On the one hand, I would say yes, because this is all so individual and couple specific that self-analysis is probably not a good idea, nor would you get very accurate results. I'm just a 'dork with a degree' and a tendency to go into overdrive into any topic that interests me. Luckily our own therapist doesn't mind my crossing fields and digging into the books on his library shelf too much, as long as I remember who the real expert is (NOT me).
On the other hand, asking your husband about his fantasies and 'dream girl' could be very educational for you (if he'll open up and tell you). And hopefully, he'll return the favor and ask you to share your fantasies with him. I'm sure you've encountered this advice in a lot of your own reading, Ali. In my own experience, I can do this only indirectly with my wife. She won't discuss her fantasies openly, but she doesn't hide what she reads, listens to, or watches, so I can learn about her tastes and interests that way.
Besides, learning about the psychology behind the fantasy can be a bit of a bubble burster. I never thought of my dream-girl as the 'Anti-Mom' (sort of like the Anti-Christ), I just knew what I was the most attracted to and turned on by. But she is, even down to the hair. My mother always had short-cut hair in some sort of stiff hair-do, one that no one was allowed to touch (it would feel icky of you did, anyway). My dream-girl, and my wife, have loads of luxurious hair, spilling down their shoulders and back, just asking to have your hands and face in it (Cinco mentioned this too, actually).
Now, when I think of my dream-girl, I sometimes remember the connection to my mother....that'll deflate you....dammit!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
