Just make sure that you have done the work you wanted to do on you, first. Aren't you still working on boundary setting? You don't want to get too complicated with another person in the pic. (Although a "fling" isn't the worst thing that can happen, as long as both adults realize it for what it is).
Bavarian beers! The X was from Hamburg - so we didn't have too many Bavarian beers in the house when I was M b/c like most northern Germans - he did not consider Bavaria to actually be a part of Germany.
Clearly I am not an expert when it comes to dating. I have been on maybe all of 3 dates in my entire life. Most of my past R's were friendships that turned into something more. I am getting out more and just doing things I enjoy and if I meet someone - great - if not - not a big deal. I am very happy with where my life is today.
I dated a fellow Db'er several years ago. He was 2 years post bomb - emotionally D but not legally D - I dated him as a M person against my better judgement - and it was a disaster.
I now have a very B/W stand on dating while M. Either someone is M or not - and my brain reacts to someone legally M as a eunuch. I wander all over the place in my posts on the BB to process my thoughts - but in the real world I am very decisive and have no patience for people that are neither here nor there.
That being said - the majority of D people seem to be okay with dating while M and dating other people that are M. Different strokes for different folks. Just not my thing.
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Just feel it is time to move on, at least where I can control it.
I find that true control stems from relinquishing control.
Just make sure that you have done the work you wanted to do on you, first. Aren't you still working on boundary setting?
I, like the rest of us mortal, fallible humans, am a work in progress. Funny, but boundary setting has never been an issue with me except with W, in fact the opposite tends to be true...people find me intimidating and inflexible at work.
I have spent a long time understanding how this happened with W and definitely won't let it happen in any subsequent Rs. Obviously, until I am actually D'ed, nothing is going to go very far. But, I am ready to move on, and this is a big part of it.
AG, I definitely agree with what you are saying, and I have no interest whatsoever in dating someone who is M. (Maybe a double std. on my part...you think?)
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I know you have done a huge amount of reflection; your sitch has gone on a long time. You've got six months on me. I may have just been projecting a bit. I am D'd, and I found that my first venture out there to be less than satisfactory (where do people find the time and energy when they have kids?!) I know that you'll be able to find balance.
I get the "no dating" of DB'ing. It really complicates matters on a number of fronts. What if the spouse "sees the light"? Small chance, but possible. Then what? Also, from what I've read, if you don't give yourself time to reflect on, grieve for and grow from the previous relationship, you may not be entering a new relationship for the healthiest of reasons. Being in a relationship just to replace the old one is a recipe for disaster. Now. what's dating? There's no rule that says you can't enjoy female companionship. Probably as long as intimate contact is not on the immediate horizon, it's probably healthy to a certain degree. If you're like me and haven't had sex since the World Trade Centers were still standing, that becomes difficult. When I was back from Iraq, I went to dinner with a co-worker who had been corresponding with me for the whole year in Iraq. No physical contact, just pleasant talk and a nice dinner. It was wonderful not to contantly be expecting the "ISD": Improvised Spouse Device to detonate when you least expect it. Any conversation with my W. is like the game "Whack-a-Mole" You just never know where the mole will appear next, and how big of a charge he'll be carrying. First thing I did was join a gym when I returned, and watched my diet closer than I did when I was in Iraq, which I was very successful with. Being without alcohol for a year was an epiphany to me. My thought processes had never been more clear. I got by on 5 hours of sleep a night, and felt great. Oh well. Off to the gym. 700 pound leg presses are a great substitute for the pain I feel for my kids over this whole situation.
I think there is nothing wrong with dating post D even if you are still in love with ex... You need to continue the GAL process....
Before the D was final, I did give my W the idea that I was spending time with some gals from church.... I also did some other things before the D was final based on "expert" advise I received..... However, I never even held a woman's hand before the D was final....
What I did was starting dating the second the ink was dry on D..... I needed to continue my GAL.... I met lots of gals.... I dated a few...... I never had any desire to pursue anything physical with these gals because I believe that should be done only in the context of marriage.....
