I know what you mean about sleeping alone. I wish that I could just feel his body next to mine, or the warmth of him in our bed. Really, Im not sure how it makes me feel to say this, but you sound like you are moving to a pretty good place, like you are ready to be okay with or without him.
Have you invited him to bed with you? With the understanding that he might say no, if you time it right, he might not. If you do it playfully, even if he says no you might be able to play it off. Do something like come up to the bathroom door when hes getting ready to go to his bed and say: Wanna see what I learned on the internet today? No? Hmm, then get outta here so I can take a cold shower, Ill leave the door unlocked if you change your mind... You get the idea, something that will make you feel sultry and fun and even if he says no, you can walk away with a coy smile, knowing that you are one hot mama!
hey, if you burn your journal entries he cant find them, do you like to keep them or reread them? I find that its cleansing to get the thoughts out and then let them go. What do you think his reasons for wanting to stay are? Maybe they are selfish, but is that better than him not wanting to stay at all? Maybe his selfish motives are enough to buy you time to figure out what you need.
I have a few friends who seem to bounce from man to man, it seems like they dont love themselves, and if you dont love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? What can you do to make you feel great about yourself? Something to make you feel proud and accomplished might help you feel independent and may just catch your H's eye.
What do you want your girls to gain from this? Maybe instead of looking at it as how you are screwing them up you could take this as a chance to teach them something incredible about strong women. Not that I can tell you how to do that, but think about it.
Last edited by bluerain; 07/10/0803:35 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yes he has read them..and he doesn't respect me in any other way so why should the journals be any different..I am so tired of this life..There are days I want him gone so bad and others where I feel as though I still love him..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Have you invited him to bed with you? With the understanding that he might say no, if you time it right, he might not. I have a few friends who seem to bounce from man to man, it seems like they dont love themselves, and if you dont love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? What can you do to make you feel great about yourself? Something to make you feel proud and accomplished might help you feel independent and may just catch your H's eye.
What do you want your girls to gain from this? Maybe instead of looking at it as how you are screwing them up you could take this as a chance to teach them something incredible about strong women. Not that I can tell you how to do that, but think about it.
Blue, H works evenings, from 10 Pm -6Am..started this shift in August of 2007..started sleeping with her shortly after..the nights he is off he stays up, says that he's used to that schedule and can't sleep..so of course I accuse him of not wanting to be near me..back in April when I saw that he was really tryign he made an effort to come to bed..he held me and we made love.that lasted 2 weeks than he started staying up again on his days off..so that started all of the fights..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Ok so the last 2 days have been bad..I called the C that I was trying to schedule a visit with and he's gone till July 21st..Great..than yesterday I went snooping, I was looking to see if H still had his wedding band with the other jewelry he has..and I found a womans tennis bracelet. I didn't go nuts and start accusing him I merely asked where it came from.He told me some crazy story about finding it..yeah right..then he proceeded to go nuts on me! He told me he was sick of my questioning him and he was not going to take it anymore..things got really bad, at one point he had me cornered against the closet and I thought he wanted to kill me..he even said horrible things to that effect..Kids overheard, there was crying , screaming etc..he went insane..He started sobbing hysterically..I told him that i wasn't sure I could do this anymore and that I thought we should end it, the pain just gets too intense and I'm tired of seeing him and feeling such animosity and rage..I called a girlfriend and told her to pick me up..told him I was going for a walk with the kids and we all left..
Once I got there and calmed down H called me there, we spoke for a long time.he was very upset and told me that he feels that because he is no longer cheating that I should never bring it up again..But it's not that easy..for 4 months I was told over and over that they were done..yet I come to find out that they weren't..each time from the OW who would call me whenever he tried to break it off with her..so it is so hard for me to believe him now..I came back home last night, he went to work and we kept our distance mostly.But tonight after my telling him that I would stop bringing it up I found something else..yep snooping again..I am insane..this man has turned me into someone I no longer recognize..I signed onto his email and saw that he had mail from Red roof inn, apparantly he racked up a bunch of points with his visits there..And the first time was sept, not October like I had thought..so tired of the lies..why won't he just come clean?? I know that I am not DB'ng at all..Iknow that I'm chasing him away, and creating a huge barrier between us..Yet I can't seem to stop..I don't want to cry anymore..I have been crying since January..this man has caused new frown lines and wrinkles to appear where there were none..he is not worth this pain..yet I can't seem to push through the pain and find some peace of mind..Do they have any idea how much pain they will cause when they have these affairs??
