For the Guy with kids and a WW 6

[hopeful4her]

Hey lodo, actually, I appreciated the link. One persons opinion, though. I can understand karens thoughts about it.

Sometimes we have to be realistic. Realism hit me Friday night.

I have a window to post right now.

I got home and roomie gets home about 45 minutes after me. I was going to try to be a little more relaxed that I have been. Maybe a LITTLE more talkative. I am making dinner and she is in room with girls. D11 is playing on the computer and D6 was just watching. We eat some dinner at the table and D6 is saying how momma is not going out after all. I look at roomie and she mentions how she WAS going to go out but changed her mind.

Later, she is being very quiet towards me. Acting very weird. Really short answers and looks. D6 asks her why she doesn't have friends over like D11. From the other room, I hear, "Soon you'll be having more friends. We'll be closer to town and school is coming soon. I go to the room and tell D6, "Not having friends over is not because of where we live. You do not call them and invite them. They also do not call them to invite them over". Roomie just glares. I finally ask her what the heck is going on with her. No answer. Just looks.

She starts to clean a bit. I am in living room with girls. She is cleaning near us and D11 asks her why she is not going out. "Because I changed my mind, OK?!" She give me a look again and says to me, "You have it so made!"

"What? What is that about? Look, I work just as hard as you."
I thought she was thinking that I was being lazy because I wasn't cleaning like her.

"They never question you. They never question what or where you are going!"

Aha! She is feeling guilty about her going out. They never question me because I'm always the one staying with them when she goes out. They know she goes out WAY more than me. One thing I know they can know. It was always us at home while she is going out. They'll always remember that.

I start to go at her, too. About how she is 180 degrees from where we were the past days prior. I mention the hug. How good we were doing. She says to talk about it later. We are in front of the girls. I go to the room. She comes a few minutes later.

"So you think that they hug the other day...."
I cut her off. I told her, "The hug was just nice. Thats all. I know it was nothing else, just nice! Friends, right? Friends?"

"And by the way, on Sunday, I know you told me you knew what you had to do, and that you just didn't know how to do it. I am sorry for making it sound like it would be so easy."

"What? I knew I had to do what?" Her memory sucks.

"What you said about Tom. Ending it. I apologize for making it sound like it was easy. I know it has to be hard. I didn't mean to make it sound like it was nothing."

"You have no idea!" She is now crying. Again. And pi**ed.

This started a conversation. She is all over the place. Back and forth. She can't wait to leave. August 2nd she threw at me at one point. I am asking her why she is the way she is with me. I have done nothing to deserve what she has been throwing at me. Her telling me she is just tired of it all. Back and forth. Why she has to be such a mean person.

"I was giving you my friendship, but you don't want it. You just don't want it!"

She just looks at me.

"What am I? Just someone in the middle?! Thats why you have to spew at me and just be a mean person."

"Yes. You are in the way of what I want. You just don't know me anymore."

"Because you don't let me know you anymore."

"Thats right. I don't let you." She goes and takes a frame off the wall. Our marriage prayer and various photos of us at our wedding. I take it from her and set it down by our bed. "Your gonna start taking all our pictures down, now?"

We are laying on our bed. She talks about how we got stuck in a rut. Cars not working. House seems like is falling apart.

"We did NOT get stuck in a rut. We had a lot of sh** thrown at us. You lost your job. You didn't work for a total of nearly 7 months. You think it got hard and you just want to run. Run from everything."
"I am not running. I am leaving to make a better life. For me and my girls. Everything is falling apart. You think I like seeing you drive that POS truck with no air and knowing how hot it is?"

"You are running from everything. And I why would you give a sh**. I didn't think you really gave a sh** about me anyway!"
"Well, I do."

While I am going through the past year, explaining, in my opinion, what happened to us, her aunt from Laredo calls. They are about 30 minutes away. We are going to have weekend company. Her and her son and his wife and thier 4 kids.

Great. I went totally dark on her. She catered a little. She talked to aunt that whole night. I could hear them. They could tell something was wrong.

We had a good weekend. Aunt tried to sneak a little of thier conversation to me. Her cousin is upset with her, like the aunt.

I know aunt tried to defend me.

I realized Friday night that I just passed an anniversary this past week. It has been a year that roomie lost that job.

It has been a year that the wife that I married died. She is dead to me. I do not want to be married to this woman that took her place anymore. I am still dark. I answer her if she asks me something. I want her to leave. I really do.

I believe that we are done.

Not sure if anymore conversation will take place tonight. If she wants to talk, I will talk. If not, then it is just about me and my kids.

We all watched Joel Osteen this morning. Being overcomers. Not running from problems. God can change anything. Turn anything around. If you live in faith. Even when you make wrong decisions, do the wrong things. Live in faith and he can heal. Told the story of Jonah. God still saved him and he became an overcomer.

I heard it. I hope she did, too.

But I have to keep reminding myself. She is probably still deaf.