everhope, her OM is her lifeboat. You are the ship. She's working the ship/lifeboat system. She's scared to be on her own. She couldn't leave you until she found a potential lifeboat.
everhope and smartcookie, i can relate to the 'ship' image - i too 'ran to the lifeboat' when i met OM. Then my H met OW and told me it was over (I was the WAW, see my thread) and i felt like my H was the lighthouse showing the way to the safe harbor, and suddenly he had turned the lighthouse off and i was alone in high seas and it wasn't all that i imagined it would be - uncharted waters with no 'safe harbor' and i realized that this was not the way i wanted to live... My OM said 'so what? you can use the stars to navigate' - lovely image but i wasn't buying it, so i came back and H has come back, sort of, since his PA is an EA now.... and our M is 'work in progress' but he's here with me and we're trying to live together so that's a good start i think! he says i appear very depressed so i'm trying to work on that (psychologist, job change etc).
Hang in there, everhope! it looks like she needs time away from the R before she realizes that your R may be what is best for her. I figured out (after awhile, a few years, and seeing my H with OW) that all my OM resembled H in many ways but he was better... so it took time but i figured it out. Meanwhile unfortunately i've caused a tremendous amount of hurt and that will also take a lot of time to heal - so patience and time are the 2 elements that i need to accept as an essential part of the solution... it can be very very hard at times. bon courage, Mamanpc
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I've ust seem a power and contol wheel (pretty much highlights where men can control women n a relationship)
Guess what - I can see my behaviour in just about all the areas. I now realise all the comments W has made about our R were to do with control.
I never wanted to be a controlling person
It wasn't conscious - it just happened - it will never happen again with anyone - I can see why my W is so absolutely against risking getting into the same sitch with me.
Although I've realised and changed my behaviour (or me) I don't see how my W can ever get over it and be my life partner again.
I think a degree of progressing other man is do put as much a barrier as possible between her and our R.
Feeling very lost.
I've lost everything important to me - my children our hurt - my wife is hurt and pretty much It's my fault.
Don't really see how this can be recovered to how it could be = happy family unit living together.
Feeling sorry myself and lost all hope at the moment
I was/am very similar. It wasn't intentional. It just happened. you don't want to be controlling, but it happened. You can't do anything about it, so don't dwell on it.
and its not "pretty much" your fault. its 50/50. While you were controlling, in some ways, she LET you be controlling too. That's her fault for not speaking up when she needed to.
Listen, you know it was a subconscious thing to be controlling. But it's a conscious choice to be NOT controlling. You do have a choice here. Yeah it's tough, but believe she can forgive you. Show her that you've changed. don't just say it. Do it.
i wish i could tell you that i know the magic way to show our W's that we don't want to be controlling and won't be again. But i can't. I'm not sure how to do that. PErhaps a WAW could somehow enlighten us.....
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Of course you are right. My W has told me she has realised she has always been a victim in her relationships and is somethig she has to sort out.
I can honestly say i could be with her now and not be controlling at all. Half of any solution is knowing there was a problem in the first place. W unfortuneately is so hurt from my behaviour that she can't even begin to consider trying at our R.
There are courses available dealing with relationship control and i'm considering taking one for my benefit (but also making sure my wife knows). At least then she will realise that i know there was an issue and am prepared to do something about it.
Other than that i am making a real effort to support my W and give her as much freedom as possible (not that i have any choice)
I say "effort" because of OM is a bit of a torture.
yeah - hope hurts - it would be so easy to just close the emotional door. Thing is a lot of the time - i don't think she has closed the door. I feel I'm under very close scrutiny.
Quite relaxed about that cos i have really changed (even amazes myself). I am a real better person - just would be ideal to have my wife and family back with me.
I could see my W almost every day and have pretty good time together. I'm always in doubt if i should do this so she can see the changes or be "lovingly distant" as is the DB way.
<<Since she moved out i've lost count of how many times she has told me she loves me. I don't tell her - she absolutely knows how i feel
I think you should tell her back, when she tells you. If she's anything like me, it will kill her if you don't say it, & you just assume she knows it. I know my kids love me, but I still enjoy hearing them say "I love you mom".
What you are calling freedom years, I call her being focused on herself finally. I don't think spending time with an OM is right, but I totally agree with her taking as much time as she needs to heal & then decide if she wants to re-build the M.
Have you read the book "Controlling People". I recommend it highly.
be patient
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
and its not "pretty much" your fault. its 50/50. While you were controlling, in some ways, she LET you be controlling too. That's her fault for not speaking up when she needed to.
