Thanks Pam! I appreciate it. I am feeling pretty blah actually- another plateau I guess. H is still in limbo land- no ring, no moving back in. Now his thing is, he leaves and then comes back I dont want to complain too much because we have come so far I guess. But it feels like about half way. I agree with Mockers post- I am going to want to be together without wondering if he is going to have another A or leave me because I am sick or getting older and will his head get turned by the waitress at hooters??? Unconditional is the word she used and I used to think we had that. Pretty naive I guess, and I had something to do with the downward spiral. I am really tired of the sitch... I want to get to a MC again or do Retrouvaille but I am afraid to ask and part of me doesnt have the energy. there is nothing worse than "making" H do something!! This weekend was OK- H was really down on Sunday and after I while I just avoided him. I asked him if he had a chemical imbalance and he siad maybe. ?? I did ask him a few questions last night. I tend to avoid OR talks more than necessary these days! I made myself ask him if he was going to see his C again and he said this week "hopefully" . I asked him about his sister he stays with and he had some realistic comments about her - she is into numerology and wanted to take it to the coorporate level and quit her job- and he thought this odd and actually told her so. His family doesnt treat eachother with honesty. I asked him lots about his going out on Friday- and he mentioned that just guys and answered my questions reassuringly. I am just trying to be more direct and a better person as well. Maybe I need new goals again. Shay
Sounds like you do need some new goals. I know when I start feeling this way is because I have stopped shootin for something. Then I start thinking how bad things are and that they should be better. At that time it take a bit I realize things are bad becuase Im allowing them to be. So get back on the horse and do this thing.
If you look back at your thread you have come miles from where you were 6 months ago. So maybe you can go back and look at your old threads and see how much this really has improved.
Remeber that as a general rule that for every year of marriage it takes one month to fix this.
Hope the blah feeling has past. Well, if he is coming back at least he is getting closer. Hopefully soon he won't have to leave first. I wonder what that is all about?
If David decides to stay I am going to want to know he won't decide to leave again but I don't think there is any way to know that, no guarantees in life right?
So if he says maybe he has a chemical imbalance will he go to a doctor and get on some medication? That might make a really big difference.
It sounds like the talk about his Friday out went fine, that is good he didn't get defensive or anything.
I hope you are working on new goals! AND feeling better! Blah is no fun.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
THanks Lee - new goals coming up! I think I will put alot of thought into it this time. Pam, It is very true at least he is coming back. I guess impatience is coming out of me. We had a talk at my doing last night. I am a little tired of skirting the issues all the time. I had a little meltdown on Weds after the Reds game. We were walking back to the cars- drove seperate- kids were in a fight and left early (we have 3 girls and one commented on the other's complexion and all hell breaks loose!) anyway...I see H looking at a woman- thin, nice shape and I slap him as I normally would- teasingly. Then he peals out and races home leaving me in the dust. I was upset- he left me behind, he ogles other woman, who wants that in a man????? We talk later- I am having sick feelings, he is concerned and checks on me, calls me while driving to his sis' and then I ask him why he is looking at other woman because it makes me feel unappreciated. He said he wasnt looking at her but some prostitutes behind her in short skirts, shocked and wondering if they are really prostitutes. And as for racing home, dont I remember last time when I beat him home? Just trying to be funny. So, once again I overreact I guess and felt much better after talking about it. Last night we are watching TV and very comfortable and he says I better go. I say why dont we just finish the show and we go to bed??????????????????????????????????? He just smiles helplessly. Then he comes back and I am reading "Getting Back Together". He calls and he in the driveway but I answered feeling pretty ticked off. He comes in tired and I give him a quick communication method test He is visual. I am kinethetic as in gut feeling. He says he does not trust his gut - because maybe he didnt want to believe what it was telling him. ??? Of couse I am thinking it was in regard to having an A and that being a dumb idea. but no, it is in regards to me. His gut told him I had given up on the R, but he wouldnt believe it. Until of course something better came along- trampy OW. I told him I never gave up or I think he said "checked out", but that I shut down in response to other things he was acting out. He still doesnt understand why I "acted" like I did. He would tell you I didnt care about him, didnt like to talk to him and everything else imaginable. I think this is his way of justifying his recent behavior. Get a girlfriend is his answer?? Does his constant hanging on to old issues make it easier to deal with his infidelity?> I told him I was tired of trying to remember stuff from 5 years ago and was having a hard time with the most recent "infidelity" he had. I said I need to discuss it , it has been a year. He says its hard because it will be hard for me. More like harder for him to actually claim it and be accountable??? I jsut dont know. So , I followed along trying to explain my need to pull back because he was so demanding and critical. He was demanding and trying to get more attention from me by being needy. I was angry and wanted unconditional love - not all the testing and judging. I was tired all the time, really stressed out and barely holding it together with very little help from him with the house and chores and working full time. He turns this into my not wanting to be around him or care about him. Geez- I feel like it is a broken record and he has selective hearing-aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He tried to understnad more but it is a safety net to blame me.
