Knowing it could happen is much more generalized than knowing it HAS happened.
Very true, Michelle. It's something I truly never, in a million years, believed my H would even consider doing. I trusted him completely (and too much, so much that it let me get complacent in our M). You're right about time and that we've both learned a lot though. Thanks.
(((Michelle)))
Quote:
Stay cool!
I take it this is a joke?
(For those who don't know - where Michelle and I live it is supposed to be 109 today, with an absolutely suffocating layer of smoke to top it off. And it's not even that "dry heat" we Sacramento residents like to brag about, either! It's not Florida humid, but it's pretty darn 'wet' feeling outside. UGH.)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
And OMG.. I just checked weather.com and it's supposed to be 111 tomorrow!! At least it's "cooling down" to low 100s on the weekend.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
hey, I know that in ANY R there is a risk of an A happening for either people. But when you actually go thru this aweful experience, and believe me, it's not fun for both people, it's very stressful even if there is crazy fantasy stuff happening...I think most people would agree that they would rather not go thru it again. If you guys, after totally reconciling, really have a good talk, you can discuss what you will do differently if problems occur.
I remember asking my H how do I know things will be different, and he said we'll talk if we have problems.
I think now that we have gone thru the problems, we will recognize things better.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nikki- Came to look in on you, and there were so many positives, even in the 2 possible negative events (the crash and the job). You sound like you are doing very well, and working at making a better marriage. Keep taking those steps to where you can be able to talk directly and openly with H...I hope that is soon, for both of you. Much love, Donna
I just wanted to post on your thread because you are always there for me. I wish I could express in words how much that means to me. I really wish I knew the full history of your story (I tried in the search engine, only goes back a year).
How in the WORLD did you get from first bomb to second bomb, OW involved, told "never loved you" (me, same thing) to piecing?????
It seems SO inconceivable to me right now and h is "so f'ing happy" with ow that it seems only an absolute miracle could make "piecing" happen for us.
But as you have said to me, my sitch is different as h is an a-hole and I am realizing, basically abusive. You're right. So, I don't want you to get all "preachy" on me girl and say, now mary, didn't I say to you, that h is a bad guy, yada, yada -- lol!
Anyway, I wish I could take you to brunch and I wish you didn't live in freaking Cali. Move to New York -- WAY hipper!!
oh, by the by, my sister actually lives in Northern California -- and we were JUST talking about me and d going there. She had a baby a YEAR ago that I haven't seen! So, maybe....
Thanks all!! Wow I am way behind on posting an update.
(((ST))) (((Michelle))) (((Donna))) (((Mary)))
Means so much to me to hear from all of you.
ST and Donna - yes, definitely feeling the need to get to that more open talk and soon. More in a minute on that.
Michelle - it finally cooled off, thank goodness!! I was doing the same thing, working really late just to enjoy the corporate A/C.
Mary - I'll see if I can find a way to post links to my earlier threads. I know I saved them someplace! I should really keep track of them all anyway. Bet it would be a crazy read for me someday.
How?? Well.. a LOT of patience, more than I ever thought I had in me, and more time than I ever thought it could possibly take. A lot of work on myself, and I still feel like I have SO far to go... letting go of control, that was and continues to be the biggest thing for me. No preachy stuff.. I know you'll have plenty of time to think through what you really want, if it comes to a reconciliation talk with your H.
I think it's time for you to attend your niece or nephew's birthday party!!
So a quick update... things continue to be going well. I met my goal of getting back to more GAL activities this week and it felt great!
Next goal is to begin opening up to H more.
In the last couple of weeks I found myself myself almost shutting down on him (nothing he did, I know it was all me). It wasn't even walking on eggshells, it's hard to explain, but I found myself just wanting a whole different life. Like it would be SO much easier to just start over. Wishing for a time machine and wishing I'd followed a whole different path. For example things I would've normally seen as positive, like H being excited to share something with me, I just wasn't into it. i.e. he was really proud of fixing something on his car and came into the house because he wanted to show me - I went along with it, "looks great babe, good job!" but it's like my heart wasn't in it. It's hard to explain - I found myself wondering, "is this how a WAW starts?"
Gave it a lot of thought, and I realized it's in large part because I've been scared for sooo long now that I'd do or say that "one wrong thing" that would cause him to leave again... that sharing ANY emotion with him would push him away.. and I finally started really feeling it, feeling the "lonely in my marriage" thing. What I thought was helping was in fact causing me to isolate myself and create a dynamic where of COURSE I'm not going to be happy (and long term, it just wouldn't work for either of us). I also realized, if that's all it takes is "one wrong thing" - our M is pretty darn messed up anyway. Yeah I know, obvious . But it all finally clicked.
All of this has been internal thinking. To look at the day to day, things are going great. Almost too great, maybe that's what got me scared? H is making plans with me (even <gasp> ahead of time sometimes!), making an effort to spend quality time with me doing things that I enjoy or that we both enjoy (not JUST car/race stuff, although he includes me in that too), sharing all his excitement and accomplishments, asking me about, well, me... how my day was, did I enjoy the different GAL things, etc. So it's going good, now I just have to shake that fear, and stop building the darn wall.
Tonight we're going to a free concert in the park downtown. We used to go almost every Friday night in the summertime, and I LOVE going. I've missed it a lot the last couple of summers, but felt funny about going to it with other friends because it was always such an "us" thing...afraid I'd get too emotional. So I'm very excited for that. Tomorrow getting together with my Mom for a few hours then catching up around the house, Sunday going boating together with FIL and his girlfriend. Live music, family time, and boating all in one weekend? Nice!! Makes me a very happy girl!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sometimes you just have some of those days...not being excited for your H or whatever. Then somedays you might be the opposite. But I do agree that your fear is going to cause problems in the long term. You need to start being YOU, and letting go of that fear.
It takes time. It's not easy. I know.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Glad to see things going so well. I know what you mean by it being easier to start over again Im'e there now too. H has also just expressed this feeling in his post. Guess we just have to fight through those feelings if we want the M.
Have a great weekend.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
