SH, I am here. I see two things here. He calls you when OW is not around. As bad as it seems, at this moment, you are the next choice beside OW. He does not go hang out with other friends, or do some other things and act like you don't exist. That means you are still competing with OW ONLY. It would have been worse if he lives life as if you are not part of his life. Second, for now, ignore OW when H is with you. If you feel that he is wanting your praise, give him extra praise on every little thing. You want to be the "less clingy, happier, easier, nicer person to be with" while OW is still in the picture. Win him back solid first. Then you two can work on the guilt, forgiveness, etc. Talk later. HUGs
SH I like what OC had to say maybe keep the lines open as she suggests especially since it is such new behavior for H maybe he needs to see the new you IF these guts had half a brain, they would know / see our changes and willingness to make the M work hopefully H will not have to learn the hard way..we are the prize they are the lost souls and OW is a nightmare waiting to happen for Him peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Upside - Hmm, can't say I've had the opportunity to validate yet. I've been wanting to talk to H more about everything but haven't had the chance to. It's nothing I feel needs to be said urgently, so I'm waiting for his cue. Even though I'm doing everything to make it easier for him to come home, I still feel like his coming home would be on his terms right now. As long as that didn't include ogre, I would be ok with that, seeing as how it's the only chance I have of him actually coming home. I'm looking at the big picture - short term, I have to let him have his way in order for me to ultimately have my way. But it's still WAY too early to even be thinking about that.
OC - Got another call today from H, supposedly to ask if S had tried calling him (H just got him his own phone, so why didn't he just call S directly??). H had some more good news for me. I congratulated him sincerely and was truly happy for him. Spoke about some of my work issues with him as well. I'm trying as subtly as possible to make talking to me a daily ritual. Slowly... H admitted recently that he really has no good friends now, maybe just 1 or 2. The rest are just drinking buddies. Without actually telling him, I'd like for him to know that he can always come to me to talk about anything (almost anything). But sometimes with H, I need to just come right out and say it rather than hope he gets the message. Anyway, I may still be delusional and really stretching my imagination when it comes to what stage I think H is going through at the moment.
peace - My H still isn't seeing things clearly. My fear is getting him back before he's completed his journey, still broken and unhealed. I guess I've been hoping for a new and improved H all along and he isn't there yet. So, time is on my side. You are right about OWs being a nightmare. At least that's what I think. I often wish I knew what was going on with them, if only for the drama!
Thanks girls for always being there with your comments and support!
I just wasted way too much time looking at pictures of ogre. With a little poking around, I found a video of her and her classmates on youtube. I was literally laughing out loud at how immature and unattractive she is. I cannot believe how idiotic H is!
Spent some time chit-chatting with H at MIL's. He's definitely more open with me these days. Several weeks ago, he asked me for a favor (actually, through my cousin). It involves something for his place that ogre would benefit from. He asked me about it again today. I told him that he'll have to ask my cousin himself or find another way to get what he wants because I just wasn't that big of a person. He didn't get what I meant, so I told him that I didn't mind if it was for him alone, but that helping him with that would go beyond my boundaries. H tried to then say that it was actually for his mom too. Whatever!
H is finally starting to be more active in disciplining S6 and has been bringing him out more often and has been spending more time bonding with S2 as well. He also increased (slightly) the amount he's putting in our joint account. Seems to be coming out of his fog, but through little things he was saying, is still very certain there is no future.
Found out that ogre's program ends in September (IF she is smart enough to pass). It'll be interesting to see what happens then, if anything.
SH, You are doing well in keeping the communication channels open. Your h feels comfortable and safe in talking to you. That's great. Keep up the friendly talks for they are keeping the light burning in the window.
His time w/sons is very good. I'm glad to see he's bonding more w/them. The additional funds is a nice step in the right direction. Have you thanked him for the additional funds? You may want to try to stroke his ego a bit and tell him that you appreciate the additional funds. They do like to be recognized when they do something good.
Your h is making all of the right moves right now. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. He'll continue to double talk himself for a while, but his actions are saying he's waking up just a little bit. BTW, leave the ogre outside your focus. She's not worth it.
SH, you really are doing well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I appreciate you stopping by my thread with the words of advice and support.
H reacts well to positive reinforcement. I didn't thank him much when he told me about the additional funds - guess I've been conditioned to not have any expectations, so until I see it happen, I don't believe it. To make up for my lackluster ego-stroking, I've been thinking of getting him a small gift and attaching a note to let him know the funds are appreciated.
As for ogre - don't worry. She's nothing to me - honestly! If anything, she's ironically a boost to my ego and self-confidence.
I've been trying to think of what to get for H, but he's one of those who buys everything he wants. The favor that he asked me for that I told him would go beyond my boundaries is the only thing I could get him, so I got it for him on my own, without asking my cousin. I figure at the very least, he will be reminded of me every time he uses it. I doubt ogre will find out it was from me, but if she does, instead of being happy about having it, she will be infuriated because of her low self-esteem. (Evil smirk.)
By mentioning the boundaries thing, I feel like a mom who doesn't follow through with her child's punishment. Hopefully H won't remember my exact words and will just have happy feelings towards me for getting him the gift. We'll see.
H left MIL's early today without dropping S off at my place. Surprise, surprise.
SH,seems good that H is telling you a bit about himself, re: no close friends. That sounds to me like a bit of opening up to you. Keep it up. At the same, remember it's always two steps forward and one step back. Don't be surprised if he retreats again. I am sure H will appreciate you getting him the gift. He will remember that you are doing this for him. You are doing great.
sh- It sounds like you are starting to build more of a friendship with your H and that is wonderful. I think the gift sounds great and I am sure your will H appreciate it...I just hope it doesn't make him feel guilty in some way. You read on here that giving gifts isn't a good idea but you may be a point in your relationship with him that is okay...trust your gut.
You are doing great but try not to think too much about your H and even less about the orge...it takes your focus off where it needs to be and that is on you and your boys.
