toruble on the the lake erie shore...#4!

[Neilh23]

You're right, it is all about her..... thanks kelly jo

the thing that scares me is i see what i've done to her..... pretty clearly. I'm scared she won't think i can change... that i'll be like that forever. i know i'm changing..and i know she knows. i'm afraid it won't be enough.

i've also explained my self-doubt stuff. LOL.... i can have super confidence, and then doubt myself immensely.

ugh.

more thoughts please.....cookie, bridgestone, sandi2..any other WAW's....i'd really like your input here....

[Bridgestone]

You're right, it is all about her.....

yep... don't send her the letter. If it's true to you and is a reflection of your journey to this point, it will add to your story that you will share with her someday. I don't think today should be that day.

I would not have wanted to hear that from my H after the bomb within the first few months.

In my case, I wanted space away from his actions & words that had left me physically ill & emotionally numb. I was overwraught with trying to keep the wall up around my feelings and my thoughts.

Only after I had time to rest and regroup to a 'new normal', then I could 'watch' his actions. Once his actions showed me even a minutia of consistency & regularity in what he said he would do, then I could tolerate listening to a little bit of what got him there. He had to do what he said, not just say what he was going to do in order for the trust to begin to rebuild.

In this letter I hear you asking her to understand why you are the way you are. Uh-huh.. she knows what you are(were), you showed her that for years.

Be something different, if you choose.
What will those choices be? Write them down and live them, in your thoughts, words & deeds,

peace
BS

[Forrest Gump]

One of the things that keeps coming up with you is the patience thing. You have to understand.. you really don't want this to go fast. The WA was a reset button of sorts. She pushed it and now you really are starting over. Yes there is some stuff that lingers.. but truly you are getting a fresh start. If you put her return on a pedestal.. and look and yearn for it.. it is going to show up in everything you do. The other thing is right now.. you have a reason to focus on being "good". The reason you are focusing is because of the dramatic change in your relationship. If she came back right now.. things would go back to what they were pretty quick. You would lose the "pressure" of everything that is happening. Look over in piecing.. this stuff does not stop when they come back. Really the more time you have to focus on the things you can change the more likely they are to be lasting changes. As much as I hated hearing it.. time is a good thing.

The letter is good.. but it won't come across to her the way it was written.

The best way to win at this is to show them with your actions. You don't have to say a word.. just show them. Make solid decisions based on what you want from life and a relationship. Seriously.. you are starting over.. you can't look back on the things you did and try to make them right. Neither can she. You got to look forward and apply the changes to make your life better. If they follow along.. great. You really have to stand out.. and not let this stuff beat you down. Yes I know it is hard.. but it can be done.

"the thing that scares me is i see what i've done to her..... pretty clearly. I'm scared she won't think i can change... that i'll be like that forever. i know i'm changing..and i know she knows. i'm afraid it won't be enough."

Its easy to see where things went wrong.. It does not matter whether she thinks you can change or not. You do it for you.

It was not that long ago.. Smartcookie came here and was scared to post. She swore she could not bend (I called it Fight the Power.. cause she did not like the word bend). Look at the change that has taken place and the person that has stepped out of that fear. You gotta stand up.. brush yourself off.. move your junk around.. and start walking again. You are going to screw it up.. no doubt.. you can't let that get you hung up. You screwing up.. just lets you know what to stay away from. Don't be afraid of being you. You were good enough once. You can be good enough again. Even if she says you can't.

[pisces9]

wow- deep words from Forrest and Bridgestone...Amen!

[Neilh23]

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. my head hurts from that damn 2x4 i just got hit with. LOL

that's why i like this site.....i can suggest things, and people will tell me yay or nay

thank you.

i know, i have no patience.

"the boy has no patience"...Yoda...."He will learn patience"..Obi Wan Kenobi

time is on my side, i'm aware.I definitly don't want to go too fast, but i still want to know the end result. It has to be small steps and to do what i say i am going to do. I'm changing for myself. I really am. It'd be great when i get her back too.

had to change that last sentence a bit....PMA!

[Neilh23]

i'm actually glad i wrote that letter. almost as if i needed to get it out of my system........

thanks for the compliments...it is from the heart. but she doesn't need to hear the words...she needs to see the actions!!!

[kptch]

You have been a lot of help to me. All I can say is practice what you preach. The Serenity Prayer puts a lot of things into perspective.

[pisces9]

very nice grasshopper
;-)

[Continuing]

WOW...picked up this thread when the deliberation about the letter started. You guys are great. I don't really have anything to contribute...my sitch is very new and I'm as lost about what to do as everyone else but my sitch is similar to everyone else's. The words you all have said in these last few posts have been very encouraging...and sobering. If any of you guys have time, come on over to my thread and drop some knowledge. I would value any wise counsel I can get.

Neilh23, I know the agony that you are going through. One day at a time man, this to shall pass (I try to tell myself this).

[Neilh23]

self doubt and impatience are the two biggest things i need to work on for me... the weird thing is that i think these two things only apply to this area of my life...LOL

i also need to rid myself of self-centeredness.....to some degree. I think that letter demonstrated alot more of it than i think i intended it to. I believe that's what Forrest meant...

twindad, you're right. as always :-). She is driving the R and it is all about her right now. and i do have to practice what i preach...thanks kptch.

altho i did get to accomplish some of my goals yesterday. We took the girls for haircuts...together (not the same car mind you) and i got a huge smile outta her right before i left. Plus she took pix of me and the girls with her camera... we acted like a normal couple.......it was nice. D3.5 asked if i was coming over for dinner, and i said no, i had to work (which is what we've been telling them).....she said so you can buy me more cheerios? i said of course. :-)