Quote: Truth is he turned my good mood into a bad mood with all his surmising about my mood.
Stop REACTING - H cannot ruin your good mood, only YOU can. This is the point of Act As If - you got into a downward spiral with him instead of Acting As If you were just in a really good mood regardless - and ended up confirming his suspicions that you are not capable of just being in a good mood.
Reread the Five Love Languages - neither sex nor acts of kindness are love languages. Sounds like your language is words of affirmation. His MAY be physical contact, but that's not necessarily so - it's about holding hands, touching etc - sex is only one part. He may simply have a healthy sex drive. By not having sex with him, you are again sending a message that you'll never be able to move on, move forward, and that he can't look forward to a life with you that includes a fulfilling sex life.
Stop asking for reassurances when he's not in any shape to give them. Realize that in order to break the downward spiral, you must be the one to start the upward spiral. How differently might your evening have gone if you simply stuck to your guns that you were in a good mood, suggested something fun to do, etc. .... odds are HE would have been in a better mood by the end of the evening.
And as for him not feeling like you enjoy sex with him - do you tell him at the time? I always thought my H was fantastic in this department - but I'm not very verbal in the sack, so while I THOUGHT these things, I didn't verbalize them. Amazing what a difference it can make when you simply say the things you are thinking!
And you have to be strong enough to take the truth if you want him to tell it to you. If every episode of truth telling is met by your desperate need for reassurances - he'll stop telling you in order to avoid "hurting" you (and really to avoid having to deal with his feelings about hurting you). So you have to be much braver and take things calmly if you want to deal with the truth.
Ellie - "Good judgment is the result of experience. Experience is the result of bad judgment"
Maybe next time he feels like sharing his feelings do a 180 here. Instead of withdrawing, get closer, act as if and maybe even give it up without having your talking needs met. In one of Michele's articles she writes this maybe it could work for you.
Quote: 8. Tip over the first domino Here’s the Catch-22. Women need to feel close to their partners- spend time together, have meaningful communication- in order to desire sex. Men need to feel close to their partners physically in order to put energy into being together and communicating. Sex-starved men feel rejected, hurt , angry and they withdraw emotionally. They watch inordinate amounts of t.v., leave their pop cans in the family room, and appear to forget they have any responsibilities at all. Communication -starved women feel depressed, short-changed and resentful. They nag, criticize and shut the door on intimacy. In short, when men tune out, women turn off. And, when women turn off....men tune out. What’s a woman to do?
* It takes one to tango. Remember that when one person changes, the relationship changes. * Experiment by tipping over the first domino- show more affection and interest in sex- even if you’re not extremely pleased with him at the moment or 100%in the mood. * Watch the miraculous results. When your partner feels happier because he feels close to you physically, he will become putty in your hands. I’ve seen chronic couch potatoes transform overnight into enthusiastic conversationalists, laundry doers, grass mowers, car poolers, and Hallmark card buyers . It’s worth a shot
I just think a nudge in the right direction may have your H's anxiety about staying over and feeling bad helped. I think you are the one to help do this. I know it is his issues and you can't fix them. You can give him an avenue to feel comfortable to kick them. JMHO.
I don't have anything to add as still stumbling along but I wanted to thank you for your post. I think what you said was something I really needed to hear at that time!
I am levelled out again and hope like heck to stay here.
My H very much won't stay in the house overnight now. No idea on this at all. He may stay here till midnight or so but he will make that 40 minute drive back to his sisters every time. How can they need space to sleep? He isn't sleeping worth a darn at his sisters. Falls asleep almost every time he comes to visit!
Sorry hijacked your thread and just meant to THANK YOU!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You've already gotten a ton of good advice. I would echo what Ellie and Lee wrote about love languages (I still need to read that book!) and ways to feel closer. I sense that both you and your H really take each others' moods personally, and that gets you two "stuck." Detachment from the other's mood would be a good thing! If he's in a bad mood, ask him if there's anything you can do to help or if he wants to talk, etc., and then go do something by yourself until he cheers up! Or do something fun together and banish those OW thoughts from your mind.
Believe me, I know how hard it is. I'm frequently wondering what H is thinking when we're together, but I picture that stop sign in my head and try to enjoy just being with him.
Thanks for all the kinds words and nudges in the right direction! This week H is having a tough work week because he is trying to get tons done so we can actually take a week off to go to the lake. He is stressed out and I think he considers me one of his stresses too so he pulls away to work more and really insists on sleeping at sisters. He asked me to call him today and cheer him up which I tried to but he was in a meeting. When he called twice today tried to be upbeat and cheer him up a little. I wish he would turn to me rather than away when things get stressful. I think he makes it more stressful than it needs to be. We did ok this weekend. Feels like something is missing sometimes but we kept busy and road some roller coasters last night - whew!! Son of Beast with H and D13 was fun!
Anyway, Yashie- OW thoughts are starting to come back. Dont know why but will push them off until later. And absolutely we feed off eachother's negativity- it is much much better than it used to be. Hoping to get better at that- Act as if time right ellie? Ellie, thanks for the frank opinion. And Lee, I did have sex for the last year or so and even when I wasnt 100% emotionally- and it does help when someone breaks the cycle. I initiate enought to make him nervous at times? or just surprised. i really like the article you attached. Is it from the sex starved marriage? It describes our downward spiral exactly. I almost forwarded it to H but he is too stressed to take that on today. Pam- 40 minute drive just to get to his sisters??? 30 minutes for my H - we must really throw them for a loop to go through that!!! i dont get it except that it has helped H and his driving time is his down time. So, it's Ok even if we dont understand it right? Let me know what is working to keep him from going if anything! Jeanine- thanks for the post- and I think I have tried all your ideas with success. maybe I am not so great at communicating it to this board. Another issue of mine! ha!
h called last night and said dont be mad - I promise it is just work - nothing else. Thats it for now- thanks for the advice- I seem to stray at times... Shay
Well I had a good night! And H and I both felt connected and guess what? It started with good sex- I know 6 pm? Kids playing in the back yard and everything. H laid with me and said he felt close. We made dinner and acted like a normal family! whoohooo! I dont think he wanted to go but he did- I wont focus on that. We both said we were looking forward to next week off at the lake. I thank you guys for reminding me that I am not a putz for putting up with this crap- PA and all. Heard a radio show about Kobe Bryant and how his W should dump him and why couldnt he keep it in his pants blah blah blah...it kind of made me feel like I was being treated bad too. But it isnt really true any more. I dont think. Thanks all and peaceful night to everyone, Shay
When are you going to the lake? Sounds like fun! I'm a tad jealous of your morning tryst, but I suppose having an H home every night sounds pretty good to YOU right now!
When he called twice today tried to be upbeat and cheer him up a little. I wish he would turn to me rather than away when things get stressful. I think he makes it more stressful than it needs to be. We did ok this weekend. Feels like something is missing sometimes but we kept busy and road some roller coasters last night - whew!! Son of Beast with H and D13 was fun!
