The week flew by. I was so busy with work and the kids that I really didn't have time to think of H. I didn't hear much from H during the week. He called me friday at work to check in and see what was going on.
I found out (I really can't say how...in case he found me here again) that he spent our anniversary at a hotel. It wasn't via snooping but unfortunately this info fell into my lap. It makes me ill....Why is he spending father's day, our anniversary...important days in a hotel with MOW (or whoever). It is so sad.
Not to mention the fact that he is spending hundreds of dollars on hotel rooms and I am struggling to put food on the table for the kids. My father had to buy us groceries this week. It makes me feel so awful.
So, I guess he is medicating his depression. Still in replay. And the withdrawal....well that is perhaps time he is spending in contact with someone else. I know....analizing too much.
He came by for a little bit yesterday. D13 and I were by the pool relaxing. He came and sat in the corner of our pool patio in the shade. He fell asleep sitting up in the chair. He didn't have much to say while he was here. He kept looking around at things in the yard and by the pool.
I had to wonder if he was thinking of the good times we had by the pool or if he was feeling guilty because d13 loves the house and pool and he is trying to sell it. Who knows.
I am bracing myself though. When things are going well for him and MOW...I know she pushes him to do thing...i.e. the sale of the house; filing the D papers, etc. I know my H too well. He does nothing like that on his own...he need someone to tell him what to do.
So, I have vented my thoughts and feelings here. I hope that that will keep them out of my head.D13 is having a friend over today and I want to get some stuff done. H won't be by as he said he is bartending I private party. Probably a lie. He said he wouldn't see d13 at all today. If he was truly working he would have stopped by before or after to see her. Especially since he won't see her next weekend as he is working and she has a softball tourny.
Whatever.
Thanks for letting me vent. I am truly getting so sick of this. A
A, You really are assuming way too much these days. First, you don't know your h while he's in crisis. They become someone totally different (mirror image). Second, the MOW may not be pushing him to do anything, this may be all him. Third, you are giving the MOW far too much credit for the things that your h is doing while in crisis. Fourth, he may have spent time in hotel/motel rooms on those special days because he can't face you and the family, nor face that dreadful room he stays in. He wanted a change of scenery to make himself feel better. Are you even sure she was w/him? Do you have proof? If not, please don't assume anything until you have the proof sitting in front of you in black and white.
Yes, your h is looking around at the yard and everything else that is familiar w/him. He's lost a lot during this time and they have to sit and look at things to be reminded of what they've lost. It's like a child holding on to mom's apron string. It's their last hold on to what was familiar before going full force into the unknown.
You are still expecting him to do certain things. Toss that expectation out the window. How often do we talk about keeping expectations at zero? You can't expect him to do things the way he use to. He's gone, he's lost and he's very depressed. You need to stop expecting him to do things because all it does is disappoint and frustrate you. Expectations at zero and when he does do something nice, be surprised and enjoy those surprises.
You are still giving the MOW far too much of your head space. Let it go, keep the focus on you and your children. You and the children need to let him go totally in order for him to complete his journey. Plan activities around your little family's schedule, not your h's. Pretend his gone to Mars for a while and when he does appear, it's a postcard from ET.
Keep the faith and allow God to work this out. Instead of giving it all to God, you continue to snatch it back for analyzing. There is no rhyme or reason for what he's doing or thinking because he's depressed and depressed people do not think or react to things the way normal, functional people do.
Have you done any additional reading on depression? You should. The answers are all there...describing his behavior, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I needed you to get me back on track. I was just so angry. Not that he was with MOW or whatever (well a little bit)...it is the fact that he is spending hundreds of dollars (and yes i know this for sure) on hotel rooms and I am struggling to feed my kids. He is selling our home because he says he can't afford it yet he can afford hotels. It just really got me angry yesterday.
My H used to be the most honest person. Now all he does is lie. It is so sad. Lie to me. Lie to d13. To everyone. I just don't know how he lives with himself. I have to wonder if guilt is eating him up inside or if he is content in thinking he is fooling me. Little does he know....
You are right though. I am giving him and MOW too much head space. It just hurts that he takes time away from d13 to be with her. Then he complains he never gets to see d13 since she is in camp all day. Oh well. I won't feel sorry for him any more.
As for me and the kids...we are a tight little family. H is too far gone for me to think of him as a member. It feels like he is the uncle who comes in every now and then for a visit. It is very strange. I really do need to detach more. I don't think my H will ever return. He will never admit he was wrong and never be able to do the work to fix this. He is too afraid to face it.
The mask is on for H right now. He is really medicating with something since he doesn't seem to be too low right now. He seems to be ok. Part of me sometimes questions how depressed he really is. Even his sisters say he is a master manipulator and always has been.
Snodderly, are there any articles or readings you can point me too regarding depression?
I promise, I will behave. Thank you for your help.
Under the MLC Resources thread, I created a listing of books on the various MLC related books that I felt were excellent. Other posters added to them. The thread is called "Highly Recommended Reading Materials". There are a number of good books on depression there.
Each and every symptom that you've described reeks of depression at its finest. This isn't about you, the children or the relationship that you had...it's all about him and until he either seeks and follows the doctor's orders or hits bottom, he's going to be floundering in that sea of depression. It's really very important that you step back from it all and just let him drift until he hits that big wave that will knock him over the edge and back to reality.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tried to find the Recommended Reading material link but it doesn't seem to be working right now.
Anyway, just journaling (trying not to analize): Received several tm's during the day tuesday from H. Small talk.
Today, the same. I was running out at lunch and going to the bank near his parent's house where he is living. After I picked up a sandwich I stopped quickly to see him so we could discuss money for s16's upcoming trip.
