Hey FIB - interesting that your W may be coming out of the tunnel now. I'm a sucker for a happy ending so I'll hold out hope that she can prove to you that she doesn't want a D - but you have to decide what you want.
It's funny - my W has given me the "I made a mistake, I'm back, ILY" speech twice already. I think getting it only to find out it wasn't real has been incredibly difficult. Both times she seemed coherent and when they are saying exactly what you want to hear...it's amazing. The worst is that both times she announced it to the kids also. I mean how many times can you drive the bus over us??
I'm in a very good place with the boys. the hard part is the neighbors - for obvious reasons the boys hate them and complain a lot about that sitch. I am thinking about a lot of things in that regard - once my W and I get stronger together (notice the PMA)I am going to move us out of there. And I don't mean I have to wait for a reconciliation. Just want to see some strong progress and we are pony expressing it out of here.
The boys know how much I love their mother - I tell them that every day - very important to me, especially when they are complaining to me. I feel a lot better than Wednesday night!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You don't miss a thing FIB - LOL! We had 3 games this week and another tomorrow morning. Quite honestly - I wouldn't mind the break from it - but the important thing is that my S10 asked if we could have a break tonight. He has been struggling in baseball lately and rather than push harder I think a little break would be good for him if that is what he wants.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Journal - Got home Friday and my W had let my S14 to go to the movies. She said she totally forgot about the punishment. I told her that I can't believe she for got about it. I believe she just wanted him out of the house. We had pizza and she went out shopping with the neighbor's W. When she left my neighbor came over to talk with me. We're actually getting along pretty well. He told me that he can't believe his W asked my W to go to Point Pleasant instead of him. He said he gave her the present so they could go together and then she asked my W. He said he's been married to her two years and they have never gone on vaca together. He said he never knows when she is taking vacation and she never wants to spend it with him. He said he is starting to lose patience with his marriage. He said he bought their house because he wanted to have kids with her. He said shortly after they moved in, they found out that she couldn't have children. He told me Friday that he thinks she knew before that and kept it from him. They agreed to adopt a child and he went and got papers and he signed them but she hasn't. He said they have had them in their kitchen now for over two months. I can honestly say that I enjoyed his company. He said the reason he likes to hang out with me and my W so much is because his sitch makes him very depressed. His mom is very sick and his W refuses to go to the hospital with him to see her. He said that really hurts him deeply and makes for big problems with his family.
When I went inside to go to bed my W starts grilling me about what we were talking about. She is EXTREMELY insecure and thinks I am talking about her to him. I did not say one word about her and invited her to call or go across and ask him. It ended up being one of those conversations. She denied that she agreed to work on our marriage right now and denied ever saying that she would so I tried to just end the conversation as i didn't know where she was coming from. She then went into how sad she is and how much this sitch stinks - she said she doesn't love me anymore and can't be there for the kids right now. I suggested that she move and get her own place and she came back with the usual - I can't leave my house and can't leave my kids. She said to stop saying she is a bad mother. (I have never said that to her - not once). She said she doesn't want anything from me and that I am a stranger to her, she doesn't know me anymore, doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't even want to watch TV with me. I can honestly say that in all the times she has said that she doesn't love me anymore, I've been able to handle it. But on Friday night she said it a couple of times and it seemed like there was something behind it and for the first time it really hurt me. I kept trying to think that this isn't about me - but I was really hurt.
She went to work Saturday morn and to her cousins for a birthday party. I had to shuffle the kids to all baseball games on Saturday by myself. My brother was having a party for his son that night so I decided to take the boys up so they could be with their cousins. It was very hard to be a family function without her but i managed. The kids had a great time. When we got home she was sitting in the TV room and asked how it went. I said fine and went upstairs to put the kids to bed. When I was finished I went down to the basement to watch TV. Within 5 minutes she came down and said - why are you being so mean to me?? I asked her what she was talking about. She said you came in and didn't even ask how her day went and then came down here without saying a word. I told her that I thought I was doing what she wanted and wasn't trying to be mean. It was just a long day and I was very tired and just wanted to be alone to collect my thoughts. She said I was being very mean.
Guys - I then lost it. I'm just getting tired of this. I didn't raise my voice but i matter-of-factly told her that I was tired of this situation and walking on egg shells around her. I told her how tired I am of being told that she doesn't love me - I told her I know that and she doesn't have to say it anymore. I told her I was tired of being told how to live my life and who I can and can't talk to. I told her that I was tired of the way she takes advantage of my good nature and love for my family. I told her I was tired of hearing that I have changed so much and can't be trusted and i told her I was tired of the awkwardness that she causes me. I told her that I love her and she will always hold a special place in my heart but i can no longer live like this. I told her our house is now just a house and no longer feels like a home to me. I told her I was tired of trying so hard with her at the expense of our children. I told her I was tired of having my facial expressions analyzed. I told her that I was tired of being called cold and unfriendly when I have more friends in the community that i can keep up with. I told her I was tired of keeping this secret of our current marriage away from my close friends who know from my actions that there is something seriously wrong in my life. I told her that I was tired of feeling guilty about enjoying my son's activities just because she doesn't. I told her that I am 41 years old and feel great physically and want to enjoy the prime of my life. I told her I am tired of being in a marriage with someone who doesn't love me. (That was the one thing That came out that I wish I held back).
