Quoting charcoal: So, what's the deal with packing??? You say you want your R to work more than anything and yet you're packing??? Giving ultimatums. Withhold your own emotions until they're just as powerful a bomb as anything I could drop???
Because the pain of not being wanted -- or worse yet -- finding out that S. wants someone else is unbearable? That the ambiguity, the uncertainty feels like it MUST be worse than being alone?
I know there is no certainty in life -- but I still believe in intention. Even if my h. wasn't guaranteed to be with me forever, I think there was a time when it was his INTENTION to stay. I'm not so sure that's true anymore. Yah, he's here, but I think sometimes his intention leans more towards leaving. The thought of ever finding out again that h. loves another, has lied to me, etc. sometimes feels like too big of a risk.
After asking for reassurance a few nights ago and getting anger, the D word and sarcasm, I went on line and looked up state divorce laws. I also looked for houses that I might be able to afford alone. My version of "packing my boxes".
I don't want to craft my escape route. I doubt that your h. does either. Sometimes it's the most comforting thing to contemplate, though. I can choose to put myself away from this pain. I, too, have choices -- as impossible as they might be to really WANT.
Quote: For all the talking, apologizing, and attempting to understand, I think we have made a small step or two in the right direction...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey Char...just wanted to chime in here... Naturally it's scary communicating fears to our Ses because it leaves us open to getting hurt even further. I think, for me, I'd rather my W tell me how she's REALLY feeling rather than keep it to herself. From my position, my fears revolve around NOT knowing what's going on in her head because there were too many things left unsaid and held as secrets during her A. In other words, I am more fearful when she doesn't communicate with me than I am when she communicates "negative" things to me. I imagine that's how your H may feel. Thing is, if our S is listening when we communicate these negative/fearful things, it gives each partner an opportunity to grow...and grow together...strengthening the bonds between one another.
I do know that my W has been hesitant in the past about telling me things because she's afraid of my reaction (and rightly so...I used to be a bit high-strung). I imagine it's the same way with you. Perhaps if you tell this to your H, he'll rethink the "drama" of his response next time???
Quoting :So, what's the deal with packing??? You say you want your R to work more than anything and yet you're packing??? Giving ultimatums. Withhold your own emotions until they're just as powerful a bomb as anything I could drop???
Once again, maybe too simplistic, but what if this could be attributed to the basic human "Fight, or Flight" instinct?
Most couples don't have any good "ground-rules" set up on exactly how to "fight". Doesn't feel safe for either of them. Things either get held in check to prevent causing hurt, or get blown out of proportion. If they do get held in too long, when it finally comes out, it can be like a volcano erupting.
If it's not safe to "fight", the most attractive option is "flight". Whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally.
How many of us here have set up some "fight rules"? Ways for both partners to feel "safe"?
Just food for thought!
JJ
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>>What's the deal with packing your bags and giving ultimatims?<<
It's like Sage said, the ambiguity is freaking him out. Like JamesJohn said, it's fight or flight.
IMHO, he's probably saying that he needs to know that you are clear in your determination to stay and work things out--even though your emotions come and go, even though some days you may feel like you want to just walk--that you WON'T. No one gets guarantees, but we can ask for committment.
I've done it myself--the packing--the "I'm going to end this now" even though we are piecing. It's fear of putting myself completely into working on the R when I sense H is undecided. I've already been hurt to the core and feeling vulnerable already. If H is really dedicated to working on our R, I'll throw myself into that 110%. If I sense he's pulling back I panic and feel like I want to end the tension, end the R, find a way to lock up my heart and start a new life.
It's fear of being hurt again when your still healing from deep wounds.
If I were your H, I'd like to hear you share your thoughts and feelings, but to also be assured that when your feeling unsure about your R, that those feelings can and will pass, and that you're dedicated to sticking it out.
From being on the side of you H here, which I think most of us are. Letting him know how dedicated you are at working on this would be a good thing. Even though you know that you will have those days that you want to leave let him know that this is very important to you and that you are trying every day to get back to being ready to move forward with the R. His back is probably his insecurity that maybe you arent dedicated to the M and that he is preparing himself for that. By letting him know that you are dedicated that will probably help some of those doubts in his mind. Anyway my 2 cents.
Quoting grislen: Letting him know how dedicated you are at working on this would be a good thing. Even though you know that you will have those days that you want to leave let him know that this is very important to you and that you are trying every day to get back to being ready to move forward with the R.
Lee
thanks lee and everyone... getting a lot of responses here ~ and it's good for me to hear them, too...
Sage, I hope you don't think I was calling you out or anything, but I was thinking of you when I wrote this post and am really glad you responded. Thank you very much
Quoting charcoal: Sage, I hope you don't think I was calling you out or anything, but I was thinking of you when I wrote this post and am really glad you responded. Thank you very much
wow, you're good. I didn't even realize ...
did my answer make sense? 'cause as much as I want my m. to work, I too have a limit -- I want "me" back, too. and sometimes the uncertainty just gets to be too much and I convince myself that I could find someone who wants to be with ME. who can at least tell me that I'm #1.
when my h. believed our m. was over he sought out someone else, had an affair. knowing what I know about how it feels, well, I can't do that. so when I think our m. is over, I think about leaving.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting ANS: DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior. It’s about doing more of what works and doing less of what doesn’t work.
But what works is a moving target.
Sometimes, working on your relationship by yourself is a "more of what works", especially if you have a reluctant partner. However, there comes a time when things start to turn around, and it needs to start being a joint effort, even if just in small ways, to make it work.
char,
The key to this is that you must work alone on your R if your partner is reluctant. If you continue to work on yout R by yourself when your partner’s reluctance starts to fade, it works less and less. Your partner thinks his/her efforts are going unnoticed, and guess what? S/he resents it! Sound familiar?
Quoting Jamesjohn: char, is NOT talking about the R, about SOME of what you're "feeling", a "more of the same" behaviour that got you guys to this point in the first place? Is this some of where the "disconnected" feeling may have come about? On BOTH of your parts?
If so, then how would the statement "DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior" fit in here?
I’ll give you another hint, char. Read JJ’s post
Seriously though, I just have to say that I think JJ hit the nail on the head. By stopping OR talks, you and your H have stopped talking about your feelings. How conducive is that to feeling connected?
Here’s something else to think about. An OR talk isn’t the same thing as dumping on your SO. It doesn’t even necessarily mean making your needs known. Your R with your Has so many facets. And they’re not all bad either! OR talks can be joyful “connecting” times.
First you have to think of the good aspects of your R. Then, all ya gotta do is talk about them.
Charcoal, I haven't been on the BB much lately..... but man I miss your insight!!!!! Life sounds like its going very well for you!! I just finished "The 5 Love Languages" only took me about 3 months....so I can put that book in my finished pile.It was very good. I loved the pix of you & D. so glad you are finding your way. So next time how about leaving a hot steamy poem for Matt to find, with no doubt that its about him My journey is going well.... sons 6 & 3 are amazing. just now son6 was asking brother 3 what he meant by president? Son3: a gift for you Son6:no 3 president:means the leader of our country preSent is a gift you give to someone....to sweet... gotta go Son6:quit following me, 3! 3:crying oh well it was sweet for 2 minutes Kim
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