Quoting ANS: DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior. It’s about doing more of what works and doing less of what doesn’t work.
But what works is a moving target.
Sometimes, working on your relationship by yourself is a "more of what works", especially if you have a reluctant partner. However, there comes a time when things start to turn around, and it needs to start being a joint effort, even if just in small ways, to make it work.
char,
The key to this is that you must work alone on your R if your partner is reluctant. If you continue to work on yout R by yourself when your partner’s reluctance starts to fade, it works less and less. Your partner thinks his/her efforts are going unnoticed, and guess what? S/he resents it! Sound familiar?
Quoting Jamesjohn: char, is NOT talking about the R, about SOME of what you're "feeling", a "more of the same" behaviour that got you guys to this point in the first place? Is this some of where the "disconnected" feeling may have come about? On BOTH of your parts?
If so, then how would the statement "DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior" fit in here?
I’ll give you another hint, char. Read JJ’s post
Seriously though, I just have to say that I think JJ hit the nail on the head. By stopping OR talks, you and your H have stopped talking about your feelings. How conducive is that to feeling connected?
Here’s something else to think about. An OR talk isn’t the same thing as dumping on your SO. It doesn’t even necessarily mean making your needs known. Your R with your Has so many facets. And they’re not all bad either! OR talks can be joyful “connecting” times.
First you have to think of the good aspects of your R. Then, all ya gotta do is talk about them.
