I know. . .I wish I hadn't been mean and I know it was disrespectful. I didn't say any of that to him (the idiot and stupid part) although I am sure it came across. I just don't know what else to do when he is being so insane. I have always had a problem being disrespectful but especially recently when he is being so disrespectful to me. Why can't he just be an adult and think about what he is doing.
Hi Daisy,
You are being disrespectful to him right now. The way you talk about him. And think about him. He is not a child. Taking help from his parents in order to get on with his life and house is not childish. He needs help and his family is their to support his adult decisions. As you SHOULD be.
I strongly suggest if you want to have a chance at fixing you and fixing the R to go to the library or bookstore and get
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and before you do that sign up on the free Yahoo group (get a free Yahoo email address if you don't already have one, then click Yahoo groups and put in
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It's been awhile. I think it is time for a little update.
First of all I saw my husband for the first time since moving out on Sunday (2 weeks after the move) and things went really well. He came over to drop off some things I left at the house when I moved out and he ended up staying for a little while so we could talk. I asked him if he had thought about my request to go to counseling and he said he hadn't had time to think about it yet (busy drinking apparently) and when we talked about it he agreed to go with me to couples counseling. Our first appointment is next Friday!
When he was over we talked to each other and really listened instead of arguing. He even opened up and told me some news about one of his good friends. He also was wearing one of the shirts that I really like and he knows I like it. Could be a sign. He was also wearing my favorite cologne even though he was just hanging out with his friend that day. Another sign?
Anyways I am just really happy and feeling hopeful about things.
Tink~I did get the book you recommended and I finished reading it in like two days. I wish I had bought it sooner when you suggested it before. The whole idea of surrenduring seemed so unappealing but as I read I could really see myself and my behaviors. Even if this relationship does not work out I can at least say that I will not be disrespectful to any future mates. Thank you for encouraging me to pick it up!
Does anyone out there have any advice about how to deal with counseling? I have never gone before and am not sure what to do/how to act. Any pointers or stories would be wonderful!
Congratulations! This is great! And yes I totally believe the shirt and the cologne was worn for you. !!!
As far as counseling let me just say that I think that most counselors are bad and make relationships worse. I have been to a couple and that's what happened.
I would suggest getting a counselor who is connected with Divorce Busting...if I were going that is what I would do.
Keep in mind that someone on a different page here was going alone to a DB counselor over the phone and she was giving her bad and non-DB advice. The woman called DB back and explain what was being told to her and they agreed it was not good advice and she asked for a different counselor, whom she got and is very happy with now.
My point is that counselors are not God and don't subject yourself to one who is making you guys end the session fighting and crying. That happened to me and it didn't help the relationships, it helped end them.
So first call the number here and see if you can find a counselor connected in your area. Even if you have to travel an hour it's worth it.
Secondly the one counselor I had which I think was better than the rest although a far second to Divorce Busting (if you can't find any in your area) is connected with the book Getting the Love You Want.
So if there are no DB counselors in your area then I would suggest getting one over the phone or trying the Harville Hendrix counselors.
Hope this helps and good luck! I'm rooting for ya!
Well the thing is we can't afford the DB counseling or anything. The only reason we are able to afford this counseling is because it is a free service provided to us through the military. We are seeing a Christian counselor and he was really nice on the phone when I called to set it up. The only drawback is that we only get 6 free sessions and after that we would have to pay for it. So I'm hoping that 6 can get us off to a great start and at least focused on our problems. What are some warning signs that things are not working out during the counseling? What should I do if things turn sour?
I feel like 6 sessions, spaced out by at least a week or two, will be enough to get us started communicating and learning how to solve our problems on our own. Especially with all the new things I have learned from Surrendered wife.
All I know is that it is a step further toward solving out problems than we have ever gone before and I have hope again and that is keeping me going.
What are some warning signs that things are not working out during the counseling? What should I do if things turn sour?
If you feel both of you blaming each other and yelling at each other during counseling, and the counselor is either encouraging this kind of behavior or just sitting by, letting it happen and then passively discussing feelings without trying to instill positive feelings or set up some positive new experiences for you, then get out.
Do either of you have insurance? Insurance covers some counseling.
We currently do not have insurance. I am hoping that if we get back together that we can afford it. Even through the military it is so expensive (at least for us.) For right now I just want to use these 6 sessions and see what happens during and after. I guess my big nervous thing now is what to do and how to act. I don't want to look too eager and yet I don't want to be too detatched. How do I find the happy middle?
I haven't really talked to my husband since last Sunday. A few brief conversations over the phone to tell him about the counseling and such. I always make sure to end the conversation (positively) and say "I'll talk to you later." Never an "I love you" or anything. I'm keeping my distance and waiting. At least we are saying "hello" and "goodbye" to each other now. I feel like things are really moving forward and I will just have to focus on myself and on not going crazy between now and Friday. . .
