Fran: I have a new motto tonight- if she is so great, why is he with me? I like it! And it is funny- I told him last night I was better than her and have 3 girls too (ours Ds)- he says I know. I am sure you are right- he does have to justify it to himself. He said we could have been good friends once - yuck. Thanks for the insight on that- forest for the trees for me you know! Shay
I want to thank you for stopping by my thread the other day. I was going through a really rough spell with the court date coming up Monday and all the encouragement from everyone really helped! Hopefull of postponement!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hey Shay, I don't have any advice to share, I just wanted to check in on you, keep up with your situation.
I know what you mean about how it makes you feel when you have to listen to your H stick up for the OW. How she suffered and blah, blah, blah.
I recently told my H that I really don't care if OW is suffering and thinks that she's been wronged. She new what she was getting into when she got involved with my H. She new he was married and still living with his W. She didn't give a second thought to how this was impacting my life, so I could care less about her feelings. It was such a relief to get that off my chest.
However, I want to hand out one caveat here, my H and I had both reached the point where that kind of openess is alright. I don't recommend other's doing that unless they are confident that it won't blow back in their face. Forgiveness is probably the best route to take, but for me, I'm not willing to do that as of yet. Nor do I ever want H to add salt to that particular wound again.
Oops, I said I had no advice and then got carried away.
I'm actually a bit taken aback at how LOW a regard my H appears to have for OW#2. Sure in the beginning, when he was all "in love" she was PERFECT, his "soul mate".
But I guess she had enough time to hang herself with the manipulative behaviours, demanding he call, threatening to call me etc. The last reference he made to her was as "Psychob!tch"
Just one of the lucky ones, I guess!
Also, Shay, your H's behaviours (the lack of joy in most activities) are sounding like anxiety slipping into depression!!! All the more reason to give meds or counselling a try.
Just as quickly as H slips into quiet zombie mode, he snaps out of it and says he is really looking forward to our lake weekend. Our talk of last week- pretty much a downer for me- seems to be a lifter for him. It is almost like by telling me about this stuff he feels a weight lifted maybe? We very excitedly went to the lake early, had a nice couple of days- fun and a little nervousness on H's part regarding the boat etc. We picked up a new jet ski from across the lake 40 miles- bought used from his coworker. Had a great time with it. Then Saturday night one of his work friends who has a house on the lake invited us over. We had drinks and then took the boat with our friends over to the fireworks on the lake. This is when things went really downhill. H was trying to park and drop anchor to watch the fireworks, I suggested we move out of the middle of the lake (dark and all) and he didnt like my tone of voice and snaps back at me. He starts acting like a jerk, proves me wrong, and jumps to the back of the boat to watch them alone. I was very hurt, upset and didnt see much of them and didnt understand his behavior or why he would treat me so bad. We left and I went to the house and put the kids to bed- he stayed on the dock. I went back down and a huge argument takes over- me trying to convince him I meant nothing by my "tone" and he saying that we were never going to make it and lets leave tomorrow- acting very childish. He takes off on the boat and I sit outside very upset. He came looking for me about 40 minutes later, worried and we talked a little - he calmed down and made love. The next day he said it brought up some old feelings about me bossing him around and the alcohol was not a good idea for him either- made him too sensitive or over react. I'd say. So I lived through it wondering what I see in him at that moment then he turns into a good guy again. He said he wanted to stay and not leave the next day and MOnday turned out to be our best day there- we worked through some situations without stress as far as the cars and overall we had a great time. H apologized a couple of times and said the fireworks were pretty neat- wistfullly since he saw them alone . So last night he went to his sister's house to "reflect", sent me an upbeat email and canceled his dinner tonight. So....pretty good I guess but so frustrating. H complimented me alot when he wasnt worried about the boat. Last night I got upset when i found a CD from a group he saw with OW a year ago- he offered to get rid of it if it bothered me and said "i'm sorry" as in for causing me greif. Anyway this is the update of the continuing saga. By the way has anyone seen Deanna on the BB lately????
At least he had some insight as to why he acted the way he did on the boat, but it certainly sounds like an over-reaction to me...really MEAN! ...But then we're only hearing your perspective....perhaps it DID trip some old memories/feelings for him, but the next time that happens (and it will) I hope he tries to express it differently!
Like perhaps: "That tone I'm picking up from you just gave me a chill, I felt trapped and controlled again"
Put that way, there's a much better chance to deflate the situation, perhaps have you do a brief check on whether something in your tone MIGHT have contributed? I only say this because I am notorious (apparently ) for using various "tones" to convey all manner of nastiness! 90% of the time or more I am completely unaware of it...until CJ points it out. At the time I am usually convinced I had no "tone" or that at the very least it wasn't directed at him...but there's usually something real beneath it.
I've seen this and lived this with my own mother. What she could convey with just an expression (disdain, disapproval) and a tone of voice!!!
I'm glad the rest of your weekend went well. I am continually amazed by your strength through all of this, Shay!
Shiny
I hate to press this, but I'm even more baffled about your H's mental health...depletion of serotonin (common in anxiety and depression) can be associated with impulse control problems. (as is booze)
Shay - last I heard from Deanna was that she had to turn in her computer but was hoping to get another one so that she could continue to keep in touch with us. I think Jorge may have a phone number for her so you might want to try him. After all, she was a part of his harem.
Deanna also mentioned that the family may be moving to NC for H's job but nothing definite as of a couple of months ago...
Just when you think things are going well - boom!! I know the feeling. I really do think alcohol can make monsters of them - no wonder you were so hurt and upset. Of course you meant nothing by your tone it really hurts me when H says that to me. When they are struggling with something and you can see a way out and they just snap at you for it. Grrrr. But I guess it gets at their manhood or something and they feel it more when they are a bit drunk. I have learnt not to take anything personally that H says when he has had a few beers. Not always easy as I can't always be keeping count. But if something nasty just comes out of the blue I am starting to think OK is this him or is it the beers.
I have a few issues with H and alcohol. I hope that is not your sitch.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
All the more reason to give meds or counselling a try.
. So last night he went to his sister's house to "reflect", sent me an upbeat email and canceled his dinner tonight. So....pretty good I guess but so frustrating. H complimented me alot when he wasnt worried about the boat. Last night I got upset when i found a CD from a group he saw with OW a year ago- he offered to get rid of it if it bothered me and said "i'm sorry" as in for causing me greif. Anyway this is the update of the continuing saga.
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