Feeling Hopeless...

[ann25]

I am merely saying that you cant 'fix that'. or at least not right now. you gotta focus on your #1 priority first: your marriage. Fix THAT first, and then your children's issues will become a whole lot easier to help afterwards.

Until that time, you might try to protect them or divert them, or just encourage them to be not around "dad" as much, if he doesnt seem to want them around him.

Thanks. I know that i can't make him be a better dad. I can't make him be nice to them. I have started just keeping them away from him, especially when i know he's in an especially bad mood. When he starts yelling at them, i tell him to let me handle them and he normally just goes back to whatever he's doing. I think when i ask him for help with them and he doesn't want to it's like he takes it out on them. Any ideas on how i can get him to help me with the girls (something on my list) without him being bitter about it and taking it out on them?

he has to realize what changes he needs to make, and why he needs to make them.
Right now, I think he believes that he does not have to make any changes... because you will eventually give up and do everything he says. (or close enough for his liking)

That's pretty much the way i am. I have a lot on my plate and it's always been easier to submit to what he wants than to fight it. If i had realized that it would get me here, i would have suffered the headaches then cause they are about 100 times worse now.

The most important thing, is to let him know, up front, cooly and calmly, exactly what you need to see from him.
As I keep stressing, this needs to be specific actions.
It's tough to make "specific actions", about him talking disrespectfully to you, i admit... that's an exception. You MUST confront hiim when he does that. No way around that. That doesnt mean yelling, though.
What he has to do on his part, is listen to you when you confront him. If he doesnt, that becomes part of his "required actions" that you demand.

Thank you. i'm putting listening to me at the top of my list...

also, DO NOT SETTLE for breadcrumbs.
Make sure that he really gets committed to FULLY meeting your needs, before you reverse things.

this will probably be the hardest part for me. How am i supposed to know that he's going to keep doing what i need or if he's just doing it til i stop asking for it.

This is really tough stuff, as I said. It will take tremendous willpower to see this through, given your previous patterns with you.

I'm doing ok so far. I kinda feel like this is my last chance to make this work, not because he's going any where, but because i can't handle it. what you said about once i'm prepared for a real divorce that i'll be less likely to want to fix it. I think i've already kind of prepared myself and that's making this hard, but i'm going to try realy hard. thank you for always helping me along even when i'm not very good at taking advice...