Ok the craziness has begun. I think the anticipation of counseling is playing games with my head. Today has been a weird day for me mentally. I am almost wishing we weren't going and that we would just end this ridiculous mess and divorce. . .
Although I realize all of the things that I have done wrong it still pisses me off that he couldn't/wouldn't man up and deal with it instead of running away like a little boy. It's not like I henpecked him for years and years or anything. It's been a fairly recent development that I come across as the nagging bitchy wife.
I'm just angry today.
I'm dwelling on flaws and doubting that anything can ever change. And even if we were happy together how long would it last? What about his family (whom I have always had problems with and despise even more now) how would we ever have a normal life that we could one day bring children into? Wouldn't I be so much better off with someone else? Someone who wouldn't abandon me when things get rough?
Everyone else in my life appreciates me. I am a good friend, daughter, sister, employee, etc. Why is it that the one person who I let get the closest to me the one who ends up pushing me away?
Sorry for the rant. I guess it's been building up since I saw him last week and things went so well. Which is the really crazy thing. . .I still want him. More importantly I want him to want me. Is that so much to ask?
Ok the craziness has begun. I think the anticipation of counseling is playing games with my head. Today has been a weird day for me mentally. I am almost wishing we weren't going and that we would just end this ridiculous mess and divorce. . .
Although I realize all of the things that I have done wrong it still pisses me off that he couldn't/wouldn't man up and deal with it instead of running away like a little boy. It's not like I henpecked him for years and years or anything. It's been a fairly recent development that I come across as the nagging bitchy wife.
I'm just angry today.
I'm dwelling on flaws and doubting that anything can ever change. And even if we were happy together how long would it last? What about his family (whom I have always had problems with and despise even more now) how would we ever have a normal life that we could one day bring children into? Wouldn't I be so much better off with someone else? Someone who wouldn't abandon me when things get rough?
Everyone else in my life appreciates me. I am a good friend, daughter, sister, employee, etc. Why is it that the one person who I let get the closest to me the one who ends up pushing me away?
Sorry for the rant. I guess it's been building up since I saw him last week and things went so well. Which is the really crazy thing. . .I still want him. More importantly I want him to want me. Is that so much to ask?
Hi I know it's natural to have doubts and fall back to all the negatives. Also I didn't mention it last time because your post was mostly hopeful, but this little quote "(busy drinking apparently)" is very sarcastic and still obviously disrespectful of him.
And I'm sure on your own you can go through this last post and find severl very disrespectful comments on your part. If you want the marriage to change then YOU have to change.
I understand what you are saying but am I not allowed to vent frustrations? I am not saying any of these things to him and I have been very respectful in the last two conversations we have had. I am even trying to find a way to bring up my marriage issues in a respectful way so that when we go to counseling he does not think I am attacking/nagging him like usual. I really am trying to change. I think before I speak or text him and have been doing well in my opinion. I am just using this board as place to vent my feelings just like a journal. Just because I say something here does not mean I am saying it in real life. I understand that how I think can and will affect the way I talk to him but sometimes (like yesterday) I just need to rant.
Also I am a little confused about this surrenduring thing. How am I supposed to deal with his negative behaviors like drinking? Going out until all hours of the night? Etc? I see that after awhile of me being respectful and our home feeling safe to him again he might naturally drop these habits but how do I cope until that day comes? I don't approve or respect him going out drinking. do I fake it? Say "have a good time honey" when inside I am furious that he is leaving me? I guess these are hypothetical since I am not even living with him right now but you know what I mean. How do you weed out the negatives while remaining respectful?
For example: He told me that we should not ride together to counseling because he has to be out of the apartment that day and needs to go home and clean. I said okay. He got approved for a house loan but has not purchased a home yet and as far as I can tell has not really been looking all that hard which is a good sign because I do not want him buying a house! However he is moving in with a friend and his family Friday I guess because he has nowhere else to stay right now. Eventually he plans on either buying a house and renting to his friends or at least renting an apartment with his friends. I see both plans as bad because it will be harder for us to get back together if he is sharing a house/apartment with his friends. First of all it would be hard to find any privacy if we were to date each other and secondly (especially if a house is involved) he will be in a long term situation that does not include me. Does that make sense? However I am trying to stay positive and not bitch at him and give him the freedom to make his own choice. I sent him an email awhile back saying that I was not going to file papers and that instead I was simply going to trust that he would do the right thing. Which I have been. I have been asking questions and being supportive. I am proud of the way I have been handling it. But when we get to the nitty gritty in counseling I am not going to lie and say "its fine that he is living with his friends instead of me"
Sorry. . .this is a long post and it is not making very much sense. If you can sort it out please offer advice. I'm too tired to edit right now.
!!!