Ok Chris first off let me tell you I am also a law enforcement wife (H is a sheriff). I could just step into your life and aside from the fact that you have two kids and I only have a 6 year old, I don't think I would know the difference. My H must be leading a double life cuz I could swear he is the same man you are married to. I don't even need to give you any background on my sitch because it truly is VERY similar to yours. I have yet to discover an OW, but we had some fidelity issuessome years before. No long term affair, but an indiscretion(sp?) on his part. Also, I did not have an official DX of depression, but looking back I must have been going through something. I kind of let myself go, got in a rut where I could barely muster the engery to deal with my kid so tending to H, his needs and the house were out of the question. Anyway, we have had the same conversations you have had about filing. It's hard. You don't want them to file, but you want the hurt to stop. The not knowing when/if the papers are coming is maddening. You want them to be happy and you want this to end so you did like I did which was say through tears "just bring the papers here and I will sign." I said the same thing myself. My H said last Sunday that he was going to file this past week. I asked him the details and he said he would get back to me later in the week. I heard nothing.
I have been at this for about 6 mths longer than you have. We went through the same thing I see you going through. H stays at MIL who is about an hour away. First H would come by every day because of where he was staying and job schedule. He would spend two nights per week here and then I put a stop to that (kind of wishing I had not now). Then those nights turned into him taking S a few nights per week. Also, when H would come he would eat dinner with us and stay until S was sleep. Now H still comes daily. He does not run out the door like he used to and he stays on Weds to change for basketball. I know it seems stupid, but in my eyes it is a positive because in the begining I used to beat him over the head with R talk he used to make a mad dash out the door.
This is what I can tell you. Your H is confused. He still cares about you all and he feels badly. He does LOVE you which is why he does not want to hurt you. Your positives are very similar to mine (H is working off duty jobs to support you staying home, h is seeing kids daily, h is doing things with kids). These are things I can relate to. I try to think about this when I get pissy. Your H has not filed. Don't make my mistakes and keep pushing and pushing. I know it is going to be hard, but give h some space. GAL, detach, and go dark when you feel a flood of emotions coming. This may go on for awhile so just try and buckle up and prepare for a bumpy ride. I asked for a sign too. I got two things I think were signs. In the begining I asked for a sign that everything would be ok- well one of the things h moaned about was how uncentimental I was. He gave me a watch years ago and I never wore it. I felt bad when he said that because I knew I tossed it in the trash a long time ago. Do you know that watch showed up in area where I keep my cosmetics and hair stuff. Out of the blue. I prayed for a sign and that happened. Also, the other day I prayed for a sign and I was sitting at the park and I saw H's name etched on a picnic table. Literally, I was praying at the park and I looked down and there it was. H does not have a common name either. I have given it to GOD and I now have a sense of peace and relief. This will take some time, but I will get through this with H and so will you. Patience my dear!
