Meeting WAS for first time. Any advice?

[MaxP]

Hi,

My WAW and I have finally got to the point where we are both in sync about being 'ok' about meeting up. We separated a year ago and had only 4, what felt like pretty poor meetings after separating. At the last of these, she declared our R was over as 'it no longer felt right' to her. That was 8 months ago and we haven't met since that night. At various times I have rejected meeting when see has asked - too angry about learning of the probable OM - and at other times she had pushed any proposed meeting back, but never rejected the idea outright.

We are on the verge of sorting out the last of the financial issues (the house), but cannot start divorce proceedings for another year. All our interactions have been remarkably fine since the split and sorting things out has gone very smoothly. That's I guess because we've both worked hard not to direct any strong emotions at each other. Communication has been mainly via email, but the frequency of that has now dropped away significantly.

So, that's the background.

Now that we have agreed to meet, I wondered how to best to handle things. Somewhere neutral I guess. She said meeting at our house would be too 'uncomfortable' - which was a relief as that is what she kept arranging during our separation which I hated. I think there was probably always the thought of the OM in the picture for her. I presume she is with someone, but don't really know as I know very little about her life now.

I've always felt that it would be sensless to spend 10 years of your life with someone and then let that go completely (however tempting). So, it would be good to see if there is the basis for a friendship there at least. I have no idea about anything else. I also have little idea how I might react to her. I feel that there are still some emotions lurking below the surface for me, but I don't know how they breakdown. I'm slightly scared of how I might react to the situation. I guess she will be too. I always felt she never once gave me a chance after the bomb and that hurt.

Thanks for listening.

Max

[christarn]

Hi Max...sorry you are "here" but welcome. I am a WAW, who is trying to work out my sitch...so I will just give you my perspective. I didn't have OM....so that is one BIG difference in our sitchs...keep that in mind, because it factors in.

I would 100% meet somewhere mutual...barnes and noble or starbucks would be a good place. It works two fold, you won't be able to get "loud", and it is not an "emotional" place...thus keeping "drama" to a minimum....she will not want drama...you do not need drama...positives for both of you.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT talk about the R or M or hopes/dreams of it working out...how do I know this...read my thread...I have made oh so many mistakes and set myself back one too many times by doing this....please learn from my mistakes.

She thinks the grass will be greener on the other side...plant the seeds...lots of them...so she will see...there is just more to mow!

I learned...I learned the hard way.

Stay calm, for every action there is a reaction...keep your reactions calm, and cool....if the conversation starts to go somewhere you are not prepared for, have an "out"...before you even start talking...have your out planned...conversation starts to go south...you are prepared.

take care, good luck...this...this place is a hard place to be...take care of yourself.

(((max))...that's a virtual hug!!
christarn

[MaxP]

Thanks Christarn,

Good advice about having an 'out'. I have no desire to get emotional, but there again I guess most people don't. Sometimes emotions appear without you expecting them. Since I've never vented at her since she finally finished things, despite learning of the probable (not confirmed) OM, I just don't know whether I've managed to deal with everything in my mind. Clearly seeing someone after such a long time will be emotional - it just needs to be friendly and controlled.

I also have no desire to discuss the relationship. It doesn't generally get you anywhere that's worth going. To be honest, there are many reasons why our having a relationship again just won't work and I've been moving along the path away from her to other potential relationships for a long time now (there are possibilities). Although it was hard, she never acted as if she wanted anything but out after the bomb. I knew as soon as she said it our chances were very slim. For her, anything like that would be going backwards, a mistake and an admission of failure. Something she just won't do, even if it's makes sense otherwise. Although I hate to use the term, she's been the perfect 'ice queen' towards me for a long time. It's nice to be out in the sun again.

I will do my best to stay calm and be perfectly friendly. I'd also like to say something that might put us a bit more at ease - but is not R based. To be honest, since we never talk about us, it's difficult to get any insight into how she's been since. She did once mention on the phone that she had been to a family get together and that someone had a photo of a previous get together with them. She started to cry when telling me this because she mentioned I was in the photo and an uncle of her's whom she was close to who died just before we split - and we were obvoiusly missing. This is the only time I've encountered any emotion from her since we separated, but I believe it has far more to do with her uncle than me, sadly. He was a really nice guy and she took his death badly.

I will always care about her and look out for her. I still feel something, but I think it's lost love, not love.

Thanks for the virtual hugs. Some days I really need them.

How is your sitch? Do you want to reconcile? Is your H throwing your behaviour back at you?

