Oh Sue, my heart breaks for your D4 and for you, having to pick up pieces that shouldn't have been broken. I wonder if he will say anything to you about the interactions this morning.
Immature a$$, taking his frustrations out on his own D4.
The letter from the builder? So odd, but yes, not a worry of yours. I wonder if you don't want to file for D when you move out, if you should look into a legal separation to protect your name financially......
Well, what I thought would be a very productive day at home yesterday turned into a very lazy one. D4 and I didn't do much, but that was okay. We watched movies & played some games. We wanted to go to the pool, but a big storm moved through that kept us inside for a while.
H got home last night around 8:30. He grabbed a glass of wine & went into the shower. After that, he ate & fell asleep on the couch, not saying anything to D4 or myself. D4 was her typical happy self and said hi to him & tried to talk to him. Either he was very quiet in his responses or didn't respond at all. I can usually hear him from the other room, but didn't hear him say anything to her. She tried!
I did take D4 to school this morning. She was not very cooperative getting dressed for me either, but we got it done and got to school & me to work all on time! She was happy when she got to school, as her best friend was already there. They both started to smile when they saw each other. I will take D4 to school every day from now on, whether H changes his mind or not. I figure that in less than a month it will be my responsibility anyway. Might as well get used to it now.
I'm taking D4 to a picnic tomorrow. Our company puts on a BIG summer event. A party both Friday & Sat. evening & a family picnic on Sat. afternoon. I have a friend/co-worker that just had a baby. She also has 2 girls around D4's age. I might spend Sat. evening with them instead of going to the event. I wanted to go, but I'd rather be with D4. I don't think H deserves time with her right now. The way he's acting, he probably made his own plans anyway and will be gone.
Time to get busy. Have a great day.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
As they say, don't forget to reserve time to take care of Sue as well as your DD -- but then there's no rule that says those two goals are mutually exclusive either, right?
I need to start out with something that just came in. H just sent me an email putting full blame on me for the situation. I just don't know how to respond.
This is what he said.......... Why do you not want me to touch you? You have created this situation. This started 7 years ago. Whether it is you don't know how or want to or don't think I want you to. You show me no attention, affection. (and if you do touch me, it's like I've got the plague, if you do touch it's like a wet noodle) When was the last time you initiated anything? You have never said a word about my losing all this weight, working out (looking quite buff)
In the year and a half I was at the phone bank, did you ever once compliment me about taking care of D4 and keeping the apt. up, making your lunch, having dinner basically ready, etc.. All you did was make excuses. "Oh our schedules" "it's not you, it's me" Blah-blah-blah. In the 3 years we have been up here I have asked if your feelings for me are what they used to be- You have never answered the question. Yes, No-Maybe.
SO whatever - you created this - you pushed me away. I don't care what you told your friands and family (that I've strayed, and it's all my fault), D4 however Will Be Told the Truth.
This is obviously what You've wanted, so you are getting iT. Later
This from a man who hasn't wanted to talk about anything with me. I asked him for chances, to spend time together....and was told no. I was told that he's in love with someone else and that we weren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives.
How do I respond?
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Hi sweetie! This is EXACTLY what everyone has expected him to do! Doesn't make it any easier on you, and might be producing that guilt feeling we've talked about, but... think about it. You KNOW this isn't your fault. You KNOW you gave him a chance to work this out with you. If you don't remember that, please go back over your journalling here and find the convos where you tried to talk to him.. specifically the ones where you told him that you want to save the marriage and wanted to work on it with him.
If you must respond.. give him the date and what you said - what the convo was. His memory is failing him. Isn't that convenient?
We know that him blaming you is a bunch of crap... let's get to how he's been acting for the last year. Would you really want a drunk that screws around, lies, talks nasty to you and your daughter to touch you? blech.. I mean, the health risks aside.. what's in it for you? You'll still have a man who's screwing around, says he doesn't love you, drinks all the time and doesn't treat his daughter right.
He just ticks me off to no end!! He's doing exactly what we said he'd do, but still.. doesn't he know losing weight doesn't make a bit of a diff if he can't be your best friend and husband first?
Hang tough. Honestly, I would act like I didn't even get that email if I was you. He's trying to drag you into a game to make himself feel better, or open the door to say "if Sue would admit she's wrong (and now that I realize I'm screwing up) - maybe I'll give her another chance" I'm a cynic but I think he really wants to move with you because he doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Time for him to start grasping at straws!
Your H needs to talk to a counselor about how to discuss divorce with a child. D4 should definitely not be informed of the intimacy problems of her parents. Perhaps this is an idle threat, but it is a harmful one. Not that he will in any way be able to influence D4 against her Mommy. She knows where the fountain of love is, and she will continue to drink from the only fountain she has.
Oh Sheila!! Thanks for responding so quickly. I'm sitting here at my desk with tears, but feeling so angry. He acts as if he's done no wrong. As if I've never reached out to him at all. As if I've never admitted my own mistakes.
Your thoughts (and Saffie's) that he wants to move with are right. I didn't get a chance to post about the weekend.
On Friday, H got home and barely said a word to us. On Sat. he got up and went to work. D4 told him that we were going to a picnic. He just mumbled something to her & walked out. He called on Sat. and in a snotty tone asked if we needed anything from the store. When we got home, he was headed to the pool. D4 told him that we were going to visit a friend of mine that just had a baby. He said...Have fun & walked away. D4 and I got home about 11:00 and went right to sleep. I heard H walk into the bedroom, saw that D4 was in bed with me, walked out and slammed the bedroom door shut.
On Sun. morning we got up to find H getting ready to leave. I asked what he was up to for the day. He would not respond. Finally he snapped.....what do you care? He told me he was going golfing. He called later in the day as happy as could be. When he got home, he acted all nice & flirty. I didn't bite. He got mad. He made some comment about why I don't like him to touch me. I said...H, you are involved with someone else. Then I asked if he knew where he was going or what he was doing. He said....Does this mean you don't want me to go with you? I said, H, you're the one that pushed me and pushed me to get out and find my own place. I did that. Then D4 interrupted us. When she walked out of the room, H quickly changed the subject to what to have for dinner.
This morning I called to ask him to remember to write me a check for daycare. His response.....Well, what am I going to get. My response was.....Ah, I paid daycare for you. He got angry. He's not getting what he wants and his pissed. Hence, the rotten email blaming me for everythng.
You know, I don't want this! As crappy as he's been to me, I just want to get along with him. I just want to go my way & have him go his. This is what he wanted. Why is he angry that I'm ready to do that?
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 07/14/0803:58 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
