p.s. - I was reluctant to mention her best friend dated OM at one point and said "he doesn't treat women too well." Wife was not enthused to hear this. but to her he is god's gift so whatever. I heard from an ex-girlfriend today. Hitting on me a little bit. It's amazing what a single father who's been cheated on can do to the ladies but my heart belongs to W.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
buster stay away from the marriage predators!! I dont remember who called them that, but they hit it on the head!
Isnt this man an ex of hers? The relationship they have now is built in dirty soil, it may sprout for a while, but it is destined to fail, just like it did before. You need to be her friend, and a tower of morality. You need to be well positioned when they fail, Im still trying to figure out how to do that, but Ive been told to (I know youve already been told this) renew the friendship before you think about renewing the romance... Let her see you as interesting, exciting, and fun to be around before you even try to make her think you are sexy(that will probably happen without you even noticing), but my point is, they broke up for a reason...
It sounds like you had a great day! good job, it feels good to let the sun shine on your face again doesnt it! Good for you buster, believe it or not, you sound better!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
the sun feels good. she still talks to him and probably hangs out for a few hours a week, if that. i'm at the point in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter. apparently it ended the first time when they were 16; get this, he told her he wanted to be with her forever (most kids say that at an early age for some reason). she freaked out, being 16 and all and backed away a bit. so that obviously upset him, so he took off. now he's back and promises he won't hurt her ever again, and she is totally buying it like gas that's 10 cents a gallon
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
1. Keep going out to enjoy yourself. I would reccomend putting time into things that will make you a better person - volunteering I suggested earlier.
2. People dissapproving isn't enough, they have to tell your W outright that "THIS MAN is NOT welcome in MY HOME - EVER" outright to her. She needs to hear on no uncertain terms that leaving YOU means she gets ostracized from EVERYONE.
3. If you can dig anything up on OM share it with her parents. Best is to share the witness direclty with them. If one of your W's friends knew the man, invite her to your W's parents place for dinner.
We want to wake your parents into taking action. Ther'es likely a LOT they can do to pressure her.
I mentioned the thing about marital predators on another thread, but I will state it here :
1. STAY AWAY from other women. If you are trying to appear MORE MATURE to her, yourself, and her parents and friends, you DON'T look more MATURE flirting with other women. Even if you arne't flirting, don't give the OM ANYTHING to POINT the FINGER AT.
2. If you even appear like you are compromising YOURSELF MORALLY you will trash any effort you have made to look more mature. You shouldn't even be alone with other women right now at all.
3. Try to look like the model supportive husband who is devoted to her. Lappping up flattery from other women FEELS good on the short term, but it can be costly if someone catches you. Right now you will be tempted to do the same thing your wife did...stray. Don't let that happen or your dbing efforts are useless.
sorry I didn't clarify. I haven't been out with a single woman in public or private, and the woman i'm referring to lives on the other end of the state. I picked our son up from the house so she could sleep in and then clean the house. i hope that is a start at being model/supportive
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Haven't posted to you beforee, but just got done reading up on your stitch.
Im sorry you are here, but there are wonderful people here that have already given you great advice.
Having been married young also (I was 19/ H was 26) There seems to be a mature element here missing in your W. Usually woman mature quicker than man, and it seems that its the opposite here. She has a child to think about, and I would hope that would be more important than the OM.
I hope you are able to get yourself out there and start detaching and doing things for yourself. What everybody is saying is spot on, Start thinking about you and taking care of you.
good luck!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
sorry I didn't clarify. I haven't been out with a single woman in public or private, and the woman i'm referring to lives on the other end of the state. I picked our son up from the house so she could sleep in and then clean the house. i hope that is a start at being model/supportive
ok,let me make my point clearer. YOU have to become a more mature person. When we see a deviation from that here on this board I will call you on it, I am trying to HELP you.
As for her being at the "other end of the state"...guess what - your wife won't care.
If she finds an email from you or something and you tell her that this person is "at the other end of the state" she will LAUGH at you.
It doesn't matter WHERE the marital threat IS. Would it matter where the OM was right now? N), she is in CONTACT with him and it hurts you. Don't reciprocate destructive behaviour. Don't throw up pathetic defenses to excuse yourself, your W does that, children do that, the OM does that. Acknowledge the choice, own it, and make motions to improve yourself.
I am not trying to beat you up here, i am trying to wake you up. If we warn you about marital predators and your response is to defend yourself by telling me "she's miles away"...guess what...that sends ALARM bell of to us that YOU don't GET IT.
When you are in your situation, you need to WANT to be MATURE. DEFENDING yourself when someone warns you about marital threats is not mature. Waving a threat off because it is miles away is NOT mature. The OM is a threat, you want your wife to acknowledge that yes? Then acknowledge it when others warn YOU of threats and don't wave them off.
Is that how you want YOUR WIFE to respond when you bring the OM up? You want her to say "well, he's hours away so its ok"...? My guess is that won't be pleasant to hear...
YOU want your W to say "that was immature of me, I am not proud of myself and I want to be a mature person. I won't allow that to happen to my marriage again."
When YOU start talking like that, like how YOU want your WIFE to work with you, THEN we know we are doing our job and you are getting it.
Again I am not trying to beat you up, I am trying to wake you up. Keep away from other women, even on the internet. STEER CLEAR.
And don't defend yourself when you make a mistake and your wife calls you on it, just acknowledge it was immature and that your marriage is THE MOST important thing to you and that you won't be allowing that to happen to your marriage again. That's the most mature way to handle this as far as I can tell. Others here may have other suggestions.
I talked to the in-laws. they have made it clear to her and I that OM is NOT welcome there. Also been doing some more things me-related on my own. as for W, Not asking her where she goes, what's she's doing or who with, just asking how her day was at work, and offering to pick up groceries or something to eat for dinner. Other than that, just telling her "have a good night and God be with you"
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Sorry for having to be so pointed earlier, but I am worried you aren't getting it. Your wife isn't the one in the spotlight right now, its you. EVERY move you make can bring her CLOSER, or FURTHER away.
Each time you want to say or do something, your marriage be the driving force behind it.
And yes, going out and enjoying yourself CAN be motivated by a good marriage. When you enjoy yourself, its easier to make a marriage work. Go out and have a good time, bring that feeling home with you and share it with your W, when she's ready.
If you make ANY mistakes right now, it will justify your W's position. Right now everyone is wondering why she wants to leave. Everyone is going to be keeping an eye on YOU to find out what it is YOU are doing that makes her want to leave. They wont say it, but they are.
The best way to handle that spotlight is to be the model husband. Don't do anything immature. Over TIME everyone will be thinking "I have been watching him and ya know...he's perfect...why would she want to leave?" Eventually this will begin to fester in your wife's head too, but that's going to take a few months most likely.
Affairs do'nt often end overnight, and she sounds like she's still wresting with the whole mess internally. She will need a month or so at least to work it out of her and come to terms with the "new you".
Once she works out the fantasy and the reality of the OM sets in...she will have to decide if she wants to trust the new you or the OM. We aren't there yet. You have to stay the course until that time.
Patience, she will get there. It just takes time.
The best thing you can do to help your marriage is become the best husband you can be right now.
but my heart belongs to W.