Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[cw68]

I also just hit "new posts" and never have paid attention to the actual forums so moving wasn't a huge deal to me.

We had another marriage counseling session yesterday. She's amazing. She really called exactly what happened in our M. When I was talking about how unfair I think this whole thing is with the kids she told us both that I will never be OK with it. Never. But that the anger would lessen. That the pain won't be as sharp.

I really hope it happens soon because I'm so sick of the pain.

[houndfan]

CW -

Been out of pocket for sometime traveling abroad for work.... whats the scoop?

[cw68]

We're done. H is waaay gone, cannot come back. I've accepted that we are getting divorced, but am still very angry and in a lot of pain. I just can't understand how he could do this to his kids and to me.

[Kalni]

Hey cw,
how are you doing? I hate it that you are still in so much pain. Anger & pain mean your heart loves too much still. I am sorry. You asked me to remind you from time to time: things will get better, much better soon. They will, trust me.
Love
K

[cw68]

My heart does love too much. I do still love the man I married. My H isn't the man I married, though. He has changed and I couldn't ever love him again now that I know the real man he has become. I love my family, I love the life we were supposed to make together. I miss it. Today I started packing and I'm running into all these reminders of our plans, our old love. The plate we bought when we went out to SF before moving there together. The aqua bottle of wine H bought while in Tahiti on our honeymoon. He never planned on drinking it, just thought it was "pretty" and wanted the visual reminder of our trip.

I just want THAT back. When the world was our oyster and we were full of possibilities.

I won't ever be that carefree again. That naive. That innocent.

This is my second marriage, so I know the stages. I ended the first marriage because my ex is an alcoholic and had drug use issues. But we didn't have kids. We didn't make a life together, a family together. I really thought I'd never get divorced again. I really thought I picked someone who also didn't believe in it. It was all a farce and I don't think I can ever trust my heart again.

That's why I'm full of anger and pain.

[Reincarnated]

c--
I know that pain. It does get better; there will come a time when you ask yourself, What was I thinking?! I had read this advice over and over, and thought, "ok, that may be the way it was for all of you, but I will never be able to get past this...."

and, then I did.

You will get there, in your own good time, according to your own path of the heart.

It is a journey that none of us ever dreamed we would have to travel, or realized would be so painful. Words can't really express what we have all gone through, and I don't think the WASs could ever understand exactly what it is that they have done.

But trust that you will be strengthened beyond what you ever considered possible. And that you will make your life happy again.

Be well,
D

[MichelleLT]

(((cw)))

I still have some bitterness as well. I still don't understand how we could go from H saying that there was nothing we couldn't work out to an impending D in less than 2 years.

But life is about making the best of things. And we will get to better places.

Just hang in there.

[Kalni]

Hey cw,
how are you? I've been thinking about you a lot. I have this image of your smile in my head from your profile picture. Don't waste that my friend. Just as I said to Ali, there are more ways that one to lead to hapiness...
K

[cw68]

Hi all. Just checking in. Things really had not been going well for the past few weeks. I was really angry. Then H got angry at me and has been acting like the biggest baby! That HE needed space from me. Friends say it's because he/our relationship isn't my focus anymore and he misses and expects that attention.

I'm so done it's amazing. My H isn't half of the man I married. I went away last weekend and came home Sunday evening really excited to see my kids. They weren't here. Called H, he was planning on having them for the night without even talking to me about it! "Well, I had them Sunday night the last weekend I had them, I just thought that was the plan from now on." I reminded him that that weekend was the weekend after my NYC trip and a holiday weekend. This just pushed me completely over the edge regarding our R. I was pretty much over it anyway and this just did it.

There's just so much I could be posting about, but can't spend the time. Tomorrow I get my new rental home and will be completely moved out of this house by next Tuesday. The resume is done and I'm starting to send it out. I actually have opened myself up to dating and had a most wonderful date last weekend. After spending most of a year trying to get my own husband to like me, it was very good for the ego to have someone like me and go out of their way to make me feel good. I know, be careful, etc. I understand that. But at the same time, this has been going on for a year. I need to mentally move forward in my heart and not having H be the man in my life is part of that. Not that I have to replace him with another man, but that spot has to be empty of all my H's grips on my soul.

D7 broke her arm yesterday. Not a bad break, but it broke my heart that I didn't get to comfort her last night. Still very angry that my H is taking my kids away from me half the time and taking one of their parents from them 100% of the time. My T says I'll probably never like it and she's right.

Because of this, I know I'll never be able to forgive my H for his actions. I can accept them, and move on, but I am not capable of that forgiveness.

[cw68]

Big step tomorrow: I get my rental house. I'll move furniture tomorrow and then be completely out by Tuesday. Very emotional time. This week marked one year ago that H came home from work one day to say he wanted a divorce and blew me out of the water. One whole year. I'm so tired and I'm so done, I just want to skip ahead six months to a year.

If three years ago someone would have told me that I'd now be a single mom living in a gated community in the suburbs, I would have had them committed. My, how life can change.