WAW is full steam ahead

[mrz99]

I read in so may of these sitch'es that the W has talked about the importance of family and the desire to spend quality time with the kids. My W in my "bomb discussion" said over and over that one of the reasons she was seperating was for the "kids". The reality has been that she has spent little or no time with the kids since she moved out.

[Scott123]

My W in my "bomb discussion" said over and over that one of the reasons she was seperating was for the "kids". The reality has been that she has spent little or no time with the kids since she moved out.

Hmmm, again this parallels what my wife said and did.

Brother, I honestly think it's the fog they are in. This leads
back again to the statement that's been plastered all over these
boards which is -

"Don't believe 100% of the things she says and only 50% of her
actions"


Makes a lot of sense huh?

I think she is just fueled by emotion right now and is not
thinking clearly at all. I think you just have to weather
the storms because I'm sure there will be plenty to follow.

- Scott

[Neilh23]

Chris-
i'll tell you what...it's weird...not wearing the ring.

well what you do think "be yourself..but go dark" means? each sitch is different. You need to find what works for yours... in mine it meant that i would offer to help her......but let her contact me for it. She knows i would help her, but i let her ask for it. I also don't go out of my way to text or call her. that's the toughest part for me. We still talk everyday, albeit briefly when we say goodnite to the kids....but that's whats working for me....and our sitch is improving by baby steps

scott is right...i believe they are running on emotions right now. and it will be an up and down journey. back off and leave her alone. let her think about her decisions...and the long term impact of them. look at the feelings of the WAW's on here....it'll help weather this storm.

good luck

[The Wifey]

Ok guys, and I do mean the men here. My H is in the house and I am having a real hard time with the backing off and the going dark. I can also use your input.

My h let me know that he felt unappreciated, used, taken advantage of because of my very bad habit of making plans and letting him know at the last minute. I see what I did to cause a lot of hurt to him. I'm changing, but he doesn't yet see the changes as permanent.

Now I need to know how to reverse this but still do the hanging back and staying dark to give him space and time to figure out his own head. (His words, not mine.)

I was thinking that maybe tonight I would go to the library or go fishing. Do you think, even with his request for space, that it would be better to keep myself busy at the house rather than go somewhere? He often complained how I was always busy elsewhere or just plain gone.

Or would my being out be just what I should do? I just don't know. I'm leaning toward the being in the house but keeping busy.

(((Losing sunshine))) Keep doing what you are doing with focusing on the kids. As much as your w is in a fog, she could never, ever fault you for focusing on the kids except out of her own guilt.

[LosingSunshine]

Thanks (((Wifey))), Neil, Scott and mrz99!!!

Right now I am focusing on the kids, doing changes and things that I have control over, detaching and being dark.

I do believe the w is in a fog and fueled by emotion, with the added feature of some type of EA (maybe PA) with OW or at least facination/curiousity about the lifestyle. And now, she has no desire to act like a family. She wants to do things with the kids without me around which is fine. I won't necessarily leave the house all of the time if I don't want to, but will give her the space she needs, as I have been.

Actually, just ran into OW/dear friend while walking into my office after C session and she wasn't her usual outgoing self towards me (guilt or p/o - I set a boundary, no friends in the house, not mine or hers and w was not happy). Too funny. With regards to how to outshine OW, my counselor said best to remain as is, that is being a stable foundation that is non-confrontational and willing to listen when she needs me to and to be there when needed. This is what first attracted her to me as it was so different from what w had prior to meeting me and was what she wanted. It's just that we allowed for co-dependence to grow into dependence and allowed for the passion and communicaton to fizzle. So now, whether romantically or not, several voids are being filled by this OW and only time, pressure of D weighing on her thoughts, or her coming out of the fog will change things. I am okay with that. I am becoming more patient with each passing day and am becoming more comfortable with what might be the eventualality. As either Sandi or SC pointed out, the issues right now are her issues. I have not control over them, only she does.

Last night was good as we didn't talk and I allowed her to have her space after I got home. This morning was pleasant with me asking her how the kids were yesterday. Some small chat around that and then she wanted to discuss which days who would have the kids. Kind of silly that she doesn't want to allow for some semblance of a family for the kids but maybe better to prep them for what most likely lies ahead in a few months.

On the way to daycare, 4D told me how w's friend/OW met them at the park in the afternoon, which I am okay with. 4D wasn't clear but W may have violated boundary/rule by having friend to house after the park. I don't want to be a doormat with this but I have no clear evidence and I don't want a confrontation. Just something for me to note and be aware of in the future.

She is meeting with her L to inform her that we will be going through mediation. I think the financial reality of the D will be setting in hard pretty soon. Not that I want her to decide to work on M because of that but it's just another thing that is out there.

The going dark thing is still something I want to do, for myself. Everytime we talk, it ends up in R talk (except for 2 Saturdays ago) and it's the same talk. W wants D, independence, separateness etc. I am going to deliver on the "here's your life without me as your husband". I said during the talk last Tuesday that I want her to be happy and what is best for the kids, even if she feels that means divorce. I don't accept D as the answer but will support it if that's what will make her happy. I then said that given where we are, I will have to stop caring for you as a W, which she teared up on. Now, I am acting on what I said.

