mostly H has been staying all the time and doing pretty well with it- huge fight last night- lots of crying on my part- but we struggle along- more in a bit....
Well,,,,H was avoiding me- went out with friends and had way too much to drink and came home, and fell asleep at an inopportune time . So we talked about it last night and I became upset and here is the note I sent him a few minutes ago....any comments are appreciated. I will rebound!! here it is...
Hi lets talk about me, like the subject....
Thanks for telling me how you feel and being honest. I really like it when you are honest with me. I kind of freaked out over it because of a few things. I was really feeling the weight of you ignoring me or avoiding me all day- I went through about 9 months of that, maybe more, and it broght back very sad feelings. I really struggled during that nine months- heard alot of negative and critical things from you about me and had to deal with another women between us- another wedge. I was very anxious and pressured and started to avoid all people, even my parents and sometimes the kids. I just couldnt face them. I was ashamed and felt worthless. And you were gone alot and it was sometimes really hard to give them what they needed- support them- when I couldnt find strength within myself-or even feel worthy of doing it. I let them down I feel. Anyway,i digress....
So...I started feeling really frustrated and worthless again. I cant tell you how many times I would go to the store or grocery and tears would run down my face- too embarrassed to look anyone in the eye. I am not exaggerating- I would feel so worthless I could not even ask a question to the clerks. I mentioned it once at Owen's and he mentioned depression- situational kind possibly. Anyway this crept up on me last night at the store. I just want you to understand it and that it happened to me. Not to feel bad about it- there is lots I want to talk about but hesitate because I dont want to make you feel bad. That is not my goal- i love you.
I understand you felt really bad last week when I fell asleep. I did not do that to hurt you and dont remember it. You didnt like it and it hurt your feelings- I am sorry.
About our sex life- I have tried to be more open to being intimate even if I didnt feel emotionally intimate- sometimes I do sometimes I dont. There are many things left unsaid between us and I dont like it- I want to clear the air. I want to feel emotionally intimate. I dont want to wonder if I am good in bed or have as good a body or am I as good as she was. you even said I was special. that is one thing I lost when the affair came out- I wasnt special any more. To hear you say I was felt good. I had to ask but that is ok. I think any room for improving stems from the things we let stay between us. YOu said the other day that the affair would always be between us- I don t want that. It has to go.I want to trust you and feel close to you and tell you anything- and not feel like it will make you mad or you will run away. I dont want this to come out negative because I feel like our physical closeness is better and better and until last night thought you did too. I cant be labeled as doing it out of obligation- that makes me inhibited and self conscious. I dont feel that way. I dont want you to say that about me you can ask me but dont assume that please. I dont like to even talk about it like this because it sounds so medical- like or antiseptic. I love you and this all I can say right now. Lets have a little fun and love each other and try to change the way we argue or communicate. You keep it to yourself for 2 weeks and it festers and takes on a whole new life- your eyes flash like you hate me and I meant to hurt you. I dont want to hurt you- I love you and hope I expressed myself fairly accurately and without blame. I'm working on those things. l, s
Hi Shay ~ Sorry to have not visited you in a while. Computer time has been really limited for me.
Overall it sounds like things are going well for you and H. In your letter to him you said alot of things I wish I could say to my H. but am afaid to do so. Maybe in time????????
I apologize for not remembering this - is the R with the OP over?
For us, it seemed that the physical closeness came back before the emotional closeness returned.
You did a good job of validating H and reassuring him of your love in the letter, IMHO. And you were honest with him even though some of what you had to say was difficult, which is scary to do.
Hang in there -thanks for your post on my thread
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hey mockers- thanks for the post too! i think I would never had said some of this stuff a few months back. I am just getting to where I know it is OK and we are more of a team. Give it time.
OP is supposed to be gone-he has spoken to her 3 times this year- still working on trust and I guess he speaks the truth.
Found out my dad has early stages of prostate cancer- hurts to even write it- he is usually so healthy. I think the doctor is very optimistic about it being very early. H has been great and supportive. Found out last night. Feeling very unsettled worried and even calm at times.
Peace to everyone on Thanksgiving! I too dont get much computer time!! But I think about you all every day,
I am so frustrated! H and me and D14 went to the bookstore. She is to pick one book out- cant decide- puts 5 in front of the cashier and I ask if one is on sale. I put it back saying it is too expensive and she says who cares? I say dont say that and H gets in the car all stone faced telling me I had a "disturbing" exchange. We get home and he says I was really nasty the way I say it and I should talk to D14. If D14 had said that to D7, he says he would have slapped her as in I am so nasty. I ask D14 about it when H left for the grocery, and she says no I didnt say anything rude. I am upset and tired of being pushed around and made to feel bad. Who's reality is it? I feel like he is in his own and noone else is there. Shay Shiny? any ideas about this ?
Hi Ellie, I guess I am falling occasionally into the mode of last year (has it been that long?) and waiting for the lies to start up. When he came back, I just asked him point blank why he took his phone and not his wallet. He said he wasnt calling anyone when I asked and was telling the truth. I think I am learning to tell. How much info did you learn about the PA? How much was needed? We dont talk about it and any of the details. I feel like it is still between us. But the punch in the stomach is gone when I think of it. Last night we were looking at pictures from right before the affair and he said what great good girls we have. and what an idiot their dad is... at least he is figuring out what a mistake it was. Shay How is Ellie doing???
. So we talked about it last night and I became upset and here is the note I sent him a few minutes ago....any comments are appreciated. I will rebound!!
at least he is figuring out what a mistake it was.