Officially Here Now

[mishka422]

(((((((Chris))))))

Breathe deeply. Pray LOTS! If he does bring the papers by himself I would suggest that you tell him that you need time to look them over and get some advice before signing them.

Have you already agreed on all of the division of property, custody arrangements, etc.? If not, then you definitely need to have a L take a look at them before you sign anything. This is not only about your M, it's about your children's future and both of your R's with them.

Don't sign anything without a L's advice.

It is so difficult to be put into this situation. You will be ok.

Why is your H rushing this so much? Is there an OW? I haven't read anything on your posts about that or if there is the possibility of that but something is rushing him along.

I will pop back in to check on you in about 20 minutes. I have to jump in the shower and wash the dye out of my hair!

BRB.....

[7 Year Itch]

Nope, no OW......... just him saying he's done, knows it won't change, so why delay? UGH.

OK, well I have NO idea what to think now. I think it was the tiniest bit good today, but not getting too excited.

So I called him this morning to ask a question about our pool. Aftewards he told me he didn't file Friday because he just ran out of time and didn't get down there. So he said sometime next week. So no big epiphany or anything. So, I gave him a card when he left here on Thursday night. I had had it bought and written for awhile, and didn't originally plan on giving it to him Thursday but after everything went down ,I did. So I asked him today if he had read it. He said he did yesterday. I asked what he thought and he said... "you really had a lot in there. I can tell you really put a lot of thought into it".

So then I said..... "Look Chris, all I'm asking is that if you can't fight FOR us right now, then fine. Just don't fight AGAINST us". To which he said. "OK". I thought I had heard him wrong because that was the closest thing to hope he has ever given. So then I had to clarify, so I said. "Ok you hear me, or OK you won't fight against us right now?" to which he said.............. "let's just see what happens".

So I have NO idea what that means, but it was the closest thing he's ever given me.

The friends that he is staying with are gone for the next 2 weeks. They left on Thursday. So I"m really hoping that this 2 weeks of him being in a house alone, will give him more time to think. He says his friends don't have that much influence, but the person he is staying with went through a NASTY divorce, so I've never been thrilled that he is staying with him. I KNOW he is getting bad messages from him. There are so many times we have what SEEM to be the slightest of productive talks, then he goes back to where he is staying ,and everything goes cold again.

So I'm just really praying that this 2 weeks in that house alone will give him more time alone to think and really see what it will be like.

Chris

[mishka422]

I'll hope and pray for your sake and the sake of your children that your H sees that life without you all is not better and in most ways worse. It will be a long process but it would be worth it.

What kinds of things did you put in that card?

[pisces9]

i think that the 2 weeks alone will be good on many levels...you need to really give him his space and let hi pursue you during this time. he needs to feel your absence in all ways....he has had constant input from the people he lives with , etc... so now he wont have any of that which is good. he needs to sort his stuff out.

what can you plan for these 2 weeks so you dont go coo coo and so you can relax and wait and watch

and it is a GREAT sign he didnt file...no more cards for now...he is thinking, yay!

[Neilh23]

i wish i could give you some sort of advice that would help you..

the best thing you can do is if he brings the papers himself, is to take them to your own L. You need to protect yourself, regardless of the circumstances. I know, it's tough to hear that, but its an unfortunate reality. Plus, it slows the process down......lets him think a bit and makes it so he thinks you're not just going to roll over.

I like what you said in teh card...."don't fight against us right now"......might steal and use that at some point.

But no more cards.. :-)

[hope2wrkitout]

Ok Chris first off let me tell you I am also a law enforcement wife (H is a sheriff). I could just step into your life and aside from the fact that you have two kids and I only have a 6 year old, I don't think I would know the difference. My H must be leading a double life cuz I could swear he is the same man you are married to. I don't even need to give you any background on my sitch because it truly is VERY similar to yours. I have yet to discover an OW, but we had some fidelity issuessome years before. No long term affair, but an indiscretion(sp?) on his part. Also, I did not have an official DX of depression, but looking back I must have been going through something. I kind of let myself go, got in a rut where I could barely muster the engery to deal with my kid so tending to H, his needs and the house were out of the question. Anyway, we have had the same conversations you have had about filing. It's hard. You don't want them to file, but you want the hurt to stop. The not knowing when/if the papers are coming is maddening. You want them to be happy and you want this to end so you did like I did which was say through tears "just bring the papers here and I will sign." I said the same thing myself. My H said last Sunday that he was going to file this past week. I asked him the details and he said he would get back to me later in the week. I heard nothing.

I have been at this for about 6 mths longer than you have. We went through the same thing I see you going through. H stays at MIL who is about an hour away. First H would come by every day because of where he was staying and job schedule. He would spend two nights per week here and then I put a stop to that (kind of wishing I had not now). Then those nights turned into him taking S a few nights per week. Also, when H would come he would eat dinner with us and stay until S was sleep. Now H still comes daily. He does not run out the door like he used to and he stays on Weds to change for basketball. I know it seems stupid, but in my eyes it is a positive because in the begining I used to beat him over the head with R talk he used to make a mad dash out the door.

This is what I can tell you. Your H is confused. He still cares about you all and he feels badly. He does LOVE you which is why he does not want to hurt you. Your positives are very similar to mine (H is working off duty jobs to support you staying home, h is seeing kids daily, h is doing things with kids). These are things I can relate to. I try to think about this when I get pissy. Your H has not filed. Don't make my mistakes and keep pushing and pushing. I know it is going to be hard, but give h some space. GAL, detach, and go dark when you feel a flood of emotions coming. This may go on for awhile so just try and buckle up and prepare for a bumpy ride. I asked for a sign too. I got two things I think were signs. In the begining I asked for a sign that everything would be ok- well one of the things h moaned about was how uncentimental I was. He gave me a watch years ago and I never wore it. I felt bad when he said that because I knew I tossed it in the trash a long time ago. Do you know that watch showed up in area where I keep my cosmetics and hair stuff. Out of the blue. I prayed for a sign and that happened. Also, the other day I prayed for a sign and I was sitting at the park and I saw H's name etched on a picnic table. Literally, I was praying at the park and I looked down and there it was. H does not have a common name either. I have given it to GOD and I now have a sense of peace and relief. This will take some time, but I will get through this with H and so will you. Patience my dear!