IT started today when he called and told me that some people at a party we were at on Saturday started talking and asking questions about what was wrong between us. Not to us of course, but to other family members. I jokingly say, "I guess we're not faking it as well as we thought." He very soberly replies "I guess not".
I've had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach the last couple of weeks. That sad look is back in his eyes and he's pretty withdrawn again. I told him that I think he needs to go for awhile so that he can sort his feelings out without looking at me and the kids and feeling guilty all the time. I said he needed time to himself to decide if we are what he really wants.
His reply was that he was at work and that he couldn't talk about it, but we would when he gets home tonight.
I think this is the right decision. For the last 8 months I have done everything I know how. I have db'd my ass off, read everything I could get my hands on, went to see a MC without him since he refused to go, gave him his space and tried to make life as pleasant as possible. I have required nothing of him and that's the problem. In the last few weeks, I have told him the things that I need to feel better and to feel loved.
He cannot say he didn't understand because I told him in very explicit terms and I started small so as not to overwhelm. After the incident with the FF, I told him that I needed honesty even if he thought it would make me upset. and I told him that in order to feel loved, I need some sort of physical affection every day, as simple as a hug, or an arm around my shoulders for a second, nothing overly demonstrative (He's very uncomfortable with Pda). That's it. I don't think honesty is a whole lot to ask for in a marriage, nor affection. Nothing has happened.
Now, I want him to go. I need some space from him too. This has been way too stressful. Part of our discussion tonight will be making him understand that in order to come home, that is going to require us going to some MC and maybe some personal therapy for himself. I need to see HIM make some effort to make this marriage work.
If we get to the point of him coming back home under the conditions above, I thankfully live close enough to Michelle that I will probably call there first and see if her or one of her colleagues can help.
Please keep me in your prayers tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
