WAW is full steam ahead

[LosingSunshine]

Thx IMT. That is my thought too but I have told her numerous times just let me know the day and I don't need the details. Plus, last night she brought up how she has been telling me but when I go out I say nothing except that I am going out and i'll be back later. She was also pretty curious last week when she came home from work and found out I spent the afternoon golfing with colleagues and didn't tell her. The curiosity is there just not strong enough yet.

As far as keeping myself together, I have 2 previous kids to stay strong for and the fact that we had somewhat of a SSM has made detaching easy. I haven't detached as much as I need to but enough to hold up okay but I do have my moments.

What I am finding difficult to do is moving from desperate to save my M to accepting and focusing on me, my kids and detaching further. It's hard but i'll get there.

[jandn]

Read a bit of your sitch. But I just now saw where you asked lastnight about going dark so that is cool I posted about that today.

Also read the part of "how wife is, and now is now, not in ten minutes". I know that feeling real well with mine (and her dad). Its like if she asks once, better get on it! Is your wife always late to everything, like wait till last minute to do makeup and hair and you are left to get the kids ready?

[LosingSunshine]

Hey Jandn! Actually my W was a control freak were she tried to do everything when getting ready and kept the clocks running 10 minutes fast. I could try to help and often did but often it was too late because the stuff was done. Before the kids though you are spot on. Even had issues at work years ago due to always running late. I am waiting to see if some of that begins to materialize in the sitch. She's also been a good planner and well organized but biw she's disheveled...crap the dog just farted... And procrastinating.
With regards to the dark stuff...great timing with your thread and its much appreciated. I just need to figur out how to leave the door open while I do this is there are issues with communication etc...that had a role in the sitch. Guess i'll try some different things and see what works.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

So the W thanked me this morning for letting her go out last night??? Don't know what time she came home because I crashed between 1130/1145 but don't care really. W doesn't have any plans for the weekend so I believe it will be a great opportunity for me to do some DBing.

The one thing I am wondering is now that the ball is totally in her court and she has complete control over what happens next (in terms of unleashing the lawyer or setting up mediation), how long will it take her to actually act? I am mentally prepared for it to happen next week and will obviously do nothing to push her into action.

I have been also thinking about some things that have worked over the past few weeks:

1. I had made one of her favorite pasta dishes for dinner the other night and she has been taking the leftovers in for lunch. I think I will play this card a little more. W has always appreciated my cooking and is one of the things that drew her close to me when we were dating and first married.
2. Quality time with kids. Being an involved father. She said that stuff like this over the past few weeks got her to change her mind from pursuing full custody to wanting joint custody/joint residence (50/50). That's a win if things do end in D but not worried about that for now. I am just enjoying the time I do spend with the kids.
3. It drives her nuts that I don't tell her what I am doing. She has backed off a little from asking me what I did but I can tell that the interest/worry is there. She doesn't understand why I won't tell her when she tells me, asks me etc...I just ask if she has plans for the night and if she doesn't I head out and tell her I'll be back later.
4. Thanks to the sitch, I have lost 20 lbs and am looking great. I have purchased a few new things and she has taken notice. I also try to freshen up and change before every outing to add to the mystery. I still need to quit smoking and also plan to start excersising again here shortly.
5. I have virtually eliminated all stressors from my life except for the sitch and I am working on detaching so that will help. This has greatly helped my PMA and has left her confused as to why I have not acted/reacted the way she was expecting. She was expecting a mean, angry, bitter, over reactive response to everything and I have remained cool and collected, albeit I have said some things that probably were considered pursuing and I need to stop that.
6. Not being overly responsive to emails, vms and calls. This drives her nuts too. She thinks I am ignoring her and I have to reassure her that I am just busy.

Things that haven't worked:

1. The R talks that she gets me into. I have listened, validated, and all that stuff but have often found myself talking a little too much about me, my feelings etc... Some of it is due to her questions and then I just talk too much. I need to slow down and think during these.
2. Worrying about W. Not good for my PMA. I am getting better with this and find it a lot easier to fall asleep at night now than even a week ago.

So, as I begin this weekend, with some opportunity for good DBing, I am thinking about staying dark and need to figure out how to keep the door ajar given that it could be taken as more of the usual behaviour. If anyone has any advice on that it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, going to do some reflection on other actions I can stop/180 that I might have over looked due to my focus on the big ones. Laundry is one of the things in this category. I have been doing mine and the kids. The W has done mine a few times, without my asking. Should I or shouldn't I be proactive and steam/iron her clothes this weekend? I did it the first weekend of the sitch and she was shocked! Haven't done it since and might do it to see what happens. Thoughts?

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

So W emailed me an hour ago asking for the name and number of the mediator so that she can call and set up an appointment.

It's like she has a list..check.check.check.check.check. Ugh!

Will send the reply before I leave to go golfing here shortly.

Started the dark thing yesterday and we'll see how that works this weekend. Stuff will probably come up at dinner and I plan to just say to her that I understand that there is a lot on her mind and if she ever needs to talk about it, I am here to listen. I took this off of the going dark thread (thx JJ) and hope that this will leave a door open so she doesn't think it's more of the same behaviour.

Still don't know what else I can do when time is not looking like it's on my side.

[sandi2]

Dear LS,

I will get back with you soon. My computer has been down and I've not been able to get on the board. Talk to you soon.

Sandi

[The Wifey]

Losing Sunshine,

Why do you have to respond about the name of the mediator right away? I'm thinking it slipped your mind. Or you never got her email or it came in after you'd already left for golf. You know what I mean. If she really wants it she can look it up I suppose.

[LosingSunshine]

Sandi, thx for stopping by. I would appreciate your perspective on the changes to my sitch.

Tia,
Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Wifey, you bring up a good point but the sitch is so fragile, I risk litigation over mediation if I don't walk this tight rope correctly. I do feel at times that I am a doormat but just trying to get by as best I can.

[LosingSunshine]

Well I am feeling pretty down tonight. For once, not so much about the W or the sitch per se but how things are going to be post D, assuming a miracle doesn't happen. I went out with some friends tonight and had a great time but I took in the scene at the bar and no, no drinking for me tonight. That lifestyle is just so empty and transient, no happiness just pleasure. I've been there and don't want to go back. I feel to old for that scene yet I am only 34. Of course I won't as there are other activities etc out there just taking it in tonight.

So I am convinced of the alien now. My W went out for sushi tonight with her friends. I have tried since day 1 and got shot down every time. She was excited to share that with me tonight and I told her that I was glad she had a good time and continued with the dark thing. She got home, I got cleaned up and left for the night. She was a little curious what I was up to and I was very vague. When I got home, she was asleep on the couch and awoke but I just went to my room as if she wasn't there. No words exchanged which was nice.
I do find it interesting that she is acting like the mediation and D is no big deal. She just can't wait to get it over and done with. I hope I can remain dark this weekend as she says she'll be home mostly to see if I get a few positive signs but she's just acting like nothing is wrong. Confusing and I know I should not allow myself to get wrapped up in it and for the most part it doesn't bother me.

She also called me this afternoon while I was holding and I accidently picked it up. She was surprised I took a half day withou telling her and told me she was calling because she had dinner plans and wouldn't be home for dinner. Conveniently though she would be home right around the kids bedtime. So, she wants to spend more time with the kids and has done a lackluster job at best this week. The kids zer exited to see her when she does come home but they need there mommy just as much as daddy.

So the jury is still out about asking my wife if she is experimenting or curious about lesbianism. I have no clue whether to ask or what to say. Should I let things be? Big question and no answer.

Chris