hey y'all thanks for stopping by...
apparently I've left you all guessing what the heck i'm talking about ~ sorry about that, not so sure I know myself.
The advice I wanted was on re-grouping. On getting past being so drained. I guess I'm already doing that to the very best of my ability ~ there's just so little time in any given day.

Yesterday I had my journal in my purse, in my car. H decided to take my car for a run to store or something and thought he'd take a look to see what i'm "really" thinking. Had I known H was taking my car, I would've grabbed it outta there. Anyway, H read the last poem which was just me pondering my decision here. It was about having kids and how important they are to me and if I could "trade" holidays or whatever to meet my true heart's wants or whatever. It ended with me asking God to bring all these dreams down to earth so I could experience "contentment" here and now...

See, what I've been trying to do is get solid on what love language I speak and figure out a way to convey that to H. I've been silently planning evenings out ~ you know, to surprise him, shopping for lingerie, whatever...

Anyway, so, H reads this and today he's packing boxes saying "If you don't say you commit to me and to this marriage, then I'm leaving." I wont play second fiddle to anyone and if you're in love with someone else then I'm just going to go.

"I'm not in love with someone else, H."

"I do love you, H."

Of course all this conversation happened on the phone while I was at work (I broke my own boundary by calling H to say I was sorry if I brought him down ~ this was before I knew he read my stuff... but I could tell something I did brought him down...)

I'm really working hard here. I resent that my own personal thoughts in my own personal journal are being used in a way they were not intended to be used. Perhaps H would prefer I just D without giving it any thought at all? I'm not leaving. I'm doing this as right as I know how. I want it to be real. I want the "decision" to be based on good things, not on fear or because H wants me to.

poo


later...