About four months post D, I sent my exW an e-mail..... I opened the door without pressuring at all... She chose not to respond.... I gave her that one last chance....
Getting back to your sitch, I think you should do something similar if you want....... If you meet a lady where you want to take it to the "next level," you may want to e-mail your ex.... What you choose to write is up to you..... That would at least open the door..... If she chooses not to walk through it, you can go on with your life knowing you have done everything you can...
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Funny, but boundary setting has never been an issue with me except with W, in fact the opposite tends to be true...people find me intimidating and inflexible at work.
Just b/c you can set boundaries at work does not mean you can do it in an R. I am much better at work than in personal R's. Peope are also intimidated by me at work. On the personal front - I still get confused and need to stop and process things when people act "as if" they have right to cross my boundaries...
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I definitely agree with what you are saying, and I have no interest whatsoever in dating someone who is M. (Maybe a double std. on my part...you think?)
With me it was backwards - I did not even think about dating till my D was final. But then again - once I decided to D - I wasted no time pushing it through. I sometimes take time to make up my mind - but once I do - I move quickly and decisively.
The DB'er - well he was convinced that he was "healed" - NOT! He annoyed me to no end when he kept referring to his wife as well his wife - and whining about his W related pain! I do not date men with wives. I do not compete with wives. There is nothing more unattractive than a man that is whining about another woman WHILE pursuing you. And b/c he had read my posts while I was a member of the walking wounded - he knew the main sources of my pain used that to his advantage.
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I think there is nothing wrong with dating post D even if you are still in love with ex...
I am somewhat of a primadonna. I have this thing about being No.1 in a romantic interest's life. Years ago I broke up with a BF b/c he was still not over his GF. She was still No. 1 and trumped me in the R - interfered with my desire to be treated like a princess in an R.
I would question the self esteem of a woman that was willing to date a man that was in love with someone else or that could possibly go back to his W. Sounds to me like the man wants to have his cake and eat it too. It is selfish b/c he is focusing on his own needs with a complete disregard for hers. People are very predictable - it is an indicator of how he will view my needs if the R were to progress. Not interested in that type of R.
That being said - I have lots of platonic male friends through work that I talk to and/or meet on a regular basis - so I do get the male companionship which is very different than female companionship and fulfilling in a different way. Once again b/c they are all M - I have my inflexible and rigid boundaries with respect to these friendships so there is nothing said or done in our friendships that they could not share with their W's.
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If you're like me and haven't had sex since the World Trade Centers were still standing, that becomes difficult.
FLTC I thought I was the resident BB born again virgin! Looks like you have me beat.
I think there is nothing wrong with dating post D even if you are still in love with ex...
I am somewhat of a primadonna. I have this thing about being No.1 in a romantic interest's life. Years ago I broke up with a BF b/c he was still not over his GF. She was still No. 1 and trumped me in the R - interfered with my desire to be treated like a princess in an R.
I would question the self esteem of a woman that was willing to date a man that was in love with someone else or that could possibly go back to his W. Sounds to me like the man wants to have his cake and eat it too. It is selfish b/c he is focusing on his own needs with a complete disregard for hers. People are very predictable - it is an indicator of how he will view my needs if the R were to progress. Not interested in that type of R.
AG,
I should have written "casually date."
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I am thinking about what a definition of a "casual date" is - and then my brain started to wonder about "casual sex" and then wonder about "platonic friends"...and then my brain started to hurt..
Since I still have to write 3 pages on a document that I have been procrastinating on for months...I need to finish that and then I will post more "thoughts" on my thread. I don't want to hijack SD's thread.
Between FLTC's post about his non-date with a member of the opposite sex and my platonic male girlfriends... Sigh...it is possible I have to give a little - or redefine things so I am still right!
SD - that would be RULE #1 of dating - the woman is always right. And if she changes her mind - she is still right.
SD - that would be RULE #1 of dating - the woman is always right. And if she changes her mind - she is still right.
AG,
The MOST IMPORTANT phrase for a man to learn:
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Yes, dear....
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/11/0810:13 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
