Anyway, I'm sorry if the link I posted to Kat shook you up. I thought it was at least a little bit more realistic than DB tends to be. For the longest time I just focused on DB and thought for SURE it'd work out because I was so committed. Boy did I have the rose-colored glasses on! Anyway, we HAVE to try and make things work, but I think we need to be realistic too - and that all leads to what MWD writes anyway, focus on yourself but don't close the door.
Hope you're doing okay - lodo
Lodo, I had the same reaction to that link--pretty depressing for me too. I think MWD might be a little too optimistic sometimes, but that link was maybe a little overly negative maybe--maybe a view for something in the middle would be good; I do think a lot of our R's have a 50/50 chance probably (not mine maybe but others I read about here) and MWD would make you think you have better chances than 50/50, and that link probably way lower chance than 50/50 I think. I appreciated the link, but it was a little too negative I think. At least a little? Karen
Well, you're entitled to your opinion. I thought it was realistic. It says you have to try, but when your spouse just pretends to be committed, never really tries to make things work, isn't understanding - well, why sell your soul to that? Why sacrifice yourself? You shouldn't. You should focus on yourself and be happy. And if that inspires your spouse to re-evaluate, to recommit, to become interested in trying again, great! But that isn't the norm.
The point is to not lose yourself in pursuing an estranged spouse. You're worth more than that.
The point is to not lose yourself in pursuing an estranged spouse. You're worth more than that.
IMO. lodo
I agree with not losing yourself or the bargaining parts of the article, but I do think it is a little more negative than reality. She says"it is very rare that you can recapture what you had before a separation or divorce and go back to when things were better.". But I know several couples that the spouses have had affairs and separated and yet now are happily married again. I know of a couple in town that got divorced and then remarried. Yes, some spouses won't come back but some do and it is impossible to know which it is I think.
Also, that article says several times how it is impossible for the H to change and their ingrained patterns, etc. Well, I don't believe that. I believe that anyone can change, I know I've changed during this process, and I think that is very black/white thinking to think our WAS, or anyone for that matter, cannot change. I think the person writing that is maybe still a bit anger/bitter about their divorce; maybe you are too at this point? Karen
Hey lodo, actually, I appreciated the link. One persons opinion, though. I can understand karens thoughts about it.
Sometimes we have to be realistic. Realism hit me Friday night.
I have a window to post right now.
I got home and roomie gets home about 45 minutes after me. I was going to try to be a little more relaxed that I have been. Maybe a LITTLE more talkative. I am making dinner and she is in room with girls. D11 is playing on the computer and D6 was just watching. We eat some dinner at the table and D6 is saying how momma is not going out after all. I look at roomie and she mentions how she WAS going to go out but changed her mind.
Later, she is being very quiet towards me. Acting very weird. Really short answers and looks. D6 asks her why she doesn't have friends over like D11. From the other room, I hear, "Soon you'll be having more friends. We'll be closer to town and school is coming soon. I go to the room and tell D6, "Not having friends over is not because of where we live. You do not call them and invite them. They also do not call them to invite them over". Roomie just glares. I finally ask her what the heck is going on with her. No answer. Just looks.
She starts to clean a bit. I am in living room with girls. She is cleaning near us and D11 asks her why she is not going out. "Because I changed my mind, OK?!" She give me a look again and says to me, "You have it so made!"
"What? What is that about? Look, I work just as hard as you." I thought she was thinking that I was being lazy because I wasn't cleaning like her.
"They never question you. They never question what or where you are going!"
Aha! She is feeling guilty about her going out. They never question me because I'm always the one staying with them when she goes out. They know she goes out WAY more than me. One thing I know they can know. It was always us at home while she is going out. They'll always remember that.
I start to go at her, too. About how she is 180 degrees from where we were the past days prior. I mention the hug. How good we were doing. She says to talk about it later. We are in front of the girls. I go to the room. She comes a few minutes later.
"So you think that they hug the other day...." I cut her off. I told her, "The hug was just nice. Thats all. I know it was nothing else, just nice! Friends, right? Friends?"
"And by the way, on Sunday, I know you told me you knew what you had to do, and that you just didn't know how to do it. I am sorry for making it sound like it would be so easy."
"What? I knew I had to do what?" Her memory sucks.
"What you said about Tom. Ending it. I apologize for making it sound like it was easy. I know it has to be hard. I didn't mean to make it sound like it was nothing."
"You have no idea!" She is now crying. Again. And pi**ed.
This started a conversation. She is all over the place. Back and forth. She can't wait to leave. August 2nd she threw at me at one point. I am asking her why she is the way she is with me. I have done nothing to deserve what she has been throwing at me. Her telling me she is just tired of it all. Back and forth. Why she has to be such a mean person.
