H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, One Day,
Thanks so much for responding! I am really looking forward to building a rapport with all the nice people here who are in the same boat that I am!

You are right, friends and relatives and so forth are mostly supportive of me (although I have had a few betrayals ), but a lot of them really don't have a clue why I haven't booted him out the door (or they think I'm some kind of a wimp, or a bit of a fool who is unwilling to face reality). They don't understand that it takes more guts to stand and DB than to give up.

Yes, it is hard to see H regularly and feel the waves of coldness coming from him, especially when I see how warm and friendly he is with everyone else. I want to say, "What did I ever do to you that you feel I deserve to be treated like this??!" But then he'd probably tell me....

I have not really tried to set any boundaries with him, as I have a strong feeling that that will drive him right out the door. He comes and goes as he pleases. Usually he tells me where he's going...or if OW is involved, just that he's going away/out of town until x time. The main thing that really steamed me that I might have some control over (not much I can control, of course) is him bringing her here when I'm gone. I didn't really say much to him when I found out he had done that. But I couldn't keep my anger from leaking out around the edges, so I know he knew I was displeased, since the next time I was going out of town, he told me OW was in town but volunteered (I did not say anything about this or make a request) that they would stay elsewhere and he wouldn't bring her to the house "because you objected." (Imagine that!!!) Of course, I ended up not going out of town that weekend after all (too much work, too little sleep--didn't decide this until after he left for the weekend, though), and I noticed that when he left that Friday, he didn't take so much as a toothbrush, and ended up having to buy toiletries and clothes to supply himself until he got home again late Monday night, after going to work that day. Also, that Saturday afternoon, I was standing in front of our neighbors' house talking to them about this whole situation, and here came H's car around the corner...and OW was with him. When he saw me, he didn't even stop, just kept on going, and that was the last I saw of him until Monday night...although right after his drive-by, he called my cell phone and left a message along the lines of "Stopped by to check on the cats, but since you're still there I guess you're not going...call me if you want to discuss anything." Riiiiiiight. And I'm supposed to say...what? Again, he seems to suddenly believe I'm an idiot and will believe that he was telling me the truth about not bringing her to the house...keep in mind that I did not ask for this promise, it was entirely his idea. I'm supposed to believe that he really wanted to spend his time with her shopping for stuff he had at home already, and that her being with him in the car when he came by the house on Saturday was...what, an accident?

Anyway, that was in April, and in June, I went out of town again for my scheduled class...when he was leaving for work that Thursday morning, he asked if I was actually going this time, and when I said yes, he wanted to know when I was going and coming back. I told him (Fri a.m. to Sun night) and he told me he was going to be out of town from that night (Thursday) until Saturday, so I might leave extra food for the cats. Then he said, "Have a safe trip," left for work, and I didn't see him for four days. I got in Sunday night and he was in bed with no sign of OW having been there at all, even though he told me he wasn't expecting me for some hours yet (the time he did actually have her in the house, he told me he was going to clean things up so I wouldn't find out right away, since he figured I would find out eventually, but he thought it would be better if it wasn't right afterward) (!!). Anyway, I saw later that he actually did go out of town this time, although he didn't come back until sometime midday Sunday...so maybe he has learned his lesson. I'm not holding my breath, though. Besides which, holding your breath is not a healthy practice.

Anyway, I'd love to lay down the law with him and tell him all the things he's doing that aren't acceptable, but I have felt all along that this course of action with him is not going to be to my advantage, tempting as it is. My pastor and my IC both encouraged me way back in November to give him a deadline for his "decision" about staying vs. going. I have a hard time bucking authority, so I wanted to follow their advice (in addition to feeling like the limbo I was in was almost worse than what he had actually done already), but I had read DR by then, and from that I gained the confidence to tell both of them that I really felt like God was telling me not to do that, and to let things unfold in their own time, without my pushing them. They both respected my decision and supported me in what I chose.

So...this is plenty long enough for now. Thanks again for posting to my thread, and I look forward to more postings!

Peace,
Dawn