I arrived to find H laying face down on a lounge chair with his skin tight boxer briefs rolled down so his bum could tan. You would think he was 16 himself. I just had to chuckle to myself. He is obsessed with his weight, his working out, etc. Snodderly, is this part of depression or replay or both??
Anyway, I talked to him for a few minutes. He told me how bad things are at work and he is worried the restaurant may close. He said he applied at a couple of other bars but he was too old for the jobs (that is why he thinks he was rejected).
I truly think he is worried about his employment.....but he has to realize that bartending is a job for college students. Hot young kids who can make killer tips on their looks. Not for a middle aged man .....going through MLC. He says he loves bartending and that was what he was meant to do...I have news for him, when you have a family to support, you take a job where you can make money.
I don't love my job. I would prefer to be doing something else. I do it for the money and the benefits. For my kids, they will have a free college education. I have sacrificed my dream job for them. I am not trying to be a martyr but this so clearly points to the MLC BS of it's all about them.
So, my H is self medicating with another woman, in a job that he is going no where with and has no ambition to find something else, he is obsessed with working out and how he looks. Are these the signs of depression you are seeing Snodderly? Am I missing something?
If you were to look at him, he is back to when he is 17 years old again. Back in high school, my h went from girl to girl. Sleeping with anything and everything. Drinking, drugs, long hair. He is reliving the life he had at that age. I wish he would grow up.
So, I am moving forward. I look at him and see nothing but a shattered man who is trying to be 17 again. I need to take care of my kids and worry only about them. My h is so far gone I have to wonder why i bother standing. He will never do the work to fix this or himself.
A, You answered your own question--replay and depression are both playing out. You have to remember, it's not step 1, step 2, etc. They can bounced through all of the stages except acceptance and back again. They all play out while he's reliving his youth. He's really nuts--sunning his rump like that. I wonder if he's having any problems since he's wearing skin tight boxers!
He really is trying to recapture the youth of old, but it's not going to happen. I'm right there with you--he needs a job that pay good money. Bartending isn't very good w/a family and responsibilities. He'll learn, but hopefully not at your expense!
Take care of yourself and try to enjoy the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I arrived to find H laying face down on a lounge chair with his skin tight boxer briefs rolled down so his bum could tan. You would think he was 16 himself. I just had to chuckle to myself.
Sorry, but that made more than chuckle! That image is too funny!
Quote:
If you were to look at him, he is back to when he is 17 years old again. Back in high school, my h went from girl to girl. Sleeping with anything and everything. Drinking, drugs, long hair. He is reliving the life he had at that age. I wish he would grow up.
See my H is also acting like he is back in the high school stage. IMP says that my H is not in MLC he is just reverting back to his old self before we got married. But isn't reverting back part of MLC? Maybe Snodderly can answer that.
A, I am sorry you are struggling also. I do hope that we all find peace.
Yes, reverting back is all part of that "one more time" mlc thing. It's not about purchasing a sports car, or wearing the shirt unbuttoned to the navel, etc., it's about going back and trying to fill in the gaps of the path that they didn't take. They are still searching for something that stunted their growth so long ago. So, yes, they all revert back when they are in this type of crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly....I definately see my H reverting back. You are so right. I guess until he fulfills what he is missing he will be out there....and he sure is out there.
Today he tm'd me asking if I could stop by on my lunch hour so he can give me money for s16 to take with him tomorrow on his trip. I agreed to....since i really need the money for s16 and d13 told me when her dad gave her a few dollars to shop with on sunday he had a huge wad of cash.
Anyway, I knock on the door to his cave (the basement of his parent's house which is so musty...yuck) he answers in tight spandex workout clothes. All sweaty from his workout that he is so obsessed with.
He gave me the money and we sat outside for a few minutes to talk. In one breath he tells me that the restaurant may close because business is bad and he wishes he could give me more but he is short....and in the next breath he tells me he may go away to Atlantic City for the day in August.
I guess I wasn't thinking when he told me but out of my mouth came "I hope you enjoy yourselves." I did not say this intentionally. In fact I really am trying to put MOW out of my mind. His response to me was "don't assume I am going with anyone." Sorry, but he would never go away like this alone. Not on a day he could spend with d13 and he would never spend the money on himself.
The more I thought about what he said the more I truly believe these MLCers can't tell the truth. Honestly, I was not fishing for anything or looking to bust chops, I was more or less stunned because he can tell me he is broke in one breath than tell me he may go away in the next and I just blurted it out. Not mean. Not snide. Just not thinking.
H also told me that he has been having nightmares. He said the one he had last night involved his brother (the one he has not spoken to since this started because his brother told him how stupid he is ...and his brother and s16 are close) and d13. I didn't ask for details.
He did proceed to go into his speal about how he hasn't spoken to his brother and doesn't care if he ever does. I thought in my head that this is how s16 feels about H. Hasn't really spoken to him since he has been gone and doesn't care right now if he does.
H knows that his brother was right. Can't admit how he totally screwed up his life....so it is easier to move on than to repair. Snodderly, that is how I perceive H to feel about our M and family. Can't face what he has screwed up. S16 has shunned him. It is easier to be with MOW than to try to fix this.
I think my H is the worst type of MLCer. For him it is easier to avoid. His broken R with s16 may also add to the quicksand he is stuck in. He just keeps sinking and self medicating and lying.
Anyway, I left him to go back to work. Him in his tight workout clothes....looking like a 44 year old trying to be an 18 year old. Talking about how fat he is, how old he is (that is why he thinks he hasn't found a new bartending gig) and so lost that I don't think he will ever find his way.
Bottom can't be hit soon enough, but with MOW around to cushion the blow I don't think it will for a long time. Too bad. He is missing some great times with awesome kids.
