and its not "pretty much" your fault. its 50/50. While you were controlling, in some ways, she LET you be controlling too. That's her fault for not speaking up when she needed to.
Listen, you know it was a subconscious thing to be controlling. But it's a conscious choice to be NOT controlling. You do have a choice here. Yeah it's tough, but believe she can forgive you. Show her that you've changed. don't just say it. Do it.
i wish i could tell you that i know the magic way to show our W's that we don't want to be controlling and won't be again. But i can't. I'm not sure how to do that. PErhaps a WAW could somehow enlighten us.....
Neil, just a quick comment regarding her not speaking up. A lot of women, me included, spoke up for years, & got beat down emotionally & verbally. I eventually gave up. I don't think a person is at fault for LETTING someone control them. I needed an OM, 2 different counselors, & a year of building up my self esteem, to not LET H control me.
The magic way to show you don't want to be controlling is through your answers & actions to her.
For example; when I ask H anything, his answer to me for the last few months has been "whatever you'd like". If I say what would you like for dinner, he says "whatever you fix would be great". My H used to be super super tight with money. I hated to take him anywhere with me because he'd tell me I couldn't buy something. We never shopped together because of this. Now he treats me like an adult & I decide if I think we need to buy something.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. He's been kissing my *ss for a long time now, but that's just the pendulum swinging. I expect it to settle in the middle sometime soon.
Identify the patterns in ways that you control. Ask W to make a list of your controlling behaviors. Get the book "Controlling People" or something like it. Let W see you reading it.
You can jump to my thread, tell me some behaviors, & I can tell you if they're controlling....if you want.
My H controlled everything from the a/c setting, to the purchasing of a house. He even told me when I could go to the bathroom when we were on a trip & driving. Un fricking believable. Now, he'd never get away with that. It's because I'm strong enough to stand up to him, & he knows it. Before, he knew he could do it, & I'd fold rather than fight back.
new & improved cookie
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
