And so it begins....

[one_light]

Guilt. What about that. I’ve spent a great deal of time today reading various sitches and have come to the conclusion that most of you were wronged by your respective spouses. Most of you got the raw deal, were mistreated and/or abused to varying degrees and then took it on the chin.

As for myself… I am the culpable one.

Oh I didn’t cheat on her or beat her or anything like that. I did, however, subject her to alternating bouts of mania and depression the latter of which reached suicidal proportions. There were many arguments. Some of them were her; some of them were me. The great bulk of them were ended by her. She was the one who would have to come to me and say “I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight.” I was always glad that she did and readily accepted, but I hardly ever blinked first.

We started marriage counseling around Thanksgiving where I was subsequently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Sadly, she wanted the separation before my first appointment to start on meds. She had simply had enough. It just got to be too much for her. Looking back, I can’t really blame her for anything. I actually locked myself in a closet with a pistol. What wife could possibly put up with that? What wife should have to?

It is only now that I have undergone a successful drug regimen along with the natural process of DBing and self-discovery that I see how impossible to live with I really was. All I can really fault her with is not waiting around to see if the bi-polar treatment would help. I suppose she did from a distance and even recognized that I was much improved, but was past the point of caring.

So there it is. I did it. No one to blame but myself. I wish I could rant and rave about her affair, or drug use, or verbal abuse, or whatever. The truth of the matter is that I was the verbal abusive one. I was the f’ed up one. I was the one in the wrong. I systematically killed her love for me.

So how can I really blame her for leaving me?

Sorry for the rant. I have many faults but accountability isn’t one of them.