"I was giving you my friendship, but you don't want it. You just don't want it!"
She just looks at me.
"What am I? Just someone in the middle?! Thats why you have to spew at me and just be a mean person."
"Yes. You are in the way of what I want. You just don't know me anymore."
"Because you don't let me know you anymore."
"Thats right. I don't let you." She goes and takes a frame off the wall. Our marriage prayer and various photos of us at our wedding. I take it from her and set it down by our bed. "Your gonna start taking all our pictures down, now?"
We are laying on our bed. She talks about how we got stuck in a rut. Cars not working. House seems like is falling apart.
"We did NOT get stuck in a rut. We had a lot of sh** thrown at us. You lost your job. You didn't work for a total of nearly 7 months. You think it got hard and you just want to run. Run from everything." "I am not running. I am leaving to make a better life. For me and my girls. Everything is falling apart. You think I like seeing you drive that POS truck with no air and knowing how hot it is?"
"You are running from everything. And I why would you give a sh**. I didn't think you really gave a sh** about me anyway!" "Well, I do."
While I am going through the past year, explaining, in my opinion, what happened to us, her aunt from Laredo calls. They are about 30 minutes away. We are going to have weekend company. Her and her son and his wife and thier 4 kids.
Great. I went totally dark on her. She catered a little. She talked to aunt that whole night. I could hear them. They could tell something was wrong.
We had a good weekend. Aunt tried to sneak a little of thier conversation to me. Her cousin is upset with her, like the aunt.
I know aunt tried to defend me.
I realized Friday night that I just passed an anniversary this past week. It has been a year that roomie lost that job.
It has been a year that the wife that I married died. She is dead to me. I do not want to be married to this woman that took her place anymore. I am still dark. I answer her if she asks me something. I want her to leave. I really do.
I believe that we are done.
Not sure if anymore conversation will take place tonight. If she wants to talk, I will talk. If not, then it is just about me and my kids.
We all watched Joel Osteen this morning. Being overcomers. Not running from problems. God can change anything. Turn anything around. If you live in faith. Even when you make wrong decisions, do the wrong things. Live in faith and he can heal. Told the story of Jonah. God still saved him and he became an overcomer.
I heard it. I hope she did, too.
But I have to keep reminding myself. She is probably still deaf.
Last edited by hopeful4her; 07/13/0810:57 PM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I guess my plan is to pull my friendship. If she wants it, she is going to have to earn it. I am protecting my heart, now. I really feel anger towards her. Not showing it. I am being dark, but not mean. No friends anymore. That is just sad. She had it all. I was a great best friend to her. Even if our marriage wasn't going to make it, I was still going to give it to her. Stupidly. I have been hit with the reality stick by her.
At one point, when I was asking her why she was treating me so ugly, she mentioned the she had to protect her heart from me, so that I didn't crumble it up and let it fall through my fingers. She even did the whole motion with her hands. Crumbling and falling through her fingers.
I told that I never, ever did that to her. I cupped my hands together, and emotionally told her, "I always held your heart right here. I cherished it. I never crumbled it. I may have made some mistakes as a husband, but I always cherished your heart."
That was when her aunt called.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I wish I had the words to make it all better, but I don't. It has been difficult to watch at times, how much of yourself you have given to this alien that poses as your wife.
You have seen it in my situation and now you see it in your own. We will always have love for our spouses even after we have moved on but we have to decide when enough is enough. I think I knew but July 3rd will be the date etched in my mind for me.
My thoughts are with you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat, I really thought we could make it. I really did.
But I guess we all do.
I was thinking that I am giving up hope, but I am just dropping my rope, not my hope.
Hey Jeff, a poem there, somewhere?
If given a chance or at least an opportunity, I will have to try, also, for my kids.
It will be up to her now. I am taking myself away from her. As much as I can while she is here, anyway.
Thank you for your thoughts. I am surprisingly calm about it. If she comes around, then who knows. I am no longer going to try, but like lodo mentioned, also not close the door, I guess.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
One thing... I notice that often times you don't finish conversations.....either something happens to stop them, or you cut them off. My recommendation to you is to talk it all the way through once and for all. Don't do the "head game" thing of "now I am going to do this and see what she does". Talk it all the way out, let both of you talk and try to listen. When it gets to the end, tell her you want her to leave the OM to try with the marriage once and for all (everything- retro, books, everything), and if she cannot then you cannot be her "friend" right now.
I see my H in some ways in you. He avoided conflict when he needed to NOT avoid conflict.
