It's been a long time since I posted so a quick re-cap:
me:29, H: 31 2 kids: Son 3, daughter 2 Married 6 years this past week Nov. Had a R talk about how neither of us was satisfied with the R. Dec. 29, told me he no longer loved me Jan: 3 days before asking him to leave the house, I found DB and set to work. May, received first ILY since Dec. June: Have had 2 big blow-ups in 4 days. He's shutting down again, getting defensive.
For those of you who don't know me or remember, one of our big issues has been a ff of his that I cannot stand. She is incredibly flirtatious, suggestive, annoying, bitchy, conniving...better stop myself before I get super ugly. Anyway, H has done a pretty good job keeping us apart but for some reason over the last couple of weeks has started bringing her around again. My final straw was last night. I went to a Sox game with my sisters and he took the kids to her house. I didn't know this until this morning when my son told me about it. Last night when I asked my H what they had done, he told me in a teasing manner it was none of my business. That generally means he took them to Mcdonalds or Chuck E. Cheese.
I was furious. Partly because he brought my kids around that B@&$^ but also because he lied to me. We had a phone call not long ago (about 1 hour) and I told him that I was upset he didn't tell me and that I know he didn't b/c he knew I would be upset. He said that was why and I said that if he knew I would be upset then he shouldn't have done it. A statement he didn't agree with. To sum up...I told him my feeling towards ff hadn't changed AT ALL. That he had made an effort to keep us apart and I wanted it to continue. Pointed out to him ways that she tries to put him in the middle with her coming out smelling like a rose and me looking like a lunatic. Hopefully he heard. But I doubt it. I would like someone to find a sink hole for her to fall into. Please.
The other argument occurred Friday night. Not important over what, but it did introduce some R topics that needed discussing, among them our status in his mind which I never found an answer to. He told me he loved me and really hasn't said it since. During our talk Friday, he said he's still working things out in his head. It made me really upset and angry because I thought he was back in this with me, but apparently not. He still has doubts but hasn't discussed them with me at all.
What I'm most upset about with all this is that it feels like February all over again. I feel like in the last 2 weeks we have made HUGE backslides. I don't know where to start over or if I even have the energy to do it. Do I really want to stay in a relationship where me and my feelings come last?
I've been away from the BB for a long time because things felt so good. Maybe I've fallen into my old patterns again but I feel in so many ways that I am still doing all the work and carrying the burden of saving our marriage on my back and its starting to hurt.
Sorry about the rant. 2 x4's needed and appreciated.
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
