I am generally pro-intel ("snooping"), but with some caveats:
- only do it if you can handle what you find out (some people simply can't. You have to be able to get into the mindset where it's a "game" and almost totally detach from the emotions of the painful things you will see and hear).
- only do it for strategic or tactical purposes. NOT simply for the "drama" of it all, NOT for spite, NOT for self-flagellation or any other reason than to learn the TRUTH of the current situation, so you can plan and act accordingly.
- Do it to verify the wayward spouse's promise of NO CONTACT, or the walk-away spouse's contention that there is no other person involved.
- Do it only until you have the intel that you need, and then stop (other than perhaps to periodically verify), as it can wear on the betrayed spouse's already-frayed emotions.
- I'm in favor of learning all I can about the character, mindset and behavior of the WAS if there are children involved, and custody decisions need to be made. Quite simply, people in active affairs aren't in the frame of mind to be good parents, as they will do some pretty scary and reckless things to feed their addiction.
When the WAS has already separated themselves from the marital home, it is a bit different. It depends on what the goal is. If the goal is to BUST UP THE AFFAIR as soon as possible (or at least hasten its natural demise), so that the wayward spouse can begin to go thru withdrawal and then be in an emotional position to receive the betrayed spouse's gestures of love, then I'm in favor of gathering intel to help accomplish that. If it's merely out of spite, however, to "get back at" the spouse for walking away from the marriage, I'd be against it.
It's controversial, and those are just my personal opinions, based on what worked for me and what I've seen work for others. Each person needs to do what they feel is best for their individual situation, and reasonable people DO disagree on this subject.
