Well,,,,H was avoiding me- went out with friends and had way too much to drink and came home, and fell asleep at an inopportune time . So we talked about it last night and I became upset and here is the note I sent him a few minutes ago....any comments are appreciated. I will rebound!!
here it is...

Hi lets talk about me, like the subject....

Thanks for telling me how you feel and being honest. I really like it when you are honest with me. I kind of freaked out over it because of a few things. I was really feeling the weight of you ignoring me or avoiding me all day- I went through about 9 months of that, maybe more, and it broght back very sad feelings. I really struggled during that nine months- heard alot of negative and critical things from you about me and had to deal with another women between us- another wedge. I was very anxious and pressured and started to avoid all people, even my parents and sometimes the kids. I just couldnt face them. I was ashamed and felt worthless. And you were gone alot and it was sometimes really hard to give them what they needed- support them- when I couldnt find strength within myself-or even feel worthy of doing it. I let them down I feel. Anyway,i digress....

So...I started feeling really frustrated and worthless again. I cant tell you how many times I would go to the store or grocery and tears would run down my face- too embarrassed to look anyone in the eye. I am not exaggerating- I would feel so worthless I could not even ask a question to the clerks. I mentioned it once at Owen's and he mentioned depression- situational kind possibly. Anyway this crept up on me last night at the store. I just want you to understand it and that it happened to me. Not to feel bad about it- there is lots I want to talk about but hesitate because I dont want to make you feel bad. That is not my goal- i love you.

I understand you felt really bad last week when I fell asleep. I did not do that to hurt you and dont remember it. You didnt like it and it hurt your feelings- I am sorry.

About our sex life- I have tried to be more open to being intimate even if I didnt feel emotionally intimate- sometimes I do sometimes I dont. There are many things left unsaid between us and I dont like it- I want to clear the air. I want to feel emotionally intimate. I dont want to wonder if I am good in bed or have as good a body or am I as good as she was. you even said I was special. that is one thing I lost when the affair came out- I wasnt special any more. To hear you say I was felt good. I had to ask but that is ok. I think any room for improving stems from the things we let stay between us. YOu said the other day that the affair would always be between us- I don t want that. It has to go.I want to trust you and feel close to you and tell you anything- and not feel like it will make you mad or you will run away. I dont want this to come out negative because I feel like our physical closeness is better and better and until last night thought you did too. I cant be labeled as doing it out of obligation- that makes me inhibited and self conscious. I dont feel that way. I dont want you to say that about me you can ask me but dont assume that please. I dont like to even talk about it like this because it sounds so medical- like or antiseptic. I love you and this all I can say right now. Lets have a little fun and love each other and try to change the way we argue or communicate. You keep it to yourself for 2 weeks and it festers and takes on a whole new life- your eyes flash like you hate me and I meant to hurt you. I dont want to hurt you- I love you and hope I expressed myself fairly accurately and without blame. I'm working on those things.
l,
s

So ...what do you think????