When i was done she just stood in front of me and stared at me for a good 5 minutes and then started to cry. She knows that i usually fall all over her when she cries - but this time I just let her be. She ended up running up stairs and went out on our deck and laid on a lounge chair in the dark. Again, normally I would go out there and fall all over her. This time I just left her out there and went up to bed. She woke me up about 3am. We talked until 9:15am. She basically asked me not to make any life altering decisions right now while she is in this state of mind. I asked her what state of mind she is in. She said she can't figure out what her feelings are (than i said to myself than why do you keep telling me how much you don't love me??). She said she has only been to her counselor a few times and is working to try and sort them out and doesn't want to do anything rash until she figures that out. She asked if I could just continue to support her and be her friend and love her until she does. I told her that I think I could, but I wanted to sleep on it to sort out where i am at. She said that she understood. She cried a A LOT after that and said she is very sad inside.
Yesterday was a better day. I actually woke up holding her and honestly don't know how I got in that position - I was so freaking tired I don't know if I rolled over and held her or if she put herself there. But when we woke up she thanked me for helping her through her sadness.
We went out on the deck and she asked me to go for a swim. We did and the kids came out. It felt like a normal family day. I was actually choked up a bit because it felt so damn good to see her treating her kids nicely and being normal to me. We were sitting on lounge chairs and S14 asks if we could get a dog today. The kids have been asking for a while. So my W looked at me and said what do you think? All 3 boys then came up and said - Please Dad??? I said if Mommy wants to we could go look. She agreed.
We go to the kennel near our house. The minute we walked in we were all drawn to this little Dachshund. They put us in a private room with him. Everyone was begging. I asked the kids to go outside for a minute. I said to my W, what do you think?? She said she had a little voice in the back of her head that was telling her no. She said it was because her parents would not approve. I asked her what she wanted to do?? She said that she always wanted a dog. I said then let's do it. She said ok. The kids went nuts. After we paid for it, the dog took a big crap on the floor and my W panicked and said she couldn't go through with it. We made a little scene because the store owner said they already sent through the paperwork. We ended up taking the dog - my W was shaking. When we got in the car she took one look at it and smiled. She then looked at me and apologized and said that she wanted it and thanked me for pushing her to make a decision that she wanted. She actually held my hand in the car for more than 5 minutes. We then had a great night. She was fantastic with the dog. I have never seen my kids so excited about anything, EVER.
My W did get two more bouts of crying last night - she said it was her usual Sunday night stuff. She asked if I was ok for now with the friend thing. She asked if I could do that and continue to love and support her the way i am. I told her that I had thought about it and think that I can do it. I just can't do it forever. She said that she completely understands that.
When I left this morning she said she was going to get some dog shampoo and give the dog a bath today. I think this dog could be really good for her. She is already bonding with the kids in a way I haven't seen in a long time - she didn't even notice that though - she just did it.
The great thing is that my S10 came up with the name for our dog - Duncan. The kids all love Tim Duncan - and we all love to get Dunkin Donuts for breakfast on the weekends. I don't know if the talk on Saturday night was the right thing for me to do. All I know is that I do feel better getting it off my chest. She also looked shocked that I was willing to leave her in the current sitch. At one point when she woke me up she said she was terrified of what was going to happen between us.
Sorry this was so long today - feels good to cybertalk about it.
Last edited by mulesqb; 07/14/0802:39 PM.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
mules, be patient, give her space when she needs it. she is very confused. she is saying she loves you because at times she needs to keep you at arms legnth. remember dont believe 100% of what they say. i know it hurts.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
When we got in the car she took one look at it and smiled. She then looked at me and apologized and said that she wanted it and thanked me for pushing her to make a decision that she wanted. She actually held my hand in the car for more than 5 minutes.
Mules,
Please see the key secret to that paragraph.
btw, I thought your talk was awesome. It was honest, and "honest" is never wrong.
I prefer "leading" to "pushing," but yes. I think if you'll look back at that whole puppy interaction with her, you will see some clues as to how you should be leading her right now. It's the same strong leading behavior I was suggesting with the house a couple of months back.
And by the way, honesty is rarely a bad thing. Keep the anger and hurt out of it, and I think you did. You are allowed to have feelings, just as she is.
You might be prepared on the dog thing. I'm sure the boys are thrilled and hopefully yours will take better care of Duncan than mine do of theirs. Just don't be surprised if you get a frantic phone call one day because the dog has joined the boys in being just too much to handle. Just a heads up.
You are her friend. But you are also her husband. And I think I would let her know that you are not just being her friend through this, you are caring for her as a husband is supposed to care for his wife. "In sickness and in health," remember?
Odd that your wife does not appear comfortable with you seeing the neighbors on your own. It seems like each time she knows you have been talking with the neighbor H, she gets a bit dark and gloomy. I think there might be something to glean from that. Perhaps while she is intrigued with their care free lifestyle, there is a part of her that doesn't really want YOU to turn in to them. Hmm...I'll have to ponder that one.
I'm with Puppy in noticing that your wife expressed her appreciation for you urging her to go with what she truly wanted, rather than responding based on her experiences from childhood. I also think this might be a first indication that some of her current issues reflect back to that time maybe.
Just keep in mind that what is loving leading today can turn tomorrow into a controlling nature that she can't stand. It's tricky ground. That being said, it will become more and more incumbent upon you to take the lead.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