Max

[christarn]

"Thanks for the virtual hugs. Some days I really need them."

no problem, maxp, there are days i need them as well!

death compounds this sitch two fold...both of my parents past before H and I were married...I don't think I had even started my grieving process...their death played into our R/M hugely....I expected my H to treat me like my dad treated me, that was unfair to him (H)

"How is your sitch? Do you want to reconcile? Is your H throwing your behaviour back at you?"

my sitch, is a "crazy mess!!" I want to reconcile, he wants to one minute, the next he wants a D....yes he throws all of this in my face...all of this is my fault, we wouldn't be "here" if I wouldn't have walked, I have no one to blame but myself, he brings up events that happend years before we were married...i just hold on tight, because i never know where the rollar coaster is going to take me next! yes, I do want to reconcile, will I wait forever, good question, had someone said last year at this time we would be further away from working things out this year at this time, I would have probably said, hand over the papers...but here I am today...standing strong, with hope that with God anything is possible.

Your sitch hit the fan about the same time mine did. you understand the waiting thing. My H says he can't afford atty, I would drown him BS paper work....even though he has an atty on retainer...that makes no sense to me?

when are you meeting?

christa

[MaxP]

Hi christarn, thanks for the reply.

One thing that people do say can precipitate a sudden change in an R are unresolved issues surrounding a death. As you mention, that may be a factor in your R. I wonder how much it affected my W when her uncle died. She started talking less and less to me and saying some odd stuff and I think started talking more and more to her friends. They became more the kind of people she felt she had things in common with and I became less so in her eyes. It's hard when your wife / best friend decides to confide in others, not you.

I was just reading up on your sitch. Hopefully I might gain some insights there too and have something I can pass on. The one strange thing about my W is that she hasn't given me a rollercoaster, in terms of changes of direction. It's been point the train away from me and full steam ahead, don't even look back to wave. So much so that I'm slowly getting involved in another R, but that's making me nervous.

One of the saddest nails in our R is that we've separated at a time when we should be having kids. We did try, but she never really wanted them. I was the one who changed my mind and then back again because I could see she was uncomfortable and I was too nervous about becoming a parent. I'm terrible at making decisions - I think too much. I can't see that issue ever being resolved now, so it gives everything some kind of finality, no matter how much I still feel for her. So sad.

There is so much fallout from this process. Emotional, financial (right now), for me there's been some career stuff, loss of friends, loss of a future, loneliness, feeling like a failure - but also positives to do with reconnecting and learning about how to behave and what you want. The price of those things needn't be so high though.

Max

I need to contact her about setting a date and venue. I should do that next week,

[MaxP]

Well, I've just emailed her to suggest some dates. I said we could go for a drink somewhere or perhaps even a walk. I've left it fairly open. We haven't had any contact now for about 3 weeks, so will be interesting to see how quickly she comes back.

Max

[MaxP]

Erm, I meant 'comes back' in terms of a reply to my email, not in the WAW sense!

[christarn]

MaxP~


"One thing that people do say can precipitate a sudden change in an R are unresolved issues surrounding a death. As you mention, that may be a factor in your R. I wonder how much it affected my W when her uncle died. She started talking less and less to me and saying some odd stuff and I think started talking more and more to her friends. They became more the kind of people she felt she had things in common with and I became less so in her eyes. It's hard when your wife / best friend decides to confide in others, not you."

I did the exact same thing to my H toward the end of our R...I felt like he didn't care....it had been two years since my dad died and 6 for my mother...he made me feel like I should have been "over" it was such a hard time in my life...I look back in retrospect; the mean angry monster as I refer to myself is who I was during that time....I had so much anger....anger within myself...I was grieving...still am...and I felt as if he didn't comprehend what i was going thru and was not there for me emotionally....it just plain sucked....but most of it was just my depression...which i'm being treated for now....I guess what I'm getting at, is your W may have some issues regarding her uncle's death that she has not dealt with, she may have some underlying issues within herself...just my 2 cents....


I feel your pain on the children...everyone around me is having children...I hate it...I tell everyone I will be 65 when I have my first child...it will be some type of miracle! I joke about it..but inside, I hate it...when we were first starting to have issues, H was ready, I wasn't...I was going to school...working FT, it wasn't the "right" time...crazy how life works...I guess God knew where we were going, glad I didn't have a child to put threw this.

"There is so much fallout from this process. Emotional, financial (right now), for me there's been some career stuff, loss of friends, loss of a future, loneliness, feeling like a failure - but also positives to do with reconnecting and learning about how to behave and what you want. The price of those things needn't be so high though."

