Detaching 101??

[fooled again]

Last thread was no longer appropriate so I decided to start a new one (here's the link to my last thread Helping OW??).

I did get a campsite for Sat night & called H as he had volunteered to bring out the camper for me - I don't have a hitch on my new truck & I think H wasn't keen on swapping cars (hard to explain to OW??). He came, we set up the camper, then he left for his game, saying he would be back later that evening (he had asked me if he could join me that night after his game).

I enjoyed my day, met some really nice people and relaxed, taking time for myself and not having to take care of anyone else (except the dog). By 10:30 pm I had pretty much resigned myself to the thought that H was not coming - they close the gates to campsite 11:00 pm. I remember looking up at the stars and making my usual wish and I said a little prayer at the same time. I offered to sacrifice being with H tonight if it helped bring him home sooner. That I would be okay. I had a little cry and then I was okay. 15 minutes later he pulled into the site.

We had a pleasant night, put more wood on the fire, opened another bottle of wine and talked about alot of things, but nothing at all about us. He asked why I had such a small fire, I said it was because it was just me & I didn't need a huge fire. He said "You didn't think I was coming." I said that I wasn't sure, I thought he might have wanted to stay & hang w/ his friends & I would have been okay. Then I said "But I'm really glad you came." He said he was too.

He talked to me about some of his sports friends, something he rarely ever does with me. He has always kept his "newish" friends separate from me (most of his old friends are no longer part of his life). I knew a few names, but I didn't know anything about them. Last night it was as if he was filling me in a bit on that part of his life. I'm trying not to make too much of it, but it made me feel a bit hopeful for H to be letting into his life a bit more, to hear him talk about people he spends time w/, their personalities, his relationships with them.

However, in listening I realized that a couple of these guys have some pretty serious drinking/drug/money problems. H's attitudes sounded very strange to me, like a teenager's. At one point I thought to myself, "I really hope you can hear what you are saying about them. I hope you can see the parallels between yourself and them." Of course I said none of these things. This was not the first time he has done this; about a week ago he talked to me about his friend (who I do know) whose girlfriend is cheating on him.

But last night was a bit scary too, to be honest, as it was one of the few times he has opened up enough for me to catch a real glimpse of his MLC-mind and the people he is surrounding himself with. He seems to just party when he is not with me, plays his sport & drinks & hangs out with those guys - everything else does not exist, his problems, his responsibilities, even the people who love him. Those seem to disappear from his mind when he is not near me.

Of course I don't know what H is doing when he is with OW, but I can't imagine that that scene is really good right now, and there is probably a lot of pressure being applied there by OW. I am trying to be an open book to H, I am trying to make him feel it's safe to talk to me. If it has to start by him telling me about his friends and moving from there to maybe work, family, and, hopefully, finally to us, then I will do what I can to lay the groundwork and just listen. Say less, listen more. Accept, don't criticize or judge. Detach and watch him struggle through his MLC, knowing I can do little to help him. Blech

I think it will be a long time before H is ready to talk honestly with me about our R and his R with OW. The last thing I want is more lies, more deception. I know if I ask, he'll lie. So I simply assume that he is seeing OW still, maybe not having sex w/ her as she has issues with that, but still trying to figure out what he wants. I wrote somewhere in a post that I don't trust H now, so I'm not even going to try to trust him. It takes a lot of pressure off me, to stop trying to do something that would impossible for me to do anyway. When H tells me what he is doing or has done, I will hazard that 50% of the time he is lying because he is seeing OW (it would be nice if it was less).

Communication between OW and I has ceased. After calling her last week and getting no response, I decided I will just leave it. The less involved I am the better. Their relationship has to crash and burn on it's own without my interference or H may think it ended because of me. I would hate to have him come home to me but regret the end of his affair and have him blame me and mourn it for longer than necessary, or maybe even go back to her.

This detaching is sooooooo hard, especially after ML last night. And what's strange is that we are so connected, it is so natural and H can be very open w/ me when we ML, yet he can be so distant & closed off when we are just together. At one point last night I was doing something he likes very much & H went "Hmmh" like he just had an interesting thought. I asked what was that? He said "We can do this, and we're not even talking, I'm not telling you what to do." I hoped that it was him acknowledging that our connection, though very physical at that moment, was maybe even more than that. I didn't ask him what he meant (this is a weakness of mine), plus there were other more pressing matters to attend to

We sat on the beach today for a couple of hours and I was watching all the happy families having fun together. I saw one family on a boat, a boat H would have very much liked to own & I thought about what H has thrown away during all of this. H would have loved to swap places w/ that family at one time, would have in a heartbeat, the boat, the beautiful wife, the two lovely kids, probably a nice house & a contented life. But now H literally has nothing, less than nothing. I've even been thinking of suggesting that we sell the house to get us out of debt, but I won't go there until H gives some indication as to where he is headed. At least we still have the house, I thank God for that. It's the only thing we have left.

I asked H a couple of things about what was happening w/ his family, his sister his parents, etc. I know more about their lives than he does. I filled him in on a few things. He acknowledged that it's been far too long since he talked to them & he will call his sister. He doesn't talk much to his family anymore, and they used to be such a huge, important part of his life. They have their problems too, like everyone, but they are kind, loving people and I know I need them in my life. Now, he doesn't talk to anyone, even his parents rarely hear from him. So back to the beach... I asked H if he ever thought about moving closer to family. He said not really. I said to him that I feel as though I am missing so much. He asked if I meant with my parents? I said yes, and with his family too. I then asked, what he would do if one of his parents got sick, or more likely 'when'. He said he hadn't really thought about that - of course not, he's only thinking about himself right now, partying, having an affair, spending money he doesn't have, doing whatever he wants on a whim.

It's as though he completely forgets about his family. I didn't come right out and tell him that I wanted to move close to family, but I think he understood that the thought was crossing my mind more and more. In a little over a week, H will go pick up D who has been visiting both grandparents & other family. He will stay with his parents and see some of his siblings. I don't expect H to come back a changed man, but I simply can't see H living out the rest of his life as a stranger to his family. Eventually he will reconnect with them and maybe, just maybe, that too will lead him back to me.

My recent project is going back and reading all of BFM's old posts. Her sitch is so much like mine that I feel that I can maybe learn her detachment by reading her thoughts - many times I could have written the post myself.

So for now I am back to detaching. Starting with the basics all over again. Talk (no R talk), touch, getting to know each other. I don't know my H anymore, talking to him made me realize that. Likely he feels the same way about me. Will I ever know him again? I sure hope he lets me...

FA