tonight he told me that his is a big fan of my kids. He really does seem to be coming around and realizing some things...but then we did talk about doing some traveling tonight and there was really no mention of us doing anything together... ...maybe in time.
He has been making a few bigger steps forward lately which has been great...I just need to be prepared for the some steps backwards.
So is there a way to count the positives without counting your "chickens"?
...maybe in time.