I also feel your pain on this as well. I miss so many of our friends. I feel like they are stuck in the middle! The price is sooooo high. I just wish My H would see it...he is sooooo angry, I wish there was something I could do to help him get past his anger....but that is something he has to do on his own.

I'm happy to help if I can...this forum is pretty unique...let me know! There used to be a couple more WAW's on here, I don't know where they disappeared to...I will try my best to answer what I can!!


take care
christa

[MaxP]

Christa,

Death is a very personal thing and can affect us in many different ways. Like relationships, we may think we have dealt with the issues surrounding these events, but not realise that we are living with the effects.

I met my W soon after the death of her mother and was amazed at how little she seemed to be affected by it (I lost mine when I was 18, same cause). She is an only child of elderly parents and her ability to grieve openly for her mother was stifled. When her uncle died, also of the same thing, she seemed far more determined to handle it her own way. She certainly had issues she needed to deal with, some of the comments she used to make were troubling enough for me to recommend her go to couselling (things like 'I am such a bad person'). Ironically, I wonder whether the issues that came up there hardened her belief to leave. I became perceived as a person who was incompatible with who she felt she had become (or was). Later of course, 'we' were viewed as never having been right for each other. Nice.

The children issue is hard too. I am still unsure of how I feel about children, but know that on balance I want a family. This was a change for me. However, I find myself starting that whole process again, at what feels like an awkward age. What makes it harder is that most friends and family members now have young families of their own. I sometimes wonder how I got here when everyone else seemed to make it. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for. You shouldn't worry, you are still very young. Things will happen when they are right. At least neither of us have kids in this sitch. That is a blessing.

Most of the people we used to socialise with were her friends. So when she finally left, many of the people I knew well in the area 'went' with her. Some even congratulated her on having the strength to leave, which I felt was completely insulting to me. One thing this has shown is how it's easy to neglect friendships, something I need to pay more attention to. The trouble is, in forging new friendships I am finding that those with women prove hardest, since often these have the potential to be new Rs which clearly complicates things.

I'm slowly making my way through the backlog of your threads! It seems like your H is slowly coming round. He clearly is carrying a lot of anger, which is no surprise. Rebuilding that trust will be very hard. He will be scared that you will go again, just when he feels settled. He may be scared that he will never feel totally at ease in your R again. He may feel that what was once good has been made impossible through your actions and be blaming you for that loss. One thing I think that is very important is that you both give yourselves time for certain feelings to be aired before you attempt to build something better. Think of the negative emotions as the poison being drained from an infected wound. It is necessary for survival and eventual renewed health.

Finally, thanks for looking in. Even though I feel my R has passed, it still really helps to talk sometimes.

Max

[christarn]

Max~

Thanks for the LBS perspective as well. I like the wound inference, great analogy for a nurse I wish there was something I could do to help my H decompress his anger. He does really good, then will just blow. I'm not sure where you are in reading my thread...we were doing a lot of stuff together...that all stopped in Jan/Feb of this year...he had stopped calling/texting...then got better...now has stopped that...then we had a major blow up last week; he said wanted to move forward with the D, and I needed to get over any idea of "us" working out, the only reason he hadn't moved forward was money or lack there of, and the list went on.....maybe you being a LBS could try to explain something for me....each of us have atty's on retainer, we put our D on hold May of 07, money is a factor as I invested a large amount of money in our home...that being said, why, if he truly wanted a D, hasn't he went to his atty and went forward? He works, could afford the costs for atty, and enough time has past I would not put up a fight....the only fight I want is the fight for my M.

All of that being said....I have learned a couple of things throughout this process...one, I have lost two people I loved, and do not want to lose a third....so I want to fight to restore/rebuild my R/M...but not like the one I left...a better one. 2. I could never leave again, I know words are just words, and people are judged by their history....although living on my own has been a huge learning experience...I miss coming home to him...I just plain miss him...lesson learned....3. he has the best quality in a father i could ever look for to have children with....he knew my parents...and can help me pass on memories of them to my children...no man will ever be able to possess that quality, except him; I never thought of that during the mean angry monster phase. 4. In a M, we comes before me...nuf said!!

So enough about me....are you sure your R/M is really over? Are you spiritual/religious...nosey question I know, but I have found that my faith has grown stronger during this time...and I have found some great resources out there that have helped me...if you are interested.

I hope no matter what decision you make, you find peace within yourself...that is what "this" is all about.

Have you decided when/where you are going to meet W?

take care

christa