C says the underlying issue with W continuously bringing up the independence/separateness is that it is something that she is still confused about/dealing with and feels quilty about. Didn't really think about that and don't know how to respond the next time she brings it up outside of the listening and validation. It is her issue to deal with, not mine. Is that the correct attitude to take? I don't really now how to respond the next time she brings it up other than "I understand yadda yadda yadda"

I am really acting as if I am moving ahead, with or without her and feel no guilt about my decision. Yes, I would love it if my W changed her mind today, tomorrow, next week...month...year and will deal with that if it ever happens. For now, it's about making me a better person and a better daddy.

[sandi2]

Okay, here is my two cents worth again about going dark while in the same house. I think it is almost impossible when you have small children. In other words, when you are trying to go dark, it only comes across as you pouting or being sulled. Going dark, IMHO, only works well when you are living in separate houses or at least the kids are big enough to take care of themselves. How can you come together to eat at the same table, talk about the kids, and call yourself going dark?

The only way to "outshine the OP" is when you are applying the other DB principles living in the house with your spouse. I won't get into all of it again, b/c I think I've expounded on it before. I don't see going dark as a means to outshine the OP.

Now, I know you can detach emotionally from you spouse while living in the same house. But that is not the same as going dark.
Maybe I am the one that is not understanding the principle of going dark.....but to me, it means that you don't see them nor do you talk to them. How are you going to do that under the same roof?

"What surprised me was that she did not even check on the kids or stop in to kiss them good night. Don't understand that."

You and several others have said things like that many times and that is b/c you are still thinking that she should behave like the woman you married! Remember, she is not that woman now! She has only one thing on her mind primarily, and that is her happiness.....nobody else.....even her kids. It hurts to see them that way and I think men mentally chose to turn a blind eye to it b/c it does hurt them so much to see their W's act that coldly toward their own children that once they were so dedicated to.

Still having computer problems...ugh! So, I'll stop for now and hope to contact you soon.

Take care,
Sandi

[Neilh23]

"She has only one thing on her mind primarily, and that is her happiness.....nobody else.....even her kids. It hurts to see them that way and I think men mentally chose to turn a blind eye to it b/c it does hurt them so much to see their W's act that coldly toward their own children that once they were so dedicated to. "

Sandi, could you explain that in more detail please? I'd like insight, because my W is doing some of the same things, but not all. The big thing is the happiness....and worrying about her own. and not seeing how its affecting our kids. How can a LBH address that without getting angry and driving her further away? Can we even do that?

[LosingSunshine]

(((Sandi))), Thanks for stopping by! Your advice and words are much appreciated.

I am looking at the dark thing as giving her space and not engaging her in conversation unless it is about the kids and unless she brings something up. The only way I can outshine OP/OW is to be a loving and involved father, be stable (professionally, personally, and emotionally), and to continue with my current actions (180s etc..). I have no problem talking with her if she engages but outside of the kids at this point, I really have nothing to talk to her about as she always brings up the D/mediation. Going dark is a way for me to avoid those talks and I guess, I am not really going dark, just keeping busy so as to not go down more cheesless tunnels.

I wish that there was more I can do to work on the communication aspect as well as WOA (one of her LL as is acts of service). There are other things I can do with regards to acts of service and probably will do a few here and there to see if there is any response but the talking has led no where, unless it is about the kids. The conversations are not productive at this time. I need the time away from them and she needs time to think things through, so to speak.

Now while I was just starting to do this over the weekend, she decided at the same time that she wants to establish boundaries as she feels like a prisoner in the house. When she's home with kids, she doesn't want me around as she feels guilt, pressure etc...and doesn't want to do anything that can be considered "family". Now I won't appease her everytime as that will make me a doormat but at the same time, I need to let her have time with the kids and I need to GAL.

I am feeling good about the level of detachment I have achieved and hope that I am just not subconcsiously burying these things to be revealed at a later date ;-) considering that we are both still in the same house. And I agree, it just baffles me how her priorities have been flip-flopped. I guess I just don't understand the emotional and phsychological components in this and probably never will to the extent that I wish I could.

All I know is that I can only do what I have control over and a lot of the other issues are hers, for her to control. The D is for her to choose and she has control over it and the what comes after it.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Neil, last Tuesday when my w brought up the divorce papers towards the end of the conversation I brought up the kids and how they have been acting etc... The next night she told me that what is said made her feel a lot of guilt and she felt relieved when I told her that was not my intention that I just wanted her to know my concerns about the kids. Since then, she has inquired a few times but it seems as if she doesn't care. Just my .02.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Well, feeling kind of low tonight. I had a great evening with the kids and they were surprisingly well behaved. I managed to pick up the house and got the laundry done. I even steamed my Ws shirts to touch upon the acts of service LL. I did this the first weekend of the sitch and haven't since. Just curious to see what kind of response I get.

So at one point tonight, I went to our computer room and saw some printouts of various apt complexes that W is looking at. She can only afford a 2 bedroom for her and the 2 kids and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Everything that I have worked so hard to achieve to be able to provide the best for the kids was for nothing. Sure, I will be buying my W out of the house and keeping it but it just bothers me that she would rather that she thinks that would be a better environment than what that have now. I am half that they will be here 2 weeks every month if the D goes through but I always wanted to give so much for my kids, to provide experiences my W AND I never had and it will all be gone. Just sad.

And I know she sees the alternative as being better than what the M was. I know but I wish. I pray. I pray every night that God gives her his grace so that she can find the courage for herself, for us and for the kids.

I am also sad that my precious children will be the ones that will have the hardest time adjusting and coping with this.

Chris