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
I dont think that they know how much pain they will cause. They separate their morality and their lust from eachother to protect their fragile egos from reality. I cant even really be honest in telling you that someday he will see, because Im not sure that I believe that myself.
But I do know that you only get one chance at a second chance, and if you want this marriage you should do all you can to protect it. You wont get another chance at this, you wont ever be able to get what you have with this man with another (home with the father of your kids), and such. You are the only one who can decide if its worth the pain,time, work and stress(and wrinkles!). If you decide that its not worth it, I think that you would do best to tell him exactly why, and do it soon. Have you been to C? That might help you a little, but I really think that you have just a little RAGE that has to be dealt with before your M has any chance. I dont know what else to say girl, I wish I could give you a hug.
((((Water))))
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
W2M, I do think seeing the C is a good idea. If that one is too busy or whatever, maybe you can see another C temporarily or talk to friends and find another one sooner? I think you may be depressed and that is something you should try to work on first really. Before worrying about your marriage and everything. I found once my depression was better (I do therapy and meds) that everything else kind of worked out for me, I was able to see things more clearly, know what is right (or wrong) for me, etc. I do know how tough it is to get into a C, at least in my town, it took me a few weeks also, but the ones that were going to take a while to get into see I didn't bother with. Karen
I had the same problem, although my husband did not act violent with me. But I know from my experience that when your marriage gets that bad, you can't just fix it yourself. You need professional help. For us, the weekend at Retrouvaille taught us to to deal with each other. Perhaps marital counseling will work for you. But you have a very sick patient there, and it is time to get serious help. Someone needs to set the rules of behavior. Someone has to help each of you understand the other. If you do not get help, you will continue to argue with each other and make things worse. You have to learn how to stop the arguments and begin effective communication.
If you could do it yourself you would have done it already. You are caught in a vicious circle. And if your husband would lay a hand on you then you have a very serious problem there.
You are the only one who can decide if its worth the pain,time, work and stress(and wrinkles!). If you decide that its not worth it, I think that you would do best to tell him exactly why, and do it soon. Have you been to C? That might help you a little, but I really think that you have just a little RAGE that has to be dealt with before your M has any chance. I dont know what else to say girl, I wish I could give you a hug.
((((Water))))
Thank you for the hug Blue...Sometimes I think that he wants to stay angry at me. That this will justify his actions and he wont feel remorse.He can keep blaming me.I really do want to stop though..i'm the type of person who holds serious grudges. I need to get past that.I did see a C a few times back in January and February but I didn't like her much. The one I am planning to see now was also a School Pyschologist. I want my D13 to go as well..She is having a very hard time and we all need some help.He comes back on july 21st, one day after my birthday.So it's about a week away..going to try and hold off and keep myself busy.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Came across this on the web after I googled "how to detach from cheating spouse" I got to the part about Jesus and turning the other cheek and realized how true it really is. I need to stop imagining him with the OW. I am consumed with scenarios I create in my mind. I wonder if she is some beautiful goddess and if he'll always love her and never me..Yet he did tell me the other day that I am the one who had his heart first, yet I am not allowing his heart to feel the same again. If only I could detach..really detach..I have to do this..Please forgive my ramblings..I may have to do that a lot in the near future..
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Water, when I tried to take some of the responsibility off H for what happened, said that I was sorry for not listening more when he asked for me to be more sexual, and some other things, H got really angry. I really think that it was because he wanted to sort of keep all the guilt to himself. A sort of justification effort, sort of like you were talking about with your H.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
