I have a friend who has been advocating this move for a long time and I always said it wasn't right. Not the right time or situation. This time, however, I am feeling scared, but confident in this decision. I love my H. I want my marriage to work out. I have done so much thinking and reflecting and self-improvement over the last few months. I am a better person than when this began (for the most part!). The one thing that I have learned through all of this mess is that the problem is no longer me. That was the rational at first, but i've done so much that I truly believe he needs to spend some introspective time and start working on himself.

How can I expect him to do that when he is looking at me and the kids everyday and feeling guilty? His pride won't let him see a c, so the decision now is his. Will his pride break up his family? If that happens, its on him. I truly feel I have done everything I can and given him every opportunity to work with me on our marriage. HE has to want to now.

If he leaves and never comes back, so be it. I am at peace with my efforts. I will be devastated and hurt beyond belief, but I will survive.

I'm not even angry. I feel sad for him that he is shutting everyone out of his life, me, family, friends, and he is so unwilling to stop running around like a chicken with his head cut off and figure out why. I think he is scared to stop moving and start thinking because then he'll have to face his issues and failings and for a total Type A personality like him, that is unacceptable. I swear "Failure is not an option" is his motto. In many instances, that is a great quality, but when his refusal to admit failure interferes with his ability to admit that he is wrong or not perfect in some way, it gets incredibly frustrating.

Sorry for the ramble. I am still trying to gather my thoughts for this evening. Who knows, maybe he can convince me that his leaving is not the best thing for all of us, but that's gonna take some pretty fast talking as well as a lot of promises, followed by action!

Erin

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." -George Bernard Shaw