Dancing With Myself

[W2G]

Good luck with the house search Red.

You sound really good! I like the fact that you are going to have a fresh start in your brand new place!!!!!

And it would be nice if you chose a cluster house (we call them townhouses) because from experience I find the yard work and snow removal a huge pain in the a$$. Have you been having to do all of that since the bomb or is your H helping with that?

W2G

[redhottie]

H has done some of the snow and I have done some. D15 tried helping during our March blizzard. H cut the grass once or twice in the spring, then he bought me a new lawn mower. Last weekend I spent hours cleaning up the backyard. I trimmed the bushes earlier this week and I take care of the gardens. Garden is a hobby and I'll miss my flowers. At least I will be able to dig up the ones I want and take them with me. The bad thing is I have painted two rooms in the last month. At least the Ds will still be spending time here, so I don't feel that I did that work for nothing.

Right now I feel exhausted. It has been an emotionally draining day. D15 was very upset in the afternoon and I sent H a text to let him know. H called her and said they would talk tonight. They didn't. D10 got upset about the big D after H left tonight. She brought up that there is no reason to get married when people don't love each other forever. I told her I still love her dad but we can't seem to make each other happy. Her response was we must not love each other because the things you love make you happy. So if we love each other why are we getting divorced. Sent H another text asking WTF am I supposed to tell her and he said tell her that two people can love each other but not make each other happy. Good thing I see my T tomorrow.

[redhottie]

Not much to report. I did see my T yesterday and she thought I seemed much stronger. I actually made it through my session without a tear which I think is a first. T feels that buying a new house for the Ds and myself is a great idea. She thinks it will help us with our fresh start. One of the houses we are interested in has an open house tomorrow so I think we will get a start on the hunt.

I took D10 to the pool yesterday. We met a friends of ours there so I got to talk to an adult while D had fun in the water. D15 wouldn't go because that isn't something that teens do.

While I was there I got a text from H.(it was VERY late in the afternoon) He was informing me that he was going to have to leave early today. (it is his weekend) I was peeved because the Ds mentioned in the morning that he might have to go to a meeting, but he had not mentioned it to me. I didn't bother texting him back. I got a call from him after we got home. I asked if he had just found out about this and he lied and said yes. Maybe he just found out about the time and place, but he knew it was a possibility. So glad I hadn't made any plans. Funny that he was calling me nasty a month and half ago when I didn't give him enough notice of something. Love the double standard.

[BobbiJo]

Sorry things are so f'ed up with H. It is really hurting your kids and he doesn't seem to have the tools to try and help fix it....so like my H.

H always said he would "talk" to S but he never did. Or he'd make a quick comment like, "I don't think we will ever live together buddy" and then disappear while I picked up the pieces....

Hope your weekend goes better that the past couple days. Thinking of you...

[Kalni]

Hi Liz,
I am thinking of you. I am glad you feel stronger.
K

[redhottie]

SMACK! That is the sound of me hitting myself with Woog's 2 x 4. I let H walkover me a little this weekend and I then let it effect my mood.

1st he gave me short notice that he was going to have to leave early during his Saturday visit. I knew he had an idea this was going to happen. Instead of confronting him I beat around the bush hoping he would come clean...he didn't.

2nd I let a joke that H made ruin my morning yesterday. I know I shouldn't do things like that, but it is something I think he did to po me. I decided to send him a text telling him I didn't appreciate it. He said he had no idea what I was talking about but he wouldn't joke with me anymore. (That is the way he responds to things I point out.) I sent another text explaining specifically what the joke was that upset me, of course I then got no response.

3rd H had D send me a text half an hour after I left the house yesterday to tell me they wouldn't be at the house so I could come home if I wanted. H really thinks I have no life.

I know Woog, I'm not supposed to be leaving the house anymore. Since he agreed to find a place this week I decide I would put up with it for two more weeks. Then it changed to me looking for a house for the Ds and me. Now today we are supposed to go to an Open House. I am going to listen to what H thinks, but I will make it clear that this is going to be my house, and I will get the one I want.

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms. hottie..

Thanks for stopping by.

I've been reading "Codependent No More", it's been very helpful. I hate labels, codependent being one of them. I always felt bad if I thought they applied to me.

Since I've begun reading this book, I'm aware of behaviors I have and am learning how to address them. For example, my post last night pouting. Shazaam.. upon reflection I realized I was not being direct about what was bugging me. I thought pouting would make people understand they had to take care of me cuz I was hurt. Yelling "OW.. this hurts like a Mama Copulator" is more effective.

Soooooo... if you feel like you're being taken advantage of, you are. How do you combat that?

Figure out what it is (spouse not giving you notice)
Figure out your response (oops, got plans.. spouse you figure out how to cover the kids)
Know that as tough this stance is, you don't have to 'save' your spouse. He's an adult, he can figure out childcare.

The next time, if there is a next time.. he'll be aware of consequences.

*hugs*

[redhottie]

I am at a point of frustration and confusion right now. I am trying to be strong. Trying to face the fact that my M is over and move on. The problem is I still love my DAM of an H. I can't seem to detach and I know part of that is for lack of effort. I think the biggest thing keeping me from detaching is that I don't think H really tried to save the M. H has professed that he tried working on the M in the past, but I wasn't trying.

As far as trying to move on...the Ds and I went to look at houses yesterday. H went along and gave his opinions. His favorite was not the same as our's. But that is ok. I am thinking about bidding on one house, but I am scared to death. I know I can do it finacially, but it will be tight. H was starting to run through his finances and keeping this house and I think he started feeling sorry for himself. I wanted to say it doesnt' have to be that way but I didn't. All I did yesterday when talking to H was talk about moving and finances.

[Kalni]

Liz,
don't forget to breathe(sp?)as Woog says. It is obvious, at least to me, you are holding on to your M. It is obvious you are postponing things because you don't feel ready to move on. And of course you are, since you are here fighting for your marriage. Take your time. Just make sure whatever you do, doesn't hurt you even more. Prolonging a "sick" situation, IMO, decreases your chances to get your M back on track. I see you feel stuck, feeling if you got some "answers" from him you would be able to move on. It doesn't work this way, at least for me it didn't. The answers had to come from within. He never had any to beginn with. Your H is just as my STBXH. You can be smarter than I was.

Moving on with houses etc doesn't necessarily mean you give up on your marriage. What you have been doing so far, apparently it didn't work. Consider this as new approach and re read the book again. Have you thought of talking to a DB coach? It's worth to try, don't you think?
I am here for you, as always
K

[redhottie]

Thanks K, you know you are my rock and my idol. I am so glad to hear from you.

I did call a real estate agent last night and today I called to start the process of getting financing for a house. I know you are right K about so many things. I realize that this is a very sick R right now, if H isn't willing to heal it it will just have to die. I think I am starting the mourning process. I guess I will work on some packing and tossing today.