Shay, it sounds like you are hanging in there like me. I know how hard it is to be in "limbo." That's where I've been living for over a year now. It sucks and there are times when I am very close to saying "I'm not doing this anymore", but then I'm reminded of the other option (divorce) which is a lot less palatable. So, for right now, "the lesser of the evils" keeps me in this. Oh, and love and hope.
Anyway, as you already know, your H is suffering from pretty severe depression. Depression almost always comes and goes in episodes. So at times he will seem "normal" while at other times it will seem like he is a different person. The good news is he is coming around to admitting that he is depressed. The bad news is it may take a while before he does anything about it.
Please keep focusing on yourself. I see a lot of love and hope in your situation despite all of the day to day crap.
Hey Shiny and Pam- Not sure ! but we are all on the same page nonetheless! I tried to catch up on a lifetime of Pam and read all of her thread so I could have missed some stuff along the way! I am shocked at the similarities in any case and I agree, he is not leaving for OW, but for himself and for Pam. If I remember right, I made the mistakes of bringing up OW too often driving my H away and was hoping someone else could learn from my mistakes. I think with my H, once he had it in his mind to sep., it was just a matter of time. If he has sep. when he wanted, I think the OW would have been a bigger factor. But my H did it kind of after the PA, he looked her up and started trying to see that she wasnt so great, so he saw her about 6 times initially , his comment was that their conversations werent really that stimulating after all. Now he has since said that was the thing that really connected them more recently.???? So who knows except that we need to work on communication! More later- thanks for all the support girls! And I also feel like Yashie- I cannot keep up with everyone I like to and not being as supportive lately! Good vibes from H yesterday! More later- have a good day! Shay
Thanks Jeanine- guess they act and react to what is in their head and this is how they solve the problem? Hope you are OK, once again I get behind on. As far as my sitch, I am getting very impatient and letting my PMA drop, H notices. Sunday, I felt very down and in depression- I may have just been sick, but I kept busy, did stuff in the garden and did not blame H or anyone else and tried to be pleasant. I just want things to progress and for the possiblility of H being in touch with OW to leave my brain. I dont think he is and I asked him if he had been "good" and he says yes. I can never tell if he is lying but I guess I believe him. He says that it just may take a while and to go slowly in so many words. We saw Pirates of the Carribean and went to dinner with the family Sat night. Loved the movie!! Johnny Depp is really good and a favorite of mine anyway. PG13 so my 6 year old was a little freaked by the scary stuff but still liked it. So some good stuff that is for sure but I am finding myself focusing on the bad- I know not good. So here goes....good stuff...Sunday night we are talking to some neighbors, H is getting ready to go to work and someone calls to tell us our new jetski is sinking in Tenn! H freaks about how he cant take monday off to go down and so busy at work and gets very agitated. I come up with some plans of action, which he appreciates and goes to work, returns at midnight after a little work and a trip to walmart for supplies. We get up at 4 am arrive at 8 am, save the jetski and have a wonderful day! We had breakfast at the marina, skinny dipped, good sex! and worked on the cabin. (The girls stayed with my parents) We communicated a little better but still not great. H thnked me for going with him and left last night exhausted to sleep at sisters' yuck! A little down this morning- bad luck a leak in my kitchen ruined the new wood floor, big insurance issue related to builders mistake. H is taking care of it. But basically a beautiful new wood plank floor is warped and buckled since Friday! oh well, I am letting this stuff bother me. I am really struggling with communicating with H. I joke a little, ask him about himself, dont pry, tell him stories but not enough, and just cant get there. H holds back a little about things. He will talk about work a lot but will not go to subjects that bother me. On Sat night he said he would "come back" to sleep at home after he went out to calm himself. Before that he was getting a backrub and watching TV with me. I said arent you calm? He says he is never calm and "OK, let's drop the subject" This really bothered me for a few days. Crazy huh? Sorry this is long and stream of consciousness! but that is how it is for lots of us isnt it?? Shay
Sounds like great teamwork on the jetski issue. Good work letting H take the lead on the kitchen floor too! You ARE making good progress!
I know that it seems difficult when you have it all in front of you. You want to dash in, make the fix and make everything wonderful again. I'm going to advise patience - again. JMHO, but I also think if you reread some of your last few posts over the last 2 weeks you will see that H is making some pretty significant progress - in spite of not seeing a Dr. for possible depression.
It would seem to be a razor's edge walk for you now. H needs a little space to go into his "cave" for his own space and sanity. But if you let him go too far, for too long; H could slip further into depression and move farther away emotionally from you and your family.
I know this is a tough battle for you Shay, but you have to be the strong one now; even though you may be saying "wait a minute, I'm just getting on my own two feet here myself!" Don't be afraid to rely on yourself, you're stronger than you think. Look at how you took action when the jetski was sinking. You can do it!
