When all the warning signs of an A are there, but W hasn't said anything, and she's moved out so that it's difficult to gather intel, should you take her at her word that there's nothing going on? Just accept the fact that she says she enjoys being with you but doesn't want to be married? Enjoys a new wardrobe, new haircut, new friends, etc.?
Or should you proactively spy on her? Talk to friends? That all could of course backfire if she catches on.
Just wondering what your take is when an A, if there is an A, is secret and a couple is no longer living together.
I am generally pro-intel ("snooping"), but with some caveats:
- only do it if you can handle what you find out (some people simply can't. You have to be able to get into the mindset where it's a "game" and almost totally detach from the emotions of the painful things you will see and hear).
- only do it for strategic or tactical purposes. NOT simply for the "drama" of it all, NOT for spite, NOT for self-flagellation or any other reason than to learn the TRUTH of the current situation, so you can plan and act accordingly.
- Do it to verify the wayward spouse's promise of NO CONTACT, or the walk-away spouse's contention that there is no other person involved.
- Do it only until you have the intel that you need, and then stop (other than perhaps to periodically verify), as it can wear on the betrayed spouse's already-frayed emotions.
- I'm in favor of learning all I can about the character, mindset and behavior of the WAS if there are children involved, and custody decisions need to be made. Quite simply, people in active affairs aren't in the frame of mind to be good parents, as they will do some pretty scary and reckless things to feed their addiction.
When the WAS has already separated themselves from the marital home, it is a bit different. It depends on what the goal is. If the goal is to BUST UP THE AFFAIR as soon as possible (or at least hasten its natural demise), so that the wayward spouse can begin to go thru withdrawal and then be in an emotional position to receive the betrayed spouse's gestures of love, then I'm in favor of gathering intel to help accomplish that. If it's merely out of spite, however, to "get back at" the spouse for walking away from the marriage, I'd be against it.
It's controversial, and those are just my personal opinions, based on what worked for me and what I've seen work for others. Each person needs to do what they feel is best for their individual situation, and reasonable people DO disagree on this subject.
so if you're doing it to verify a WAS's contention of no OP, but run the risk of getting caught .... well, I guess it gets tricky and there's probably no one way that's easier to deal with the sitch than another.
This was essentially what happened to me. My W moved out, and since she was working with OM, it was hard to tell what was going on and so I never questioned her honesty. Short of busting into the room where they worked, I don't exactly know how I could have caught them. Cell phone records could certainly have been read as work-related (I did check).
So given a sitch like that, with the goal being to bust up the A as soon as possible, what would your thoughts be? I don't know if this is Purr's sitch, but now I'm curious.
I personally would not care one whit if my wife found out I was trying to gather intel. Eventually, she did, in fact, find the voice-activated recorder in her car, the GPS-enabled cellphone in the trunk, and figured out that I had a keylogger on our home computer. By then, I had more than what I needed to "hang" her.
In every case, I said the same thing: "Everything I'm doing, you may not agree with, but I'm doing to try to save our marriage and keep our family together."
I still think the best way is to simply catch them leaving their cellphone lying around, and read their text messages. I haven't seen an affair yet that didn't use TMs as its basic communication currency.
I just read the entire thread of Purr. I feel there's about a 90% chance his wife is having at least an EA, if not a full-blown PA, and statistics would back that up as well. Women almost always have a "place to fall."
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
puppy- what sort of intel do you think would be helpful in busting up the affair?
Anything that Purr can use to look his wife straight in the eyes when she says "He's just a friend," and say "STOP IT. We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. You are having an affair with this man, and I cannot live in an open marriage. Whatever it is you want to do with our marriage, I will not tolerate you lying to me or our families about this any longer."
E-mails, text messages are the least expensive intel; a good private investigator of course is the best, but can be quite expensive. I was fortunate in that I had a kind soul from the Marriage Builders site offer to follow my wife and OM for gas expenses only, in a "pay it forward" gesture, and she was very helpful in confirming the hook-ups.
