DB'ing in Reverse...

[sage]

So, what's the deal with packing??? You say you want your R to work more than anything and yet you're packing??? Giving ultimatums. Withhold your own emotions until they're just as powerful a bomb as anything I could drop???

Because the pain of not being wanted -- or worse yet -- finding out that S. wants someone else is unbearable? That the ambiguity, the uncertainty feels like it MUST be worse than being alone?

I know there is no certainty in life -- but I still believe in intention. Even if my h. wasn't guaranteed to be with me forever, I think there was a time when it was his INTENTION to stay. I'm not so sure that's true anymore. Yah, he's here, but I think sometimes his intention leans more towards leaving. The thought of ever finding out again that h. loves another, has lied to me, etc. sometimes feels like too big of a risk.

After asking for reassurance a few nights ago and getting anger, the D word and sarcasm, I went on line and looked up state divorce laws. I also looked for houses that I might be able to afford alone. My version of "packing my boxes".

I don't want to craft my escape route. I doubt that your h. does either. Sometimes it's the most comforting thing to contemplate, though. I can choose to put myself away from this pain. I, too, have choices -- as impossible as they might be to really WANT.

For all the talking, apologizing, and attempting to understand, I think we have made a small step or two in the right direction...

Sage