Why would it be her H who has to go? His Dr. gave him pills. He's ready. She admits to lacking desire for the man.
Well, WDID indicated that H has had general difficulties with sexual desire/performance in the past, had an "uptight" upbringing, possible medical causes have been explored and she believes it's more emotional than medical. Pills can address some of it, but if there are some emotional issues that are making it difficult for him physically, I think it may be beneficial for him to consider sex therapy. It just may help him explore and work through any emotional barriers to sex in general.
As far as her own physical desire. She hasn't indicated that she has a problem with sex in general, but just with her H in particular. She doesn't need a sex therapist for that.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I wanted you to know that I have not forgotten about you. I have had computer problems and haven't been able to get to talk to my frinds lately. I am over at my son's now using his computer so I can make contact, at least. I see I have a lot of catching up to do. I gather that you are wondering about your H ebing gay? There are a lot of reasons that men get to where they can't "perform". I know medicine has definitely affected my sex drive. I also know it affects men, too. I wonder if the two of you are experiencing bad timing? I know that may sound crazy, but it seems like my entire M has been one big "bad timing" after another. It gets down right ironic.
Anyway, I'll be glad when I can get back to talking to you regularly. Just know I'm still thinking about you.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just don't know. I'm glad Retrouvaille is next weekend because we really need something and some direction. I feel like we are both just going through the motions. Today is a beautiful day out. We got up, went to church all together, came home, had lunch, and took a hour long bike around the lake. Anyone looking at us would think "what a great family". But, little do they know, we are empty shells inside. Day to day. Week to week. Month to month. I see the good in my H...there is LOTS of it. I would miss the great way he is, I would miss the way I want my family, and I would miss my life as I know it....but I am still so empty. I hope I can get some spark for this man.
Another beautiful day. I started reading Eat, Pray, Love. It is helping me keep my mind still. Thanks for the recommendation a while back, Sara. I didn't forget. 4 more days til Retrouvaille.
4 more days. Seems like it was 4 more months when you started waiting. I think this is the most difficult time. I think once you walk in that door things will start getting better. I will be praying for you.
I still have thoughts of the OM and what I may have lost there. YEs, part fantasy, but part reality. There were things about him that H will never be able to do because it is a diff personality type. I do think that if I hadn't been married yet and I was out dating men, including OM and H, H would not win out. Funny thing is, H said last night that if I put him on equal ground as the OM, with no baggage of the past, he'd have more of a chance. Hmmmmm.......not sure.
whatdidido,
I am not trying to be judgmental. I would like to ask a few "food for thought" questions.
Is it right for a married person to be "looking around" for something "better?"
Are you okay with the person in you are in a R/M with always "looking around" for something "better?"
At some point, does one need to work on their R/M, stop "looking around" for something "better" and take responsibility for his/her own happiness?
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/14/0803:43 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I hear ya dodo. It's not right to be looking around for something better. I don't feel good about myself for thinking my marriage is not what it should be. The "taking responsibility for my own happiness" is what I am trying to do.
You may not know my whole story. My H and I BOTH look back on our marriage and even the beginning and wonder if we should have gotten married. There are many key pieces missing in our relationship and there always were these pieces missing. We both know this. It wasn't something where we had this spark at the beginning and lost it. There was never that spark. I do remember being happy and excited to start a relationship with him. Friends were getting married, finishing college, ...good timing. I'm working on it. We both want our marriage to work and be legit. Right now it is not. THere is no sex in our marriage and there hasn't been any for over three years, I feel no more than a "brotherly love" toward my H, I cannot recall a time we laughed together (he can't either) unless you count tickling each other.
Well, since someone has bought up a past comment, there's one thing that struck me about that post...
You commented: >>Funny thing is, H said last night that if I put him on equal ground as the OM, with no baggage of the past, he'd have more of a chance.<<
That's because your H is the guy who would have actually MARRIED you. OM doesn't want a wife. Why do you think he was interested in a married woman? He could have easily chosen someone single. And there are plenty of beautiful, smart, happy, single women out there. Most of the time someone chooses to hook up with a married person because they don't want to make a committment and are also enjoying the excitement of them being married. In fact, if you were single or divorced the dynamics of the relationship with OM would change significantly.
He may think he wants you because he's enjoying the chase and would like to "win," or *thinks* he would like to win.. but if you actually did leave your H there would be a huge, "Oh Sh!t" moment for him. And if he did ultimately hooked up and marry you it would be because he was either stuck in the momentum of the situation (a "I won" high), or felt bad about you going through with the divorce "for him" and he felt he "had to."
You aren't D or single. You cannot compare your H and the dynamics of that relationship to the current or recent relationship with OM. If you weren't married that relationship would have a very different dynaimics, but I'm sure that's difficult to imagine.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
As far as the sex goes and three years... that's silly.
Basically, sex can be accomplished in a mechanical manner. It doesn't have to be rockets and fireworks. Just do it. In time, and with practice the feelings can change.
Anyone can be a prostitute. Consider you and your husband actors in the role of prostitue for each other. In the beginning it will be a "job" but just DO IT!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Root- Harsh words, but it's ok. I see what you are saying about the OM. My mind tells me all those things.
The sex thing...well, I don't know what to tell you other than if I tried to have sex with him now I would most definitely throw up, cry, or get royally pissed at him. I don't know how to explain it to you. Pick someone that totally grosses you out, maybe a homeless man who hasn't showered in months, and try to make love to him. That is how it is for me. I'm thinking extreme so you get the feeling. Think about making love to your sibling. That's maybe closer. I can't do it. At least not right now.
