DQ's Sex Blog

[Stigmata]

But I never ever got to just be home with my baby as I was the main breadwinner, and for this I was always feeling envious of those stay-home moms.

HOWEVER Cinco...even if I was a SAHM mom, I can't say for sure if I would have been good to him because of it or not. I was really pretty crappy to him in general, so I don't really know. I *felt* it was because he was letting me down was the reason I didn't step up more as a wife...but maybe I was just young, dumb and stubborn and I wouldn't have been good to him at all?

(actually I know that I would have definitely been BETTER to him)...

- This comment seems pretty telling to me. Especially that last line. Twinges with a certain distinct guilt. A familiar example of lack of respect fueld by a sense of entitlement.

Did you ever cheat? Honestly? It's okay, this BB is anonymous. Perhaps a moment with a strong M co-worker? Business trip? Not even a slip? Surely a temptation. No biggie ... most Fs are hard pressed to be 100% candid in such a pickle. If not, you are a better "in control" F than many.

Funny how times have changed to in that the old TV white bread 50s sitcoms always depicted the F complaining how her M doesn't appreciate her house frrau efforts ... always just putting down his briefcase and griping about dinner not being ready while he slaves away all day for the man in order to support the family. (Yikes, and forget about the added rumors about fellow executives involvement with the secretairial pool...)

Hmmm, flip. Fast forward to, gasp, 2008. W is the breadwinner, H tries to manage by taking on a supportive and not quite 'leading by strength' role as she so requires. "Gee, he's always there for me but I just don't feel it for him anymore."

Down crashes what she perceives to be her passion ideal -- being taken hard, being possessed ... feeling, ah, yes, the oh so important feeling, of raw spontaneous passion -- which is directly linked to the feeling of being 'not in control. The Passion Paradox. When you are so sure of your partner's love you find your passion fades ... gone is the challenge, the mystery, the feeling of not being in control.

IMO you still seem to be idgited by feelings of guilt over
bailing on the ex Dq ... understandable. But forgive me for speculating, I am not versed on your R history in terms of who bailed when and why.

Many have said it on this board over the years. Sex is not the issue. Never is. Sex is the symptom. In this case, seems like a lack of respect ... hence lack of attraction.

LTRs/Ms always seem to balance dangerously on this precarious feelings-driven razor's edge. why over 70% of Ds are filed by Ws probably IMO ... we males, for the most part, aren't driven by feelings ... our word and our loyalty is our bond -- at least in the mature ones ... the alpha kings/not immature princes who can't seem to control their penile turgidity.

I don't know what to make of your bisexuality. I would suspect you might be a dopamine junkie ... mixed with some oxytocin, vasopressin ... seeking out the buzz of novelty or "new feelings." Nothing wrong with it per se. It is what it is. We are all wired up differently chemically.

But the Fs I've run across who are omnisexual all seem to share one thing: a completely external locus of feelings-driven control. Chasing the dragon. Happiness is always "out there," so to speak. The hardness and musk of a man, the soft breasts and lips of a woman. So much to choose, so little time.

IMO a lot of the problems I've seen over the years on SSM spring from OP who give his/her power away to the external "needs" instead of pulling it all in and making decisions from an internal locus of control/frame of reference ... ie, sex is a part of me ... sex does not define my greater level of happiness.

Answer? Shrug.

A good place to start: Who is the one person in this world who both represents the greatest joy in my life as well as the deepest pain?

LTRs/Ms IMO are not to be parsed into sex/no sex, highs/lows, good times/bad times ad infinitum.

A great LTR/M is a wheel with equal spokes: Sex, Companionship, Friendship, finances, Children, Shared Dreams ... I don't believe the frequency of sexual contact should trump all other spokes. It all boils down to the center of the wheel. And what might that be?

Commitment to your lover for the long haul. No matter what life throws at you.

Slash the wrists and mix our blood. (An obvious male contrivance. No F would ever come up with that in a million years. Ewww! Grody!)

If you don't have that as your bond for life then don't remain in your LTR or M and don't seek another one out until you can believe in full -- "there's no turning back. I'm with him/her for good."

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Pffft.

(No wonder gorilas have it so easy. The males are 800+ lbs with 3 inch penises. The average sexual encounter is mere seconds followed by a driving off of the female. Go ahead. Put a human M and F in a cage and stare at them for years wondering why they don't breed. The males always scared they don't measure up even though humans have the largest genital to size ratio in the mammal kingdom and plenty to spare for sexual pleasure; the females always worrying about "not feeling it for him anymore." Sheeesh. We're doomed.)

-Stigmata-