Keep the good things going. Set yourself some new goals. If you can, help H to see a Dr. without pushing or prodding or pressuring - try to make it his idea.
Take a few minutes to assess your great progress. Pat yourself on the back a few times for a PMA boost, then get back in there and keep slugging away!
Thanks Greg! You know how bad it used to be- and when I think of it that way it gives me hope. You always throw a little dash of humility back into my psyche! I need that at times. I used to just live to see H and do something together. Now H is actually planning to go on vacation with me! For maybe a whole week and possibly 2 seperate weeks- we talked about this Monday on the way home from the lake. I think my new strategy for self improvement is to focus on me a bit more- enjoy myself and hope H wants to join me. Set up a new counselor for H or both of us. Read up on communication and work on being a better listener. Have a great day all, Shay
I am a little down tonight. I drove home from work in a good mood, walked in the house and gave H a big kiss in front of the guy fixing the kitchen. H was surprised and then acted like I was being suspicious or down, kept saying you are acting really weird. Truth is he turned my good mood into a bad mood with all his surmising about my mood. We went to the store and asked again and I said do you want to know ? I was in a good mood but all the intuition you have is putting me in a bad one and then I thought about FOL's wife and that made me think about how she knew OW name and probably your whole family does and I started obsessing. H hugs me and says he is worried about me- no comments making me feel better like- she is out of the picture or dont worry about her any more. H says I hate when you get like that - I get quiet and dont talk much because it makes me feel like you are a stranger and we dont connect. We then get in the tub and I tell him that he didnt say much about OW has he seen her? A couple of weeks ago at work. Did you talk? No. Then lots of silence. H says he feels uncomfortable talking about it. Has lots of feelings and cant explain why- as in uncomfortable. H says he wonders if he should not see me and then thinks things are a little better. Then he sleeps over and wakes up feeling good like today. But other days feels bad- crazy like he doesnt want to be here. THen he just thinks he is being psycho. Says his sister is probably sick of him being there and he doesnt talk to her because she has a big mouth. She suggested a therapist but he wasnt sure she knew anything about if she was good or not. I had looked someone up for him too. Says he doesnt tell me all his bad feelings because I act weird and he just works through it by himself. I guess I am remembering these things correctly. I tried to just listen and lighten the mood a little. I really dont know what I should do - I want him to talk to me but I get so upset or angry that he is putting me through this and keeps hanging on to bad feelings like he needs them to keep me at a distance. I guess I withdraw. What should I do? I think he has feelings for OW still but chooses to not follow them. Why else wont he talk about it more? I dont know what to do. He left feeling down - is this ok? He says it is. Then we discussed sex and he says he feels he never meets my expectations or makes me feel good. He didnt meet my expectations tonight by what he didnt say about OW- i told him I wanted him to say dontworry about her and he didnt. Sex: his love language acts of kindness: mine I wouldnt have sex- he was unkind - viscious circle We talked about it too and he seems to not believe what I say. I most always feel he is a great lover- he doesnt believe me because he doesnt meet my needs??? Not sure on this one. self esteem? me not validating? help if anyone has insight I would appreciate! Shay
I don't have much time, so I'll just touch on the sex thing.
Because it appears that sex is his LL, and just the fact that he is a male, sexual contact with you is most likely essential before discussing things that focus on "feelings". I know that this is a real conflict for you as a woman (we typically come from another direction) and having a different LL all together. Can you find someway to initiate "touch" with him? To let him know what a great lover he is? This may require you to push yourself and act from outside your comfort zone.
Sometimes, depending on the person and the moment, asking the "feeling" questions are best asked soon after he has been sexually involved with you and feeling relaxed and more connected to you. You may want to experiment with this as to how soon after, as to how long the window will be open, and what kind of questions he will be comfortable with. Remember to ask your questions with you DB cap on, and of course, thank him for his answers, even if one or two of them aren't exactly what you wanted to hear.
...Gotta stop posting once my meds kick in! 
, his comment was that their conversations werent really that stimulating after all. Now he has since said that was the thing that really connected them more recently.???? So who knows except that we need to work on communication!
Says his sister is probably sick of him being there and he doesnt talk to her because she has a big mouth. She suggested a therapist but he wasnt sure she knew anything about if she was good or not. I had looked someone up for him too. Says he doesnt tell me all his bad feelings because I act weird and he just works through it by himself. I guess I am remembering these things correctly. I tried to just listen and lighten the mood a little. I really dont know what I should do - I want him to talk to me but I get so upset or angry that he is putting me through this and keeps hanging on to bad feelings like he needs them to keep me at a distance. I guess I withdraw. What should I do? I think he has feelings for OW still but chooses to not follow them. Why else wont he talk about it more? I dont know what to do. He left feeling down - is this ok? He says it is.