Listen, you know it was a subconscious thing to be controlling. But it's a conscious choice to be NOT controlling. You do have a choice here. Yeah it's tough, but believe she can forgive you. Show her that you've changed. don't just say it. Do it.
i wish i could tell you that i know the magic way to show our W's that we don't want to be controlling and won't be again. But i can't. I'm not sure how to do that. PErhaps a WAW could somehow enlighten us.....
Neil, just a quick comment regarding her not speaking up. A lot of women, me included, spoke up for years, & got beat down emotionally & verbally. I eventually gave up. I don't think a person is at fault for LETTING someone control them. I needed an OM, 2 different counselors, & a year of building up my self esteem, to not LET H control me.
The magic way to show you don't want to be controlling is through your answers & actions to her.
For example; when I ask H anything, his answer to me for the last few months has been "whatever you'd like". If I say what would you like for dinner, he says "whatever you fix would be great". My H used to be super super tight with money. I hated to take him anywhere with me because he'd tell me I couldn't buy something. We never shopped together because of this. Now he treats me like an adult & I decide if I think we need to buy something.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. He's been kissing my *ss for a long time now, but that's just the pendulum swinging. I expect it to settle in the middle sometime soon.
Identify the patterns in ways that you control. Ask W to make a list of your controlling behaviors. Get the book "Controlling People" or something like it. Let W see you reading it.
You can jump to my thread, tell me some behaviors, & I can tell you if they're controlling....if you want.
My H controlled everything from the a/c setting, to the purchasing of a house. He even told me when I could go to the bathroom when we were on a trip & driving. Un fricking believable. Now, he'd never get away with that. It's because I'm strong enough to stand up to him, & he knows it. Before, he knew he could do it, & I'd fold rather than fight back.
new & improved cookie
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC--- i understand that. My W always spoke up about stuff...but did it meekly. Sometimes, us DAM's need to have a 2x4 swung at us once to get us to understand. I guess it didn't come off as i meant it. Alot of it is communication....
in my sitch, i never intentionally tried to control anything. We always talked about stuff, when it came to money. She started to feel like she had to call me when she purchased stuff....and i was always like...why are you calling me? just buy it. however, there were times when she'd want some appliance and i wouldn't see the need for it, and said so. she thought i was controlling because of those types of behaviors and from the emotional standpoint....it's pretty deep stuff. it took me awhile to see it... but once i did...ugh.
sorry if i didn't explain my meaning correctly....i can see how it would be misinterpreted. apologies........
EH- just take the class. if your W knows, great. if she doesn't, she'll pick up on it through your actions...just like cookie said.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
From a lot of what my W says she is indicating that she needs time to heal away from R. W absolutely adamant it is over - pretty sure she can't be 100% sure ???
My W was told every day of our relationship that i loved her and how beautifull/sexy she was (confident she wont get that with anyone else) She defineately KNOWS how much i love her.
DB reckons no "i love you's"
I wasn't near as controlling as you describe your H but i feel any degree of control is too much.
Who's of the author of the book "controlling people"
I'm not doing that good at the moment - constant steady anxiety and just absolute feeling of despair and loss. Can't enjoy anything and get teary eyed even mid conversation with friends. Can't get her out of my head - got so bad i could literally tell her what mood she was in after not seeing her all day - absloutely bloody connected to the woman. Trying to sort myself out.
She is under the impression that I'm handling it well.
Neil - now i'm conscious of it - my behaviour has already changed but i reckon I'll take the class anyway.
I've not spoken to her for 5 days now which is the longest we've done in 11 years.
Must admit I'm feeling the situation is pretty hopeless.
i feel your pain my friend. It's like a drug...you almost NEED to see her or talk to her in order to feel better. What you are experiencing is normal
it's only hopeless if you let it be. Check out the serenity prayer....live by it...and you will find hope...
after reading DR...read the book "hope for the separated" by gary chapman...will give you some good perspective....its applicable and will give you some more tools to live by...
you're going to be ok....remember that
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Planning on further desengaging from my wife. She is doing her thing which is likely to mean we never again will achieve a married relationship and family unit. I have to accept that as the very likely outcome of this situation and get on with my life best i can. My aim, so far, has always been to restart the marriage but my aim has to be to sort myself out first.
I'm going mad constantly thinking of all the scnerarios which to be honest i can do nothing bout..
We still get on fine which i think makes it a lot more difficult.