All in all I give it a B- for content!! any other thoughts? Should I write this down and have him read it often? Maybe I could post it here first!
Hi everyone, A few pieces of good news to report and I am excited!! but cautious Last night, I went with H to a dinner with his coworkers. I had never met them before because H kept me seperated from his other life at work. So in a way, this was a big night for me. A validating kind of thing to meet them and be accepted I guess. It went very well and fun and everyone was so friendly and H and I both had fun. When we got home, H said he was thinking of moving back home. He was seeing his doctor today. We just had lunch and the dr. says he avoids conflict by leaving. He needed to find another way of dealing with feelings of conflict confinement without leaving. I told him I had some "demands" as he called it and he said that was fine. So did the DR. I just have some requests or expectations before we get back together. I told H he should as well. I think this is something Michelle talks about- ask for what you want, right?? So I dont know if H was drunk or talking the truth. But today at lunch we talked about a list of wants each of us. Here are mine at least so far:
1. No other women- as in no contact with OW or any inappropriate R with any others 2. Sharing of house duties 3. Honesty- no internalizing- get it out in the open 4. We discuss and get past the A- I talked to him on Monday about this. Burst into tears as I realized I have known about it for a year, and still dont know much about what happened. I dont like it that OW knows about it and I dont. DOes this seem weird>? I told him maybe we could do it at counseling to avoid causing further damage. 5. go to MC again or a class or something
I really am so used to keeping track of DBing that I dont know what I want. Has anyone else made this kind of list? I really need some help putting what we went through and what we learned into wants and needs.
I think your wants and needs are a lot like your goals. If you can tell him your wants and be results oreinted with them and let him know exactly what is expected then he will know what is needed to make this thing work. I would think maybe even be as specific as you would with a goal. those are my 2 cents.
Thanks Lee- ! I think goal oriented is a good point. It seems since he has been "moved out" that he has not done the lawn or the garbage or the cat litter- all the stuff he used to.
His C told him to find another way to get away from conflict. and that he has the tendancy to run away when things are tough. Is this a guy thing? Shay
I don't think it is a guy thing. Depending on what kind of conflict that you are talking about. For me right now I try to stay away from conflict with my W as much as possible. But when things need to be talked about I go and do it. If there are issues with bills and stuff most will take care of that.
The reason that I don't get into conflict with my W is because she seems to get very angry about things. So I am trying to find ways that will allow us to talk about things more as adults. Im really trying to strike while the Iron is cold.
Hello all, Feeling kind of down. I dont know why exactly- seems like no fireworks underway here. H has been staying over more and more and says he is getting "better". I think his C is helping him get through his issues. He has also bought a book with some mystery title he wont tell me about because it will bother me he says. But the book is helping him he says. I am still trying to get my list together- very difficult to organized my emotions and needs but need to do it for myself. Shay
I dont want to complain too much because we have come so far I guess. But it feels like about half way. I agree with Mockers post- I am going to want to be together without wondering if he is going to have another A or leave me because I am sick or getting older and will his head get turned by the waitress at hooters??? 
Unconditional is the word she used and I used to think we had that. Pretty naive I guess, and I had something to do with the downward spiral. 
. I asked him about his sister he stays with and he had some realistic comments about her - she is into numerology and wanted to take it to the coorporate level and quit her job- 
Hopefully soon he won't have to leave first. I wonder what that is all about? 
Does his constant hanging on to old issues make it easier to deal with his infidelity?> I told him I was tired of trying to remember stuff from 5 years ago and was having a hard time with the most recent "infidelity" he had. I said I need to discuss it , it has been a year. He says its hard because it will be hard for me. More like harder for him to actually claim it and be accountable??? I jsut dont know. So , I followed along trying to explain my need to pull back because he was so demanding and critical. He was demanding and trying to get more attention from me by being needy. I was angry and wanted unconditional love - not all the testing and judging. I was tired all the time, really stressed out and barely holding it together with very little help from him with the house and chores and working full time. He turns this into my not wanting to be around him or care about him. Geez- I feel like it is a broken record and he